Whhhaaaaatttt????

We've always been pretty straightforward about bodies and the differences between boys and girls around here.  With all the breastfeeding, watching birth videos, and using the "proper" words for parts, we figured getting to the actual "how a baby is made" part would be fairly simple.  So far, we have fielded questions as they come, answering them briefly without going overboard. 

A few weeks ago, Peanut began to ask about how the baby gets in there.  As we answered her questions we realized that she got all the precursors and was just trying to figure out the missing link.  We had seen this book and thought it was well done, so we just started using it as a bedtime story.  It took a few days, but when we did get to the chapter in question, I just read it through without comment.  Peanut looked a bit surprised, but Pumpkin didn't even blink - I don't think he caught it at all. 

We finished the chapter and as we were getting ready for bed, Peanut said "you have to snuggle with me.  I might have some questions."  Yeah - I figured that sweetie :) and had clearly planned to stay while Honey put Pumpkin to bed. 

So she confirmed what she had heard, and then asked a bunch of questions about having your underwear on or off, and whether daddy and I had done that.  Then - and this from a girl who has always wanted nothing more than to care for babies and have her own - she says "I think I might not have a baby."  We giggled like best buddies as we talked about how crazy baby making sounds, but how when you get older it doesn't sound so weird. 

What is so hard about talking about sex with our kids?  I'm sure there are a million questions and a million hurdles we have yet to jump but there are facts and answers and discussions to be had that will help our kids be more comfortable with their bodies and sexuality than we were.  We should share what we know and be honest with them. 

Feelings

I am an emotional person.  I cry at the drop of a hat - commercials, songs, books, blogs, any kind of ceremony or ritual, I am overwhelmed by emotions (happy and sad) that make me cry.  I have been wondering about this lately.  Why?  Why do I cry?  Why in a room full of people who seemingly feel, am I the only one leaking?  At a child blessing ceremony the other day, I was overcome with tears almost the moment it began.  I feel as if I let myself cry, it will be one of those loud sobbing cries rather than a dignified friendly cry, so I try to hold it all inside.  And therein lies the answer.  Holding it in, makes me more primed to cry as it were.

As I've been thinking on this, I've realized that a huge part of my emotionality has to do with what people are saying.  I'm so blown away by the things people say out loud.  Things about their beliefs and how they want to raise their children, and how they see the spiritual and religious worlds meld with their parenting.  I'd feel so vulnerable if I were saying things like these to a room full of people, and I am in awe of their comfort and freedom in doing so.  I've always felt like a very sensitive person, but can put up a pretty good front so that I look unflappable.  I think these occasions where I hear others saying what I do not, give me an opportunity to come as close to stating my feelings out loud as I ever have. 

It's not that I don't like or honor my feelings.  I love stumbling upon a song whose lyrics speak to me, and let me know that I am really not the only person who has ever felt that way before.  I love reading a passage in a book that beautifully states how something looks or feels.  I love music for musics sake, and can find myself crying with just a hauntingly beautiful melody.  There are prayers and religious songs that touch me as well, even if I don't understand the words, the tune literally strikes a chord.  I've just not ever been comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve so to speak.  For a long time, I was the girl who does what is expected of her, happily or begrudgingly, but not often with an open discussion of why I did or didn't want to do it.  It's been a learning curve to acknowledge and identify that I want or need or feel something other then what I "should", and clearly still a larger leap to be public about it.  Baby steps.  Right now, I'm just trying to unclench my jaw and let whatever comes out come. 

How many words are in a word?

I almost said something... but I kept my thoughts to myself. In the parking lot of a bookstore yesterday (Honey got LOTS of gift cards to his favorite place!) a dad was talking to his kid - maybe 8 years old. "How many words are in Daddy?" The kid answered "one", and the dad impatiently asked why the kid couldn't get this - why he always got this one wrong. "There are no words in a word", he says. "How many words in run?" The kid cowers a bit and says "none?" Now dad is happy - his kid got that right. "How many letters in run?" "Three" with some confidence.


OK, so one, I HATE when people quiz their kids. It's a button of mine. But I really hate it when people are stupid and make their kids feel like idiots. There are lots of words in words! Either by pulling smaller words out (dad from daddy for example) or by rearranging the letters (day, ad, add...). Way to thwart your kids creative thinking dad! And come to think of it - who cares how many words are in a word? What the heck kind of question is that anyway?

I've been thinking a lot about how we shape our kids thoughts lately - how the expectations we have become self fulfilling prophesies, and how our attitudes create preferences and things to strive for in our kids. Of course, gender is a big one - the gifts we give girls vs. boys even before the child's game and toy preferences are recognized. Girls get ironing and kitchen stuff and boys get tool benches and baseball gloves. Peanut was given a baby doll at about a week old. No one has ever thought to give one to Pumpkin.

The way we talk about our surroundings is big too - Oh I'm so cold, this is scary, eww that mud is gross, oh it won't hurt you, it's just a little drizzle, be careful! Kids read our emotions and take them on as their own. When a child falls, if we react too intensely or quickly, their reaction is usually bigger than it might have been. Last summer at the park, Peanut fell and was about to get up and dust herself off. I was 9 months pregnant, so I moved slower than usual as I kept a close eye to see if she was OK. Another mom rushed to her aide, scooped her up and started asking if she was OK. She immediately screamed and cried, not because she was hurt, but because this woman made her feel as though there was something she should be crying about. So I got over there and calmed her down and then had to tell the mom that we don't work that way, and next time leave it to me.

I've discovered recently that kids are told they dislike vegetables. This is incredible to me - the think so many parents complain about - "my child won't eat vegetables!" and we are doing it to ourselves. I've seen commercials, books, children's shows, older kids and other adults say and do things that imply (or just state it outright) vegetables are nasty. In one of our books, it says "when I grow up, no vegetables for me! I'll eat my lunch from a lollipop tree" or some such nonsense. Are you serious? My child, who likes vegetables, is confused by this page in the book. There is a commercial for Chef Boyardee where the mom is panicked at the thought of telling her daughter that there is a full serving (whoo hoo! a whole serving!) of v-e-g-e-t-a-b-l-e-s in her ravioli. Come on, please.

The scariest mind games I think are the prince and princess ones. The prince will sweep the princess off her feet, and they live happily ever after. The prince is always some dashing, worldly guy and the princess is sitting around waiting for him, or better yet, fighting with other girls over him. The amount of sexism in children's books is astonishing. Little Red Riding Hood is saved by the ax man who just happens to be standing by, because she can only scream and not kick the wolf's ass herself. We have an older book where the prince can't find a suitable wife because "something was always wrong with the princesses". How about something being wrong with him? What are we teaching our girls about their role in society?

We do an awful lot of editing when we read here. Most of the ballet books (our latest stash from the library) talk about "doing things perfectly" and making sure you pull your tummy in. For whatever reason, all of the big sister books end in the whole family having ice cream. Lots of books really overemphasize commercial aspects of events like having a baby, the holidays, and going on a trip. Some books just have weird things thrown in that we leave out. Peanut knows her letters, but doesn't yet recognize words. We'll need to get rid of some of the books when she realizes how much I am skipping. Maybe we will just start making up our own books, with infinite possibilities for boys AND girls, and positive portrayals of fruits and vegetables!

A flurry of activity!

Now that things are settling down, we are back at the house with a renewed energy. We are mainly doing little things, but they make a big difference.

My mom and grandmother (Goose) came to visit a few weeks ago and brought several boxes of books that belonged to me as a child. Peanut has taken to some of my old favorites; Bedtime for Francis (we edit a little) and Green Eyes are her new favorites. We decided that the bookshelf in Peanut's room will move into Pumpkin's soon-to-be room and we would get some new shelves to house the new boos for Peanut. We got great unfinished wood shelves and I have been painting them the past two nights. She is so excited about her new shelves! She got to pick out the paint colors (not willy nilly - I did give her three options), and she has been checking them out when she helps with laundry (they are in the utility room right now). She asked about them again before going to sleep tonight.

Today was a run to the Home Depot for ceiling fans. It has finally become clear that the noise from our fans is slowly driving us insane. Beyond that, the light bulbs in the fan are impossible to find, leading me to believe they do not make that size bulb/base any longer and we will soon be completely in the dark. We now have only one working light out of the possible three bulbs in each of the kids rooms. We also got some additional supplies for closet shelving projects. While we have an enormous amount of closet space, it is not well organized. Each child's room has two good sized closets. We are putting a second clothes rod and a few shelves into one of each of the bedroom closets, and the second one will be just the regular rod with storage space below. It should create a lot more space and let the kids get their own clothes when they can reach.

Honey is currently priming the gym walls. We are so pleased to be rid of the scary lavender (I know, you remind me of my lavender kitchen with purple cabinets...it was a different kind of home) and black cabinet boxes. We are opting for a sunny yellow in the gym - here's hoping it spurs us to work out harder!

Our next plans are to replace our beautiful mirror and gold trim circa 1970 closet doors with bi fold doors and to gut and redo the master bath. We have some painting to do in the downstairs bedrooms/office. Oh yeah, we still have not really touched the yard aside from my little veggie garden - lots to do there. It is a work in progress!