Zombie

Napping has been the bane of my existence for the past four years.  When Pumpkin was born, Peanut immediately stopped napping.  She stopped being a super easy sleep through the night kind of kid too, but that's neither here nor there.  So I had this brand new baby who screamed a lot, and a two year old who had never screamed a lot who was now pretty much always tired and kind of pissed about her little brother taking up all of the attention.  So all of that nonsense about sleeping when the baby sleeps was out the window since no one slept and if they did it was one or the other.  I think we had a few days where both kids slept at the same time, but nothing spectacular. 

We have gone through lots of ways to try resting - quiet time, me sleeping on the couch while the kids put stickers on me or drew on the wall, me screaming at them to rest then crying about what a terrible parent I was...  We tried family naps where we all lay down together.  Room darkening shades, sound machines... We tried everything.  Every now and again I'd think I had hit upon the answer and we'd have a blissful week or two of glorious resting.  And then boom.  It would be over and it felt worse than before because then I had a taste of the elixir that is naps and me time. 

I have been sleep deprived for years now.  I almost don't know what it feels like to not be tired.  Now, I think the sleep deprivation would not have been so bad and forced me to obsess about naps if Pumpkin had ever slept through the night, but that seemed to be elusive as well - really it still kind of is.  We seem to be making some progress in the overnight department - Pumpkin has been sleeping until 7:30 in the morning instead of his usual 5am or bust.  And more often than not for the past few weeks he has woken up once or less a night which is really amazing. 

But napping.  Oh napping.  I know people with 5 year olds who nap every single day.  I am beyond envious.  These days we have been doing rest time where we all go in our rooms and rest.  Typically this is about 5 minutes before someone comes out of their rooms and starts asking me questions.  Or just making noises.  Or goes to the bathroom and yells for assistance of some kind.  Just enough time for me to begin to drift off and then have all possibilities of actually sleeping dashed in an instant.  Today we even did a guided visualization - which I enjoyed but the kids started playing rabbit hole where they burrow down to the bottom of the bed and pretend to be bunnies.  Sigh. 

Someday, I am told, they will be teenagers and I will struggle to wake them every day.  They will sleep and sleep and sleep and I will be trying not to nag them to get up.  This, my friends, is really hard to believe, but I'm going to bank on finally getting some sleep in about 6 or 7 years...  

Just Doing It - The Whole 30

For the past two years or so, our family has eaten some semblance of a primal/paleo/grain free diet.  Sometimes we stick to it and sometimes we don't.  Essentially, we eat what we eat at home and when we are out everyone is free to make choices.  I don't mean to say that we don't have choices at home as well - we do of course.  But I mean that when we are out, each of us is free to choose from the dizzying array of foods that can be found on any menu or at any party.  We often feel quite awful when we choose way out of the box, but still, we choose. 

I've been noticing lately that I am reaching for more sugar and sweetened things as well as more grains when given the opportunity.  I've also not quite yet gotten the hang of menu planning with work and the kids school schedules, and whenever planning drops off, our choices get a little crappy.  Add into that this past week of really tough bedtimes, lots of pee accidents from one little person, and lots of crabbiness from one tired mommy, and the perfect storm is brewing. 

We are embarking on a food journey - The Whole 30 - starting tomorrow.  It's really no different than any of our previous paleo adventures, but the 30 day thing gives me something to wrap my head around. It really couldn't be better timing as we attended three parties this weekend, and the intake of "all things that make me feel bad in general" was quite high. And of course we are headed into the holiday season as evidenced by the Christmas displays that are now taking over the Halloween candy aisles in all of your favorite big box stores. 

So the plan is to use this month to reset our taste buds, reset mindful eating, reset the sugar cravings, and give us a little overall reminder of how seriously food can and does affect us. I'm sure there will be some great side benefits like not feeling like I have to suck in my belly, and maybe better sleep for everyone, but really I am after the emotional side of it this round.  Come and join me!

Evidence

Little kids have a hard time sleeping. Which means parents have a hard time sleeping too - or at least their sleep is interrupted - some of us (ahem - I'll give you a hint - it isn't me) have no trouble sleeping at all.

Honey wakes with the kids at night, because he is able to go right back to sleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow, while once I am out of bed I am up for good. We have had some interesting occurrences lately when both kids wake up. A couple of weeks ago, everyone was waking on the hour and Honey went in to sit with Pumpkin and I went in to see to Peanut. Well, I fell asleep in Peanut's bed when she just couldn't be soothed any other way, and woke sometime later to a strange rhythmical sound - "bang, bang, bang..." I started thinking about what it could be, and then it dawned on me that Pumpkin was awake and walking around the house while Honey had fallen asleep and had no idea he was on the loose. Sure enough, he was opening and closing my nightstand drawers. He then he came in to Peanuts room to say good morning. I'm sure glad he is pretty safe now on the stairs!

A few early mornings this week I took advantage of the early wake up to go downstairs and exercise. Well, I arrived back up after my workout to find Honey and the kids eating breakfast - so far so good - and then discovered my pillow had been beautifully decorated with black pen. Two days in a row. So once again, Honey took Peanut back into our bed so they can sleep, and once daddy is out, Pumpkin gets into mischief! Thank goodness we are pretty chill about this kind of thing, otherwise I can see us having fits every day. I'm just going to look at this as Pumpkin being very independent and curious - which is a good thing, isn't it?

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Having a second kid hit me pretty hard. With the first, I was ready and excited, I knew how to be with babies, I knew what I was in for. I went back to work part time, found a great daycare situation, took pretty good care of myself, and gave Peanut 100% of my attention when we were together. I can't say that life with one child was always all rosy, but it was pretty darn close.

I'm sure people tell you how hard the transition to two will be, but I am not sure they are clear enough or that I was willing to listen to them. I had no idea the level of guilt having a second child would cause. Am I giving each one what they need? (no) Am I giving myself what I need? (no) Am I giving my marriage what it needs? (no). I understood that I would and could spread my love and attentions around, but I don't think I realized that there are useful ways to do that and really detrimental ways as well. I know I had no idea about the depths of sleep deprivation and the resulting complete lack of patience, empathy, or caring about the attention getting antics of a 2-3 year old.

I'm feeling like I am out of the very dark woods now, and have learned some lessons to share. I've spoken with some moms lately about the birth of their second child and how they have been evolving, and I've thought a lot about the things I would have done differently.

- Keep daycare. I would have continued once a week with our daycare provider for several reasons. It would have kept Peanut with a familiar adult who doted on her and would provide her with some of the one on one attention she was not getting from me. I think Peanut feels sometimes like she lost something big when Pumpkin was born since she stopped going to daycare. It would have also forced me to focus solely on the baby for a while and not feel guilty about it.
- Have someone care for the kids with me, rather than taking one or the other for a while. I feel like something I needed was someone to remind me how great my kids are when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I would have loved to have someone show me or comment on them in order to help me focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I'm sure people did that, but I feel like it needed to be less subtle.
- Scheduled time to be with my older child every week. I feel like when i did have someone help, it was always to take care of Peanut so I could deal with Pumpkin. I think having someone take the baby so i could spend time with the toddler should have happened earlier than it did. As it was, I think we were trying to repair bridges by the time I had "mommy daughter days".
- Nap. I have never been a napper, but I think i should have made a conscious effort to nap when I could. Now, I don't know how realistic that would have been as naps for both kids were spotty and uncoordinated, but I do think I could have tried family naps or some other way to get some more rest and become less insane.
- Continued to seek help. I had a therapists for a bit last year, but when she sounded like a broken record saying I just needed more sleep I kind of gave up since that wasn't happening any time soon. I wish I had continued on and found someone else to work with and work through some issues.
- Got more exercise. I really needed to start taking care of myself better a long time ago. It's still not happening consistently and Pumpkin is almost a year and half. I have fallen way down my own list, and that is bad for lots of reasons. I'm way more patient when I eat well and get a workout in. I sleep better, yell less, lament my wrinkles less, enjoy my children more, and do much better at rolling with the punches if I've exercised.
- Listen to more music. This could be a whole post in and of itself, but the technological change in how music is listened to has not been easy for me. Finding and making sure the Zune is charged, finding the speakers, flipping through to find the album I want...it's more than popping a CD in the stereo. Music makes me feel - good, bad, sad, happy - and it helps me release lots of emotions. I feel like I haven't nearly done enough listening and singing to get my feelings out and off my chest.

I know there's more that I'd have done in a different way if I could, but I'm here now and it's been done, so the best I can do is pass my advice along. As hard as this road has been, I wouldn't change it for the world. Those two babies sleeping upstairs are everything to me. When I think of the things I have said and done because of my exhaustion, impatience, or whatever, I just want to cry. They, like all children, should always feel and know love. If you are a mom of two (or more) and finding it hard to be loving, know that it happens to all of us. You are not alone - it's just hard to talk about so you feel like you are the only one. Your kids are great and they are what matters. Everything else is just stuff and it will all be there when you are done listening to, talking with, holding, loving your child.

Happy birthday to Me!

My birthday was last week. I love birthdays and am not a big fan of stuff, so when Honey asked me what I wanted, I said “a day to sleep in and not worry about the kids being fed, changed, dressed…”. Considering all of our sleeping issues of late, and the fact that I wake at the drop of a hat and Honey is a bit less alert at 6am, this was a tall order. We decided that it would be easier if we chose a weekend day for my sleeping in, and planned for Sunday.

So I woke on my birthday morning, and Peanut said “mommy where’s your card?” right away. We went into the kitchen and there were cards for me! A sweet one from honey (with pictures of the soon to arrive garden beds and pea pole - yes, I am a gardening geek!) and a wonderful artistic one from the kids. Peanut was so pleased with “her card” and showed me where she had signed it. It actually looks kind of like letters, and Honey told me that as she was writing, she was saying the letters of her name. This struck me since we really don’t “do” letters – clearly, she still picks up on them. I said I was impressed that she wrote her name all by herself. She looked at me earnestly and said, “you can write your name by yourself tomorrow.” Yeah.

We went out for Japanese that night - a first for the kids, and an experiment for me. I have been avoiding soy since we discovered that it triggered some really awful reflux in Pumpkin early on. Peanut thoroughly enjoyed the experience - she had some little dumplings and edamame ("mommy, they are just like m-n-m's!") and the waitress made her a balloon dog. She tried an avocado roll, but had a tough time biting through the seaweed. Pumpkin slept through the first half of the meal, and when he woke, Peanut said "Oh Hi! We're having Japanese! Want some?". He ate some chicken, rice and some veggies with gusto. It seems that the soy was fine for us - Pumpkin and I had no ill effects, so it was a successful and delicious meal. Back at the house, Honey had a cake for me - not too sweet and very yummy!

As far as sleeping in, well... Peanut got sick, Honey's family came into town, my milk supply dropped and Pumpkin started waking every two hours again... Sigh. Someday!

Getting bigger...

My kids are getting big. No really. Not big like large, but big like mature, older, capable, independent. It makes me so proud that they are such great little people, but it makes me sad and scared as well because I know they will soon go off and do their own thing and I'll fade into the background.

I've been really interested to see how Peanut does at preschool. The first month, we had school here and I was the teacher, so it was all fine. This month we are at another child's house with his mom as the teacher, and it was reported that my little Peanut was super quiet the first day. The families involved in our little co-op share pictures and a blog about school, and I can see that Peanut has her fingers in her mouth for some of the photos. She spent a few weeks at the beginning of ballet class with her hands in her mouth, but I didn't expect it with familiar children and adults - familiar as in kids she has seen every week for the past year or so! The change in territory seems to be enough to shake her confidence.

I saw something else interesting. At home, she loves playdough, but really needs and wants an adult to manipulate the dough for her, helping her make beds and animals and blankets and loveys (yes - that is a favorite theme). At school, she looked as though she independently played with the dough more than usual. The other day, she was working on a puzzle that she usually enjoys doing with me or Honey. I walked into the room and she had 1/2 of it done on her own, and she suddenly became helpless and whiny. She said she needed help, couldn't do it, and generally got upset. When I walked away, she was fine and back to her work. She did the whole thing on her own! Hmmmm. Looks like having her in other environments with other teachers is a MUST - otherwise, I'm afraid she will continue to rely on me when she is really quite capable.

This morning, Peanut got a new pink sparkly tutu. She slept through the night all week, and got enough stars on her chart for a prize. She was wearing her dress right away, and only changed to go out to play in the snow (yes - there is still snow). She is beyond proud of herself, and loves her new dress!

Pumpkin continues to work on sleeping in his own room. He has been doing great, but he is waking up often since he is now cutting one of his front teeth. We've managed to keep him in his crib almost all night every night with a few quick night nursings in our bed (it's just so much more comfortable this way!). He is really enjoying his meals now - black beans and butternut squash for lunch today - and eats more than I had anticipated. Our grocery bills are on the rise.

He is really perfecting his balance and mobility - he is now pulling up on moving objects, like small cars, grocery carts, me, and letting go with one hand and sometimes two. He is a pretty fast crawler which is my saving grace as I think he will prefer speed over height for a while longer. He's waving "hi", clapping his hands, and loving to play games with his big sister. He laughs and chuckles when she does peek a boo with him. He is so different than she was as a baby. He loves balls and things with wheels, and loves to make noise and really chew on his toys. It's not like he has a different set of toys than she did either - we've had trucks and planes and balls since Peanut was born - she just veered towards the babies and pumpkin is really working the cars.

Gosh they are sweet.

Dropout

Peanut's sleeping chart seems to be working really well - we are down to maybe twice a week night waking, which is a far cry from 4 times a night. She gets mail and stickers as well as a star on her chart when she sleeps through the night. At the end of the week, she can "win a prize" with enough stars. She is waking up saying "I slept the whole night! I think I have a sticker!" and more often than not, she is right. When she hasn't got mail or a sticker, she'll tell me that she woke up twice or daddy had to come in or whatever the reason. At this point, she really gets it. She's happier, I'm happier - the chart is a hit. We have taken the next step in establishing a more sane household, and are working Pumpkin back into his crib all night. He was in there for at least half the night for a while and then somehow it crept back up to sleeping with us almost all night, and I was really getting no actual deep sleep, which makes for a very crabby mommy.

For the past two nights, we have implemented a sleep routine and bedtime for Pumpkin, and it has been going pretty well. He has staying in his room both nights, and we have tended to him 4-5 times each night, sometimes for a minute and sometimes for an hour. He nurses at night, so there are times when he needs to eat, but those are becoming further apart too. It is really amazing to see that if you give Pumpkin the opportunity to fall asleep on his own, he can and will. He used to easily go down for naps and night, but I think he got into a habit of relying on mom and dad to do all of his soothing for him. We've been telling him: "we know you can fall asleep on your own", "it's so hard, but you can close your eyes and relax", "I know you are so tired and need your sleep", "I'll be back if you need me", and "I'm so proud of you", before we walk out of the room. I feel like believing it is possible is maybe more than half of the solution. If I believe he is able to fall asleep without me holding him, then he will. And he does. And I know from experience with Peanut, that it will continue to get easier for him to do so, and he will sleep for longer stretches. Just last night, I heard him wake up at around 6am, let out one cry, and then go back to sleep.

OK, I will admit that I am co sleeping drop out. I loved having my babies close when they were in the co sleeper, and before they were really mobile. It's really a different story for me once the baby is rolling and crawling. Pumpkin is so active that he could easily crawl up and out of a co sleeper by now, and can definitely climb over whatever barrier we set up for him in the bed. He can, and he will, so it is truly unsafe for us to fall asleep if he is restless. In addition, if he is close to me, he holds my chin, nose, hair, cheek, ear...whatever part he can get and fidgets all night. So even if I felt he wouldn't crawl away, I am still being mauled by an 8 month old, and can't sleep at all with his sharp little nails digging into my eye. I am really jealous of those families that are able to safely and restfully sleep together, but we are just not one of those families. Although I haven't slept well the past two nights, I have slept more comfortably without worrying that he is too close to the edge of the bed, or crawling up to the headboard. I also realized that in order to keep Pumpkin in a safe spot, I was always sleeping on one side which was really wreaking havoc on my neck and shoulder. I'd love to get back to my morning workout routine. I hadn't been able to do that because I didn't want to leave him in bed with Honey alone and one side of the bed completely open for falling, and transferring him successfully to the crib was clearly a pipe dream. So, yeah, we can't co sleep and be patient, well rested, thoughtful parents.

Here's hoping that a little sleep is all it will take to be more patient!

Why and Mine

We have officially entered the land of Why and Mine. This evening, while putting Peanut to bed she began to itemize the contents of her room and claim each item as "mine". It is really interesting to see possession unfold from just wanting something someone else has to understanding that things in a certain space are yours by default. She is getting a little better at using words to say when she wants something that another child has, but still prefers to grab and go.

The "why" surprised me - I thought I wasn't in for that for a while. She had a long string of them going before I realized what was happening. I dug deeper and deeper for explanations to why the heating vent in her room needed to stay clear - who would think that would be so entertaining as to take up 10 minutes of why?

After all the hullabaloo about sleeping (or not) we finally decided to set up a sleep chart with rewards. So far, we have had 5 nights of Peanut sleeping all the way through the night. She loves her chart, the stickers she gets and her "mail". I'm not above bribery for a little shut eye. Now that we've got a few good nights under our belt, I am feeling ready to tackle the little one. Pumpkin has been waking once or twice a night to eat which is fine really, but we have had some trouble getting him down at night. I've been a little more consistent with naps and hope to work on overnights as well. Last night he slept from 10:30 or so until 4:30am so we are back to longer stretches. What a difference this all makes in my mental outlook!

Our little dude continues to amaze. He is clapping and I think he is understanding the signs for more and milk. Sometimes I think the clapping is actually a "more". He is now cruising a few feet at a time and today he stood at a basket in his room and stepped from there to the chair letting go with one hand. OY. He's just a big flirt with a smile for everyone - he makes me laugh and laugh!

Another busy week in the life

A dull moment - nope we don't really have them. There is always plenty to do and check and try and catch up on and start and finish and redo....

This week, we started preschool with Peanut. A few families from our moms group, the Holistic Moms Network, have created, planned, and finally implemented a small coop preschool. The first few months we'll meet once a week for school with parents rotating as hosts, teachers, and assistants. We wanted an opportunity for our kids to have some structured learning and feed their interests and curiosity. We also think outdoor activity and exploration is really important regardless of the weather! The first month is at our house with me as the teacher, so I am having fun with lesson plans (any teacher I have supervised will know my stance on infant and preschool lesson plans... good to have them, but they never actually go as planned) and the winter theme. We had a great time making pine cone bird feeders, exploring animal tracks outside in the snow, and talking about hot and cold, melting, winter animals, and a myriad of other related ideas. I like to have a starting point and let the kids show their interests so we can get on a tangent.

At snack yesterday, I guess Peanut was thinking about school. She said "look mommy, there's some birds out there eating food! I think they are eating seeds...from a pine cone. We have to check tomorrow." I love to see and hear her putting it all together.

The sleep saga continues with Peanut...we even took her to the doctor (not a really common occurrence in our house) to rule out anything physical. It seems to have made an impression though because Peanut will tell me the doctor said that sleeping is VERY important. We've had some major downs (a four + hour tantrum from 3am on one day) and some major ups (8pm to 4am straight sleep last night!) and have worked and reworked our plan of attack. Now that we are sure it is all behavior, we are feeling better about drawing a line in the sand, and it seems to be working. We have also taken the mailbox idea from Julie. Peanut likes the idea of the mailbox, and liked getting mail this morning even though it was a white post it note that said "No stickers today... try again tomorrow!". She says that when she sleeps through the night her mail will be purple with stickers. OK - I'm in.

My little big man is scaring me a bit - he has decided to take a step towards cruising. He turned 7 months old yesterday. Yeah. A little early I think, but he's all about it. Really, it just goes to show that kids learn to do all the things they need to without the walkers, jumpers, exersaucers, and whatnot. He's never been in any of those and he is speedy fast - so was Peanut.

With my mother's helper, some exercise, a little more sleep, and the ability to wear most of my pre-baby clothes, I am feeling like more of a person this week. Now don't get me wrong - I still have very few unstained items of clothing and makeup eludes me most days so you can see the circles and know how many hours I've slept, but I am on my own list and that feels pretty good.

An evening off

BOTH kids are sleeping. I am pinching myself because it is 8:20pm and we haven't had a two hour battle over sleeping this evening. Honey is actually working out and I am having a celebratory glass of wine while I type away.

After several long days with naptime and nighttime battles with Peanut, and me calling for backup or for someone to talk me off a ledge on a regular basis, I decided she was overtired and that we needed to move nap and bedtime up a little. The first day we shifted nap from 1pm to noon, it worked like a charm. After a few minutes of silence, she complained and requested a tissue. When I didn't reply, she got one and blew her own nose and went to sleep. Hallelujah!

We decided to move bedtime up as well, hoping that was the key. That night was a whole other story though. Another two hour long horrible screaming and crying nightmarish scene unfolded, and Honey and I were left questioning our sanity, parenting ability, self control, and our daughters health. After she finally fell asleep (in different jammies and socks, a new blanket, no stuffed animals or babies in the bed, and no canopy, with a promise of no TV tomorrow - a little bit of conditional parenting happens when you are tired and insanely sleep deprived), we determined that:
1) two year olds are difficult and sometimes they have sleep issues,
2) most two year olds do NOT take two hours to fall asleep on a fairly regular basis like Peanut does. This is from the time she gets into bed vs. the time we begin bedtime - tack on another 30-40 minutes for that.
3) she has no idea what she wants and therefore, we will never be able to satisfy that need,
4) we need to stay calm and controlled when we are dealing with this, otherwise it escalates fast, and
5) having her cry is better than us losing our temper. If we need to walk away and take deep breaths or count to 10 while she screams, so be it.

So today, Honey was in charge of napping, and while Peanut went down for a nap, she did not sleep. We decided that she should remain in her room for rest time regardless. We also determined that it was time for the big guns. We spiked her strawberry kefir with melatonin this evening at dinner. We are oh so hopeful that she wakes up happy and well rested. It remains to be seen if this will help with the routine wake up at 1am we have had this week as well. I really can't imagine what a night without her waking might feel like, even though ti used to be the norm.

Honestly, right now I am just happy to have a small amount of time for a break from the kids. I'd say during the week that there is about a 20 minute period where they both sleep at the same time during the day. So when the evening rolls around, I am really looking forward to punching out on the time clock for a little bit. Having that taken away for so long is extraordinarily draining. This week I did have a mothers helper for two afternoons, so I got some exercise and a whole bunch of chores done (I had no idea how productive I could be in two hours!). I can only imagine what these sleeping issues would have been like without that help. This feels a little luxurious, sitting here with my wine...

I'm a little hesitant to allow myself to fully celebrate anything yet. I could start dreaming of calm (or wild!) evenings after the kids are in bed, all the loose ends that would be tied up (read: crap on my desk), and the new glow that folks would see and wonder why I'm so happy and well rested. But I won't, not yet anyway. I am still waiting for that darn other shoe.

Very short fuse

The fact that I am not drinking heavily blows my mind. Both kids and Honey have been sick for the past few days, it's been freezing cold, and no one is sleeping. Peanut has been melting down every other minute or so it seems. She wakes up during the night several times for water, a tissue, or just a blanket check. I know she is jealous of her little brother, especially lately with all the holding we are doing. Pumpkin has somehow completely forgotten how to put himself to sleep, sleep in his crib, and sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. Needless to say, I'm not thinking clearly, which limits my creativity in getting back on track with bedtime routines.

We decided to pull out the books and stuff we used to help us come up with a plan when Peanut was just starting to get into a sleep routine. We wanted (and needed) to encourage her to sleep for the same reasons we need Pumpkin to sleep - we will lose our minds if we don't have some sleep ourselves. I especially, am feeling the effects of sleep deprivation. Combine that with the lack of exercise, decreased sunlight, and general overwhelmedness of being a parent of two little ones and it's a recipe for disaster. My patience is so thin it may not even be there, and I am just scowling and angry all the time or so it seems.

As I started to skim the familiar tomes (I used these for my clients for many years as well) I realized that we were missing Pumpkins cues entirely. He wakes up, I feed him, change him, we play, and then he gets fussy. We had been assuming he was either just fussy, hungry or both. I think there was also an element of "plugging him up" because we were dealing with our older one's tantrums and stress and it was easy to stick a paci or a boob in Pumpkins mouth while we dealt with the tantrum. Turns out, he was tired. Yesterday, at the first signs of sleepiness/crabbiness, we brought him into his room, turned the lights down and the music on, and snuggled him up until he began to close his eyes. Then before he was out, we put him in his crib and told him how we knew he could fall asleep on his own, and we would come back if he needed us, but we were sure he could do it. The first time was a little rough, but it has gotten easier. Last night we got him to sleep in his crib part of the night and today we have had successful napping! The naps are still too short, but he falls asleep on his own and he is in his own bed.

Peanut is not such a success story. Last night was the worst yet - two hours from the beginning of bedtime to what we thought was her sleeping. She woke several times for various and sundry needs, and decided at 5am that she was awake. Then she wanted to eat, but she didn't, to pee but she didn't, to sleep, but she didn't, to play downstairs....you get the idea. Lots of screaming and crying, and generally being a sleepless two year old. She had no idea what she wanted. I'm sure she wanted some love and attention, but honestly I was so stressed from the lack of sleep and annoyed with her demands that just snuggling up was the last thing on my mind. At some point in our morning, she looked at me and earnestly told me "it is OK to be angry, it's OK to be mad, it's OK to be annoyed sometimes". How can she be so sweet and caring and so....TWO at the same time?!

I had been reading up on postpartum depression because of the frustration and intense mood swings and irritability I have been experiencing. I have discovered that there is something called postpartum anger - which I am sure I do have. Everything makes me mad, and it's mad mad, not ramp up mad. All of the things that should help alleviate it are the things I know I should do but haven't been able to work it in to the day - exercise, eating well, taking time for myself, meditating, talking to friends... I did make an appointment with a therapist which I hope will help some. I do have a mother's helper who will be here twice a week beginning tomorrow, so hopefully that will provide some help. It's funny that so many people have offered to take one or both of the kids so I can take a break, but I never think to ask for help, especially when I am in the throes of a very bad day. I know I need to take advantage of these offers.

So now both kids are napping, and I am realizing that I could use this time to my advantage. What an afterthought I have become. I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Small pleasures

Some days it feels like I am living someone else's life. I had a little bit of an out of body experience last night when Peanut woke up just as I was settling down for the night. She was obviously not feeling well, and my mama instinct kicked in as Honey and I tried to figure out how best to settle her back down, but it felt like someone else. You ever get that? Like I was still laying in bed without responsibility or desire to respond while "grown up me" was out there doing what mommies do. Weird. She woke up with another cold, so we are in for the day. We went to the pediatrician yesterday for Pumpkin's 4 month check up - that's always a good place to catch something new. I whipped up some chicken soup for lunch and have a pot roast in the crock pot for dinner. Hopefully, she will eat and drink and get well sooner rather than later. She is taking a power nap right now, which will definitely help.

Pumpkin has been moving and grooving - he is rolling and pivoting all over the floor and grabbing everything he can get his little hands on. I love to watch him explore. It was funny answering the doc's questions yesterday - is he smiling? as he smiles and laughs at her - is he reaching for toys? as he reaches and pulls his sisters hair. Check, check. I am not concerned about this kids development. He's been doing some more sleeping in his crib - staking a claim on his room, and I am feeling like we will get our bedroom back to ourselves one day.

So our bathroom has a real floor! The shower floor is tiled as is the main floor and it looks beautiful. I had been a little concerned that we had too much white with the floor and wall tile but I really like how clean it looks. The bits of green in the shower floor help break it up and I know the glass tile on the wall will be fantastic - once it gets here that is. Oh I am so excited to have a working bathroom right there!

Anything you want to be...

I don't want to jinx it, but it seems that we have had a few nights of good bedtime routines and sleep. Honey and I realized that we were dealing with the endless bedtime by being angry and our expectation was that it would be awful no matter what we did. We shifted our thinking, and decided that Peanut was absolutely capable of going to sleep nicely on her own, and approached bedtime with confidence, pride, and high expectations. We told her exactly what we would do and what we expected from her. We told her we thought she was big enough to go to sleep without help from mom and dad. We told her she was lucky and that very few parents let their kids fall asleep on their own. It worked! She has gone to bed really well the past few days and we have started to relax again. We still have some night waking, but we used the same ideas with that yesterday and she only woke once last night and got back to sleep herself. Hurrah!

Our little man has been working hard as well - he is rolling over on his own! He flipped once a few days ago when I wasn't watching. I came back in the room and he was on his belly. Yesterday he started rolling without making it a secret. Oh my, now he is getting off his blanket or mat and onto the hardwood... Pumpkin has also gotten really into grabbing things - anything he can get his hand on gets smashed and crushed and brought to his mouth. He is trying to imitate raspberries too - so cute!

We are getting ready for Halloween, and Pumpkin will wear the Penguin outfit that Peanut wore two years ago. We will have yet more photos that we can't tell them apart I'm sure. Peanut wants to be a "blue kitty ballet princess". Hmmm. We bought a purple dance outfit that she has worn for dress up, but it is not what she wants to wear for Halloween. So I've started getting that blue kitty ballet princess outfit together, but I could barely get the skirt back off her to finish it once I had her try it on for size. Here she is watching football with daddy in her tutu. I'm not sure how I'll do the top yet, but I know she'll have a crown and some kitty ears. Who knew you could be all of these things rolled up into one?

So sleepy

Well, we know Peanut is feeling better because last night we were back to the outrageous 2 year old bedtime routine we have grown to dread. No lie, almost 3 hours from the time we started reading books to the time she actually fell asleep. She is exhausted and can barely keep her eyes open but yet continues to ask for water and tissues and all sorts of other random things. At least we both (Honey and I) remained calm throughout. Oh but I am tired. Pumpkin is going through a little growth spurt and feeding frenzy so once he wakes at 2am to eat, he wriggles and fusses and eats some more until about 5am. So I sleep from 11pm - 2am and 5am-6 or 7am. No fun really. But look how sweet and adorable they are - how can two little ones this wonderfully cute make me so sleepy sometimes? I know, this too shall pass. And when it does, I will wonder where the time has gone and wish for these days when they were small.

Little Big Man

Since bathroom demo begins tomorrow at 8am, it seemed prudent to try to have Pumpkin sleep in his crib in his room today for a nap, just to be sure it would go over well tomorrow when it was a necessity. He has been sleeping at night and naps in his cosleeper next to our bed. It's super easy to feed him at night and I love that I can hear him so close to me and know that he is safe. With Peanut, we started naps in her crib around the same time - 3-4 months or so - and that seemed to work nicely as the beginning of transitioning to the crib for night as well. So I put him down for his nap and he is happy as a clam - why would I think otherwise? He is really a great easygoing guy. Here he is looking so tiny in that big crib!My little man is getting big! He is now enraptured by watching people eat, and I suspect he would make a valiant attempt to wolf down anything he was offered! We'll hold off on solid food a bit longer though. He's also working so hard on rolling over. He has surprised himself a few times by rolling tummy to back, but this week he has been trying back to tummy and almost making it. He looks so proud of himself too!





Here he is pleased as punch about getting to his side -

And here's a short clip of him working at it. He is determined to flip and I think once he figures it out I am in for some trouble!

In the wee hours

I hear a rustle, a few little coos, another rustle. The clock says 3:30am. I look over and my little man is wriggling around. After a few minutes of thinking "maybe he will settle back down again", "I just can't move", "is it really 3:30?", the coos become caws and I know he is wet and hungry. Decision time. Will he scream if I choose to change him first? Will he (and I) fall back asleep if I feed him first and thus make it harder to get up to change him afterwards? I get up, change him, he yells a little but mostly smiles, happy to be dry and with mom at our alone time this early in the morning. We've been up and down all night - well, I've been awake but Honey has been the one to go in to Peanut's room to settle her down. We've finally discovered that she is teething her huge molars which is why we have 2 year old madness time 875. As we settle back into bed to nurse, I hear a little rustling in the other room. This is now become a routine - as I begin to nurse Pumpkin, Peanut wakes up calling for me or daddy. No need for half the family to be awake - we should all be up really. Goodness - it's 4 am - the day is getting away from us! So we tend to babes, and snuggle in, explaining to the older that it is still nighttime and she needs to go back to sleep. Time to roll over and switch sides, but Pumpkin is having none of it. Now that he has his sugar rush, he is wide awake and ready to play. He smiles and wriggles, rolls and complains that I am not an active participant. Daddy takes him and lays him on his chest and I go back to sleep for a blissful few hours. As tired as we are, I wouldn't trade these times for anything.

Please Sleep!!!

I am a girl who needs her sleep. Early to bed and early to rise and all that, but there better be some good solid sleep in between. So far, my little man has been doing really well sleeping (knock wood) and he wakes to eat or pee and then drifts back off again. I am getting maybe 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep if I go to bed by 10. Not to shabby for an almost 3 month old.

On the other hand, Peanut who has been sleeping in her own room since she was like 6 months old and was sleeping through the night early enough that I got lots of dirty looks from other moms, is now giving us a pretty good run for our money. For over a week now, she has fought and fought HARD to stay awake at naps and bedtime. It all seems fine until you move to leave the room (we do books and music and then tuck her in - we used to just leave and shut the door and she was out 90% of the time) and then the drama begins. Even the first "mommmmmy, mommmmmmmy" or "daaaaddy daaaaddy" sounds pained, like someone is hurting her. She says she needs to pee, poop, have a drink, get her baby doll wrapped up, get a tissue, read a book, change the music...you name it. She has even said "don't leave mommy" which I was thankful to hear because at least she is saying what is under all of the drama instead of wrapping it up in all the other nonsense.

Honey and I have tried to think through this logically and discuss how to deal with it. We are a really good team - able to back each other up and support one another when we are clearly at a loss. There have been a few times when I have been doing the bedtime routine and the crying and pleading has just gotten to my "anger/lose control" switch and I have relied on Honey to take over mid sentence (that is certainly not to say that I haven't lost it a few times...). We began by reasoning that she is looking for more attention and control and so we calmly talked with her about going to bed, asked why she was crying, and fed into the litany of routines and rituals that she needed to get settled. At some point Honey discovered that she was afraid of the dark and we put in a night light which seemed to help momentarily. We also supplied a pillow and another blanket. When we realized the wailing stopped and she was smiling at us like she had won when we went in and asked what was wrong, and we were both working hard for the whole evening, we decided to try a new tack. We began to go in and say "it's time to go to sleep" and put her back down/in bed. This seemed to be working, but last night it was over two hours from the time we put her down to sleep to the time she was actually asleep. I finally went in close to 10pm and told her that if she stayed awake and yelling, I was going to call her friends and tell them not to come to playgroup the next morning because she would be too tired to play. Unbelievably, that worked.

Cognitively, I know that our kids, like all kids, will go through phases in all aspects of their development. We'll have these times where life is difficult. But for some reason, sleeping really pushes my buttons. I think it is because with two little ones, the only time I get for myself is nap time (if I can get them to sleep at the same time) or bedtime. The only time that Honey and I have for each other is when the kids are asleep. If I am anticipating "getting a break" and then it never happens, I am just really annoyed. As a mom, I feel like I am "on the clock" all the time, and can't really take a moment to do something for just me. I did do yoga the other night at 10pm though - it felt really good. And I have been taking a little extra time in the shower just to breathe.

Honey and I had a whole discussion about men and women and the bathroom. It seems that men are more comfortable going in there and reading and continuing to hang out and read long after they require the facilities. I am going to need to give this a try (of course not unless Honey is home...).

My Big Girl!

As we are hard at work getting our house prepared for this new little one soon to arrive, we have been moving furniture around and getting rid of lots of stuff! This morning, we decided to move one of the twin beds from our guestroom (soon to be baby's room) into Peanut's room so she could get used to the idea of a "big girl bed" just being in her room. We actually planned to keep her in her crib and borrow another crib from a friend once we move the new baby out of the co sleeper. So we had no expectations of Peanut actually using the bed. Well... she saw it, yelled "up, up!" and didn't want to leave it. She took her nap in the bed, and did fine! I was posting on freecycle while she napped (and I checked her a million times to be sure she didn't fall out of bed) and saw a bed rail and snatched that up since we were totally unprepared for our toddler using this bed! This evening, we gave her the option of her crib or the bed to sleep in, and she chose the bed! She settled in without so much as a peep. I am absolutely stunned, and so sappy about my little girl growing up so fast. I just can't believe it - to see her little self in that big bed is too much for my hormonal pregnant crybaby self. Oh she is so sweet!

Peanut Just Played Her!

So, here's a funny story - we went out on Saturday night to Honey's cousins house for a wine tasting. On a side note, the fact that he is into wine is HILARIOUS as he has incessantly poked fun at us (well, Honey really) for getting into wine. Anyway - it was a fun reason to have a night out for us and we got a babysitter for a few hours. The sitter has watched Peanut before and put her down for naps, but never to bed at night. Well, this should be easy money, right? A quick good night and then lounging in front of the TV for the rest of the evening. Not so much. We get a couple of messages when we checked my phone at the party from the babysitter - Peanut won't go to bed. Hmmmmm. She is 1 1/2 years old. What is the deal? So we call and let her know we are on our way back now. She says that when she puts Peanut in her crib, she cries and won't sleep. OK.

So we get home, and I go upstairs to see what is going on and there is no one there. I go downstairs and they are happily playing with toys in the rec room. So we can all see what the deal is here - Peanut has decided that this sweet girl is here to play with her and there is zero chance she is going to go to bed when they could be whooping it up! She totally played her like a fiddle! She complained, the babysitter came in and picked her up, and she guided her to the toys. We talked a little about how sometimes kids do that and you need to just let them know it's time for bed and close the door. We'll have the babysitter come early to put Peanut to sleep alongside us next time I think.

Honey put her in bed and she was asleep before I left to take the babysitter home.

The best part is that she was so tired, that she slept in the next day. What a bonus! I woke up with no alarm and no baby sounds and still had time to myself before I heard a peep from her room at 8:30. That was completely unexpected and worth a little angst the night before.