Tired

Once you decide to change one thing, life becomes a slippery slope it seems.  Wake up and get out the door by 7, only buys stress and anxiety.  Traffic adds to that feeling, and then another hour long trip home with the darkness coming earlier and earlier makes me feel like I am missing it all.  I'm trying to make time for fun activities before dinner, with some success, but the two leisurely days I have with the little one each week remind me of what I am missing with the big one. 

I'm still trying to get into the groove myself.  Deciding what fits and what doesn't, what must and what can't.  It's not even close to what I need.  Clearly the things that didn't make the cut are the things I need most for my sanity - exercise, blogging, time with friends. 

And while school is great for one kid, we are still in a wait and see holding pattern with the other, so that adds to my stress.  Did we make the right choice?  Is it worth turning it all upside down?  Can't I just be with the kids and not rush around making more money so I can spend more money so I can not have time with them, so I can have someone else play with them and teach them all day?  Even the questioning becomes a slope to slide right down. 

So I'll question and tweak, and make it all work.  But I have to tell you that right now I am just plain tired.

Fun!

Well, after last week of being a sad boy at preschool, Pumpkin made a concious decision to enjoy himself this week.  He told me he was going to have fun and he wasn't going to be sad.  Not in the kind of conversation where I feed him lines and he agrees, but the kind of conversation that he starts completely on his own and I just listen and interject some "oh's, uh huh's, and mmm's". 

On Monday, Honey drove Peanut to school, and Pumpkin was incensed that he was not going.  He stood outside in his Bike helmet and underpants and cried and yelled that he wanted to go too.  I wish I had thought to take a photo, but alas, you will have to image it.  It was as amusing as it sounds. 

So by Wednesday, he was pumped up.  He had a great day playing, and today, he barely looked back to say goodbye.  I had to ask for a hug and he reluctantly turned back for one.  I need to plan on all my hugs and kisses as we get out of the car it seems as I am certainly not going to get them once we are inside!  He told me all about his day and the other kids, and is excited for next week already.  Whew. 


Here's my boy as we killed time between Peanut's drop off and his - he can get really dirty in about a nanosecond...

Sad sad boy

Pumpkin and I have not had very much time apart in his two years.  Yes, he spends part of a day each week with a nanny while I work, he's been to lots and lots of playgroups, has been in coop preschool with me while I taught or assisted, and has been (rarely) with other coop moms while I taught or assisted.  He has not ever been dropped off with adults and children that he does not know for any length of time. 

Peanut, as you know by now, is going to an amazing school that matches her personality really well and has already drawn her out of her shell.  My thinking is that 1) I'm going to work to help pay for this, so I'd like to work at least some of the days she is at school.  2) It seems awfully silly to have the kids at two different schools or to have one home and the other in school.  3) He'll love it! 

So my plan is that he'll go two days and she will go four.  I'll work the two days they are both at school as well as the two other days I currently work.  We'll continue with our nanny, and I'll have time with the kids in the weekday afternoons as well as Sundays, and I'll have time with just Pumpkin on Monday and Tuesdays.  This all seems doable, except that he is super sad at school so far.  I know I know, it's only day two, but his little sad face in the pictures from today is just killing me!  He separated easily and I could leave without issue, but it looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown in all the pictures, and when I picked him up he was so very sad.  I mentioned that our nanny would be here tomorrow and he even said "mommy I need you here with me!" which is unheard of as he loves when the nanny comes. 

Now of course I am second guessing it all.  Alternatives are flying around my head.  Should I move all my Friday clients to Wednesday so I can be free to hang with the kids Fridays?  Should I just keep him home for longer and not worry about working more?  Should I just have him home and have a nanny two days while Peanut is at school?  Should I carry on and hope that he will feel more comfortable next week?  I feel like we should go on trying since it's so new, but still, my heart is in knots for the boy.  Oh my sad little man.  Sigh. 

The First Day

The first day, and I know I was more frazzled and wary than she was.  I had been working all weekend on a million forms to fill out, snacks to bake, errands to run, breakfast and lunches to pack... Since this first week is all 1/2 days, Pumpkin and I are finding activities close by school, but that means I'm packing for a full morning for all of us. 

With Peanut, we took it really low key - no photo ops, just some easy conversation about school starting.  We talked about the kids who would be there and some who would not.  We talked about how the teacher she had connected with this summer would be a mentor to the other teachers and she wouldn't see her as much.  We talked driving there, and when I would be picking her up. All was well, and everyone was calm but anticipating the day. 

She slept fine, got up snuggly, and as she got dressed, she got a little apprehensive.  Suddenly, those pants were too small or too big, and she didn't want to wear them, and she didn't want this or that... I could have been annoyed, but I know she was concerned about it all.  So I sat down and held her and talked about how most kids are worried on the first day of school.  Most kids don't know everyone in their class or their teachers.  I reminded her that she knew and liked some of the children, and she knew and really liked some of the teachers.  I reminded her of the farm animals, the dragon tree, the space where all of her extra clothes will be, how she really enjoyed all of the outdoor time, and how she would surely get to use her new raincoat today.  We found a new pair of pants, and she was ready to go. 

She was slow to smile when we walked in, but the text I got in an hour or so said she was happily talking about her new bunk beds at breakfast.  She was happy when I came to pick her up, and had drawn a picture of our playground at home for me.  I heard about the rain, playing outside and getting her crocs all muddy.  Not much, but I know I will hear more tomorrow morning on the way back to school. 

We all crashed hard this afternoon - I even turned on the tube for the kids to veg since everything else seemed to be such hard work.  Remember the last party you went to where you didn't know anyone?  Remember how much work it was to make smalltalk and remember who was who?  It drains you.  Imagine how hard that must be for a little kid.  We forget how much energy it takes to do this school thing, especially for someone who likes to be in comfortable, known situations like Peanut. 

On to the next tomorrow - Pumpkin has his first day too.  I'll stay for a bit, and he will have a shortened day to start getting used to the idea.  I'll have to keep in mind that although I expect he will be fine and jump right in, I'll need to be patient and support him as well.  Having two kids with such different personalities can throw you for a loop sometimes.  We shall see what the morning holds!

And the point is...

So we started preschool for Peanut with the idea that it would give her another opportunity to socialize with other kids and adults. We were hoping it would expand her horizons a bit. The other goal was that I'd have some time to spend with Pumpkin one on one and that I could really enjoy my little dude. I've not been really interested in the "academics" of preschool, and would be completely fine if Peanut played all day with a new group of kids and adults, so we chose a play based cooperative preschool with a somewhat relaxed feel.

Well, as I was making the drive to school this morning, I was thinking about these goals and how well we are meeting them. I actually like the drive - it takes 20-30 minutes, and I hadn't realized how much I missed driving. I spent 15 years driving around for work and I had gotten used to having that decompression time in the car with the music on. The time driving though means that the time to spend with Pumpkin is minimal. We can get there and back and have about an hour and a half before we have to head out again to pick up Peanut. That's if we haven't got other errands to run. Then there is the napping issue; I think every second (or third, fourth, etc) kid gets the short end of the stick here. On preschool days, his naps get all messed up because he falls asleep in the car. Which means that at some point later in the day, either he is just a tired beast or I spend 45 minutes getting him to settle down for a 30 minute nap so he can make it through the rest of the afternoon. So on the Pumpkin front, the goals are not really being met as he is logging a ton of car time and basically hanging out at home with me long enough to eat a snack, prepare lunches, and play for a few minutes.

As far as Peanut socializing, she is socializing mostly with her one friend in class who she has known forever and sees at playgroup and homeschool preschool as well. She has begun to talk a bit more to the other adults who teach and help, which is great. I can't say though that it is a huge difference from any other activities we do. The first day I cooped at the school, I felt like there wasn't anything they did that we don't already do at home. I also felt like there was too much focus on getting lots of activities in rather than spending quality time with each thing and getting the kids to really interact, which is what Peanut needs most. So while it is a group of kids that offers a social challenge to her in that they are not well known to her overall, the focus is not on encouraging her to come out of her shell. So I think we may be missing the boat a bit on those goals as well.

The biggest issue I am having though has nothing to do with the kids. In both our homeschool coop and this coop, I volunteer. I'm finding that the expectations for volunteering at this coop are pretty big, and we pay a pretty decent tuition as well. So I end up shelling out some time and money, but don't really feel like I can advocate for things like less activities during the day and more time spent on interactions. I'd like to have more input, but with so many families and many things already decided upon, I can't see that changing. So that's a bit frustrating. I think it would be OK if I was just sending her to a regular preschool and I was not expected or required to put in any time. I'd feel like part of that scenario would be for me to have some time to myself as well, where this set up does not really grant that.

I'm also feeling like we have so many activities planned that our one free day just isn't cutting it. I'd love to have a more free flowing day and avoid the push to get out the door at a certain time almost every day. I'm not sure it is all worth it. I guess I think supporting kids in interacting with people in the real world trumps preschool group activities right now. I think we'll finish out the year with school, but I can't really see us doing this again next year, especially since it would be 3 or 4 days a week. You never know though, I can always change my mind!

Decisions, Decisions

It's been quite some time eh? We've been traveling and I've been wrestling with big issues in my head like education, parenting, and generally being a mom, so while many an excellent blog post has been written in my head, none have actually been put to paper. So sorry you have missed out on my current neuroses!

This morning in the shower, I had an epiphany. I decided that in September, Peanut would start up in our Preschool Homeschool Co-op that she participated in last year, and I would no longer consider any other preschool or class options for her right now. I should probably start at the beginning...

I have been thinking A LOT about preschool and education lately, as I have been reading everything by Alfie Kohn that I can get my hands on. I had been considering having Peanut join a public school preschool special education class as one of the peer role models, and while the benefits would be great, the idea of public school was not really appealing to me. I never thought I would be in this position. My entire career has been in public service, much of it in the infant and toddler portion of the public special education system. I have always been a supporter of public education, and I think I still am...I'm just not sure I want to be "that mom" at the PTA meeting who disagrees with literally everything. At this point, I am feeling pretty strongly about limiting the random rewards that schools are famous for - get a certificate for a happy meal for every book you read, candy and snacks provided for remaining quiet in class - and I am feeling even more strongly about the loss of our teachers. We have wonderful teachers who can no longer focus on inspiring curiosity and encouraging learning, but are in a punitive system themselves and are teaching to the test. It is no longer about education, it is about sorting children. Reading groups, grading systems, tracks - it is all sorting. Kids staying quiet to learn...seems really absurd. Shouldn't they be excited and interested and talking with each other? I'm so afraid of the curiosity within my baby being squashed like a bug on the very first day. There is so much more about public school that makes me nervous, but at this point it is all superfluous.

So then I considered Waldorf education, which is really laid back and matches mine and Peanuts style as far as how important (or not) it is to learn letters and numbers by age 3 or whenever it is deemed necessary to learn them in order to "get ahead" (of what or whom I'm not really sure). It would provide an opportunity for her to explore with me and without me in a relaxed atmosphere with lots of art, music, and movement. The teachers are all loving and the mood is accepting of everyone. But really, while it all looks grand, it is an hour drive each way and I am not prepared to do that for a 3 year old who may or may not speak at all during the whole semester.

Then I went back to the idea of public school, and then I saw Consuming Kids. One of the things I dislike about public schools (and have always railed against) is the corporate influences. Soda machines in schools to raise money and lesson plans created by major companies and industries just make my blood boil. The film identifies some schools where they have gone so far as to sell the naming rights to the gym or auditorium in exchange for advertising. They also talked a bit about bus radio which was fairly crazy. Talk about a captive audience, and talk about taking advantage of childhood innocence. And lots of schools went for it before the public outcry was so huge they shut it down. Sheesh. So yeah. We're back on the homeschoolers bus. Which I can honestly say I have never ever ever had any clue that I would be even remotely considering going this route. Even after our co-op experiment started last year, I still assumed that we would be sending the kids to public kindergarten. Now I am not so sure.

We have two years to make that big K decision, so for now I am focusing our energies where they should be. Peanut and Pumpkin (probably starting in January for him) will do our homeschool coop, and we can spend our free time exploring whatever floats their boat. I figure we can pair our "field trips" with what we are already doing in school - as we explore each monthly theme, we will spend some time during the week diving in further so we can all learn and have fun together while broadening her horizons a bit. So during our Visual Arts month, I expect to hit some museums and probably some working art studios. We will likely be harvesting during our harvest theme :) but we also have many festivals and the farmers markets as well as working farms to explore.

Right now, Peanut is focused on princesses - specifically Cinderella. We spent the morning at the library looking for princess books where the princess is not a total floosie, and can actually fend for herself a bit. I think we gave the librarians a bit of a kick, but we did find some good stuff on Pocahontas, Joan of Arc, the real Cinderella (not the one with the blue dress, immaculate hair, and barbie proportions marketed by a certain company), and some stuff on dresses and costumes. I think by following what she loves - ballet and classical music, dancing and beautiful dresses with sparkle, we can tackle some interesting things! We've just got to be original and creative and aim to stay curious.

So now that decisions have been made, you should all hear a bit more from me on a regular basis. And maybe I will stop griding my teeth at night too. At least until the next big decision comes a long.

Getting bigger...

My kids are getting big. No really. Not big like large, but big like mature, older, capable, independent. It makes me so proud that they are such great little people, but it makes me sad and scared as well because I know they will soon go off and do their own thing and I'll fade into the background.

I've been really interested to see how Peanut does at preschool. The first month, we had school here and I was the teacher, so it was all fine. This month we are at another child's house with his mom as the teacher, and it was reported that my little Peanut was super quiet the first day. The families involved in our little co-op share pictures and a blog about school, and I can see that Peanut has her fingers in her mouth for some of the photos. She spent a few weeks at the beginning of ballet class with her hands in her mouth, but I didn't expect it with familiar children and adults - familiar as in kids she has seen every week for the past year or so! The change in territory seems to be enough to shake her confidence.

I saw something else interesting. At home, she loves playdough, but really needs and wants an adult to manipulate the dough for her, helping her make beds and animals and blankets and loveys (yes - that is a favorite theme). At school, she looked as though she independently played with the dough more than usual. The other day, she was working on a puzzle that she usually enjoys doing with me or Honey. I walked into the room and she had 1/2 of it done on her own, and she suddenly became helpless and whiny. She said she needed help, couldn't do it, and generally got upset. When I walked away, she was fine and back to her work. She did the whole thing on her own! Hmmmm. Looks like having her in other environments with other teachers is a MUST - otherwise, I'm afraid she will continue to rely on me when she is really quite capable.

This morning, Peanut got a new pink sparkly tutu. She slept through the night all week, and got enough stars on her chart for a prize. She was wearing her dress right away, and only changed to go out to play in the snow (yes - there is still snow). She is beyond proud of herself, and loves her new dress!

Pumpkin continues to work on sleeping in his own room. He has been doing great, but he is waking up often since he is now cutting one of his front teeth. We've managed to keep him in his crib almost all night every night with a few quick night nursings in our bed (it's just so much more comfortable this way!). He is really enjoying his meals now - black beans and butternut squash for lunch today - and eats more than I had anticipated. Our grocery bills are on the rise.

He is really perfecting his balance and mobility - he is now pulling up on moving objects, like small cars, grocery carts, me, and letting go with one hand and sometimes two. He is a pretty fast crawler which is my saving grace as I think he will prefer speed over height for a while longer. He's waving "hi", clapping his hands, and loving to play games with his big sister. He laughs and chuckles when she does peek a boo with him. He is so different than she was as a baby. He loves balls and things with wheels, and loves to make noise and really chew on his toys. It's not like he has a different set of toys than she did either - we've had trucks and planes and balls since Peanut was born - she just veered towards the babies and pumpkin is really working the cars.

Gosh they are sweet.

Unplanned Landscaping

I do like the snow. I have to admit, I have wished for more of it during my time living here in Virginia. I've pshawed when schools close, rolled my eyes at drivers who won't go out in an inch of snow, lost patience with the multiple mentions of black ice... in New York we built igloos at the bus stop. Please people. So perhaps this is my fault - we have had so much snow this winter it's crazy! The last few snows have been fine - enough to have fun and play in, but the roads got cleared pretty easily and everyone got back to work fairly soon.

Peanut has loved playing in the snow! We just finished our first month of preschool where we learned about winter and snow, so we've read every snow related book, done experiments with snow melting, made clouds out of cotton, found animal tracks in the snow and made snow angels. She's got a lot in her head that she wants to do right about now, and seeing the snow makes her chomp at the bit! Here's some pics of the last storm - she found a stick (like Peter in The Snowy Day) and made tracks with it. She made her snow angels, and just really loved being out there. You'd never guess she was 25lbs with all that gear on.

When it began to snow yesterday, it was exciting! It began fast and furious, and Peanut started talking about going out to play. With the forecasters saying two feet or more of snow, I gently reminded her that if we couldn't play outside we had tons to do inside.

Well, she's 2. You can't just tell her it is too deep. We got all bundled up this morning, and went outside. I carried her down the deck stairs and when I was knee deep in snow (yes - knee deep) I plunked her down. She decided to go back inside and play with daddy and Pumpkin. Good plan. So I trudged around in the snow, cleared off the vents and mechanicals for the house (again - Honey did that a few times last night) and went around to check out the yard. Our crazy dog came along, sticking to my heels like glue in the path I made.

Last night we had begun to notice some of our trees were pretty low to the ground. We also heard some cracks and creaks as the snow continued to pile on and knew we'd lose some trees. One is really close to the house and leans our way. I got a little freaked out before I realized that we were being given an opportunity to landscape differently. I keep saying how I want to expand the garden, and lament where some of the trees are. Here you go - they are not there anymore! Honey went out a few times to scope it out before we turned in for the night trusting that we would wake up house intact. One of the funniest parts of last night was that every time we looked out our front window, our neighbor was out there shoveling - "got to keep ahead of the storm". Yeah. At midnight? We just stayed in our warm house and surveyed the scene.

On my expedition around the yard this morning - it felt like an epic journey - I did break a sweat out there - I found several trees down, some about to go, and our fence crushed in a few spots. We had planned on replacing the fence - now I am so glad it was at the bottom of our list! I'd hate to have trees fall on a brand new fence!

The scariest part of all this, is that these photos are from 8:30am, and it is now 2:30 and STILL SNOWING! I have had visions of going completely stir crazy by Monday if it just keeps coming down. At least Pumpkin is napping now. Peanut is in bed, singing and talking to her babies, and intermittently calling for someone. She's convinced she needs to pee, poop, blow her nose, get a drink, and have a snack rather than sleep.

We've pulled out all the stops today to ensure that we don't go nuts. I'm scheduling our days up with art projects, activities, snack times, and more so Peanut has plenty to do and doesn't become a TV watching zombie who refuses to sleep at night. This morning, we painted in the "museum" as Peanut calls it. We have paper taped to the walls in out downstairs hallway that the kids used for preschool artwork. We've added quite a bit to the masterpiece today. We also had a craft time and decorated our small snowmen, again leftovers from preschool (it worked out great for us, huh?!). Even Honey got into that one. Peanut directed him where he had to put stickers and a hat and all on his snowman. Sadly, I think these are the only snowmen we will be making for a while. The snow was perfect for sculpting, but it is just too deep! Maybe once we can get out on the deck, we can make a real one.

Another busy week in the life

A dull moment - nope we don't really have them. There is always plenty to do and check and try and catch up on and start and finish and redo....

This week, we started preschool with Peanut. A few families from our moms group, the Holistic Moms Network, have created, planned, and finally implemented a small coop preschool. The first few months we'll meet once a week for school with parents rotating as hosts, teachers, and assistants. We wanted an opportunity for our kids to have some structured learning and feed their interests and curiosity. We also think outdoor activity and exploration is really important regardless of the weather! The first month is at our house with me as the teacher, so I am having fun with lesson plans (any teacher I have supervised will know my stance on infant and preschool lesson plans... good to have them, but they never actually go as planned) and the winter theme. We had a great time making pine cone bird feeders, exploring animal tracks outside in the snow, and talking about hot and cold, melting, winter animals, and a myriad of other related ideas. I like to have a starting point and let the kids show their interests so we can get on a tangent.

At snack yesterday, I guess Peanut was thinking about school. She said "look mommy, there's some birds out there eating food! I think they are eating seeds...from a pine cone. We have to check tomorrow." I love to see and hear her putting it all together.

The sleep saga continues with Peanut...we even took her to the doctor (not a really common occurrence in our house) to rule out anything physical. It seems to have made an impression though because Peanut will tell me the doctor said that sleeping is VERY important. We've had some major downs (a four + hour tantrum from 3am on one day) and some major ups (8pm to 4am straight sleep last night!) and have worked and reworked our plan of attack. Now that we are sure it is all behavior, we are feeling better about drawing a line in the sand, and it seems to be working. We have also taken the mailbox idea from Julie. Peanut likes the idea of the mailbox, and liked getting mail this morning even though it was a white post it note that said "No stickers today... try again tomorrow!". She says that when she sleeps through the night her mail will be purple with stickers. OK - I'm in.

My little big man is scaring me a bit - he has decided to take a step towards cruising. He turned 7 months old yesterday. Yeah. A little early I think, but he's all about it. Really, it just goes to show that kids learn to do all the things they need to without the walkers, jumpers, exersaucers, and whatnot. He's never been in any of those and he is speedy fast - so was Peanut.

With my mother's helper, some exercise, a little more sleep, and the ability to wear most of my pre-baby clothes, I am feeling like more of a person this week. Now don't get me wrong - I still have very few unstained items of clothing and makeup eludes me most days so you can see the circles and know how many hours I've slept, but I am on my own list and that feels pretty good.