Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Zombie
There are moments as a parent when you are in a weird kind of twilight zone. You are acting and speaking, and at the same time, listening to yourself with disbelief at the things that are currently coming out of your mouth and at the actions happening, but seemingly unable to stop the train. Recently, I was having a whole inner dialogue with myself (mostly consisting of "really? you really just said that? seriously?") as I was getting more and more amped up about something the kids were doing. As I extricated myself not so gracefully from the situation, I thought of this post with a much more eloquent inner dialogue than mine that reminded me that my job is to teach rather than to expect. We are all doing our best and there is no need to be perfect. We can always start again.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Lessons
Sitting outside today at playgroup with some moms from HMN, one commented that sometimes the hardest part is just to get out of their way. The kids, she meant. Once they started rolling with their imagination and creativity, there was a house and family on top of the playground collecting sticks, mulch, ice, and who knows what else for their dinner. A lot of cake making was happening inthe sandbox. Pushing, pulling, riding, digging, collecting, feeling, talking, directing, negotiating, assisting, all led by them. I watched in wonder as my lately quiet and shy girl set out the scene and directed the players. I loved my little one working hard to follow the rules laid out for him a nd trying to pull his weight. Parenting well seems like less work. It's allowing them to work it all out and deal with the messiness that is scary I think, so we get too involved and take too much responsibility for what is not our to take. A lesson that gets repeated whenever we need it so it seems. 
Monday, October 17, 2011
Why not make it better?
Somehow, we adults have decided that just because we had to deal with something as a child, it's OK for our children to deal with it too. It's even expected, a rite of passage, or just the way things are. So often it's "Yeah well, I had to (fill in the blank) and I turned out fine!". Lots of people say this about spanking, which I won't go into here - there are plenty of other places to read that spanking does nothing to increase your child's ability to learn anything about right and wrong. What I am surprised about is all the other stuff we think is fine for them to deal with - "my parents did that to/with me" or we figure "we were just like that" when we were younger. Or "please, there are worse things!" - of course there are always worse things! That doesn't mean we should just carry on with the OK stuff.
Actually, I think we just don't think about it. There are things that just *are* and we have just been so busy, tired, distracted, clueless, that we aren't paying attention to how silly or harmful these things can be. And don't get me wrong - there are some personality, developmental, and just plain "there" traits that make up each person. It would be sad if we were all the same, and of course, everyone should be who they are. But sometimes, the things that come most naturally to us are things that impede our relationships. Sometimes the things that are easier are not doing us any favors.
I can be a perfectionist, passive aggressive, judgemental, sarcastic, and snippy. I like to have things my way, and I like to be in control. I'm not a bad person, but there are certainly some things I'd prefer to do differently, and I know that "letting it all hang out" is not going to win me any favors. I know that as I have grown, and realized how my actions impact other people, I have been able to manage some of these traits better, and find that I am more satisfied with life in general when I do what is harder for me rather than go with my first impulse. Why wouldn't I help my kids to do the same? Why would I want them to be controlling just because "oh, that's just like me!"?
I'm not saying our kids shouldn't have to manage and negotiate their way through life and we should pave the way completely for them. I just think we have an amazing and unique opportunity here. Based on what we know about ourselves and what we remember from our past, we can help them deal with the world in a different way. We can help our kids be better at conflict negotiation that we are. We can show them that what they say and do is important to us, and that they have interesting ideas to share.
Why is this so hard? I think it is because it forces us to take a good hard look at our own actions, faults and shortcomings. It makes you dissect your past a bit. Instead of just feeling crappy about our own stuff, helping your kids through things forces you to face your issues head on and deal with them. You have to be reflective, and honest, and open, and vulnerable. You need to identify what works and what is not working in a non-judgemental way, both for yourself and your child. Maybe you even need to share with your kids how you screwed something up and how you could have done it differently. No one is perfect, and we needn't expect our children to be, nor should we be stressed about our own imperfections.
So think about your childhood and the things you wished had been different. Think of the big things and the little ones. How would you change them? What could someone have done for you to make it better, easier, more fun, less scary? Are there times or people you can remember who did make an impact in a positive way? What did they do that was special or life changing? What can you take away from those experiences? What can you do for your children to make it better?
Do one thing today. Why wouldn't you?
Actually, I think we just don't think about it. There are things that just *are* and we have just been so busy, tired, distracted, clueless, that we aren't paying attention to how silly or harmful these things can be. And don't get me wrong - there are some personality, developmental, and just plain "there" traits that make up each person. It would be sad if we were all the same, and of course, everyone should be who they are. But sometimes, the things that come most naturally to us are things that impede our relationships. Sometimes the things that are easier are not doing us any favors.
I can be a perfectionist, passive aggressive, judgemental, sarcastic, and snippy. I like to have things my way, and I like to be in control. I'm not a bad person, but there are certainly some things I'd prefer to do differently, and I know that "letting it all hang out" is not going to win me any favors. I know that as I have grown, and realized how my actions impact other people, I have been able to manage some of these traits better, and find that I am more satisfied with life in general when I do what is harder for me rather than go with my first impulse. Why wouldn't I help my kids to do the same? Why would I want them to be controlling just because "oh, that's just like me!"?
I'm not saying our kids shouldn't have to manage and negotiate their way through life and we should pave the way completely for them. I just think we have an amazing and unique opportunity here. Based on what we know about ourselves and what we remember from our past, we can help them deal with the world in a different way. We can help our kids be better at conflict negotiation that we are. We can show them that what they say and do is important to us, and that they have interesting ideas to share.
Why is this so hard? I think it is because it forces us to take a good hard look at our own actions, faults and shortcomings. It makes you dissect your past a bit. Instead of just feeling crappy about our own stuff, helping your kids through things forces you to face your issues head on and deal with them. You have to be reflective, and honest, and open, and vulnerable. You need to identify what works and what is not working in a non-judgemental way, both for yourself and your child. Maybe you even need to share with your kids how you screwed something up and how you could have done it differently. No one is perfect, and we needn't expect our children to be, nor should we be stressed about our own imperfections.
So think about your childhood and the things you wished had been different. Think of the big things and the little ones. How would you change them? What could someone have done for you to make it better, easier, more fun, less scary? Are there times or people you can remember who did make an impact in a positive way? What did they do that was special or life changing? What can you take away from those experiences? What can you do for your children to make it better?
Do one thing today. Why wouldn't you?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Techie
Somehow, I get this random parenting magazine every month. It started showing up when Peanut was born, probably tied to a purchase or maybe even the birth record. I called and cancelled it once long ago, and it stopped coming for a while, but now it is back like a fungus. Every now and then there is an envelope with a big screaming ad that this COULD BE MY LAST ISSUE!!!!!! I never believe it, so I don't send a check. Anyway, it's apparently here to stay, so I read it.
I'm always really put off or surprised by at least one of the articles, and the advertising, product placement, and just plain nonsense is amazing. This most recent issue has a whole article about when kids *should* do what kind of technology. So I'm reading along and they have it broken down by age - I'm feeling good at the mention that after 9 months most if not all of your kids toys should not require batteries. But of course, the highlight at the bottom basically encourages the opposite. Then 1-2 years they recommend tinkering with iPhone apps, as well as watching educational TV. They do add the caveat that the AAP has recommended no screen time for TV until after age 2, but hey, whatever. By 2-3 years, the article says kids should be using shape sorter apps on the iPhone and electronic toys that teach letters and numbers, 3-4 years basically using your devices as their own, and 4-5 years using the Internet and playing video games.
I did a serious double take on this one. My 4 year old should be well versed in application on an iPhone and be able to access the Internet herself to play video games? For real? Why the hell would I want her to do that? I have no question that at some point she will want and need to know how to use technology. I also have no question that she can easily learn anything. I didn't have a computer until junior high, and that one was at school. No email for me until far beyond college. (Yes, I am old) I have been fully capable of dealing with and using technology, and if I wanted to I could expand my horizons with a bit of effort.
My kids love to learn about real things in a real world with real interactions and real experiences. I like it that way, they like it that way. The technology world can add to that for sure, but there is no chance they are getting their own iPhone anytime soon. They have plenty of time to get addicted to the net.
I'm always really put off or surprised by at least one of the articles, and the advertising, product placement, and just plain nonsense is amazing. This most recent issue has a whole article about when kids *should* do what kind of technology. So I'm reading along and they have it broken down by age - I'm feeling good at the mention that after 9 months most if not all of your kids toys should not require batteries. But of course, the highlight at the bottom basically encourages the opposite. Then 1-2 years they recommend tinkering with iPhone apps, as well as watching educational TV. They do add the caveat that the AAP has recommended no screen time for TV until after age 2, but hey, whatever. By 2-3 years, the article says kids should be using shape sorter apps on the iPhone and electronic toys that teach letters and numbers, 3-4 years basically using your devices as their own, and 4-5 years using the Internet and playing video games.
I did a serious double take on this one. My 4 year old should be well versed in application on an iPhone and be able to access the Internet herself to play video games? For real? Why the hell would I want her to do that? I have no question that at some point she will want and need to know how to use technology. I also have no question that she can easily learn anything. I didn't have a computer until junior high, and that one was at school. No email for me until far beyond college. (Yes, I am old) I have been fully capable of dealing with and using technology, and if I wanted to I could expand my horizons with a bit of effort.
My kids love to learn about real things in a real world with real interactions and real experiences. I like it that way, they like it that way. The technology world can add to that for sure, but there is no chance they are getting their own iPhone anytime soon. They have plenty of time to get addicted to the net.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
History
I've heard from many people that 4 is the age when there is lots of curiosity and discussion about death. We have found that to be so true here - like a switch was flipped on the topic on her 4th birthday. It has been interesting because you never know when you will suddenly be in "that discussion".
Today was one of those days, and coincidentally, I had been thinking about how some of our family history might be shared earlier in the day. On the radio, there was an interview with one of the actresses who played a part in the series "roots". She was talking about how powerful it was to share the family stories with one another and pass them down through the ages, whether good or bad, happy or sad, and regardless of how disturbing they might be.
On the way home from school, the kids began to ask about my dad.
Who is your daddy?
His name is James.
Where is he?
He is not alive anymore, he died.
Why did he die?
Well.
He was really sick.
How sick was he? Was he really really really really sick?
He was so sick he did not want to live anymore.
And then it was quiet.
I said, "Everyone worries that their moms and dads will die." and Peanut said "I worry about that sometimes." So we talked a bit about how we both (mom and dad) want to be alive and are healthy and will be here as long as we can be.
And then the conversation moved on to other things like what Pumpkin ate for lunch.
Honey and I know that we have history to share, and while sometimes it may be worrisome or scary, it is important to us to be honest and tell our stories to our children as fully as we can. We also try hard to talk at the right level for their ages, so I know this will be a cyclical thing as their understanding increases. Honey has already had this discussion with Peanut before, and each time a new layer unfolds. It seems to be therapeutic for me in a way, sharing small bits of information, thinking about how best to clearly answer before I blurt my initial thoughts out. Their curiosity helps me sort out my own self. Parenting takes you places you didn't realize were out there, doesn't it?
Today was one of those days, and coincidentally, I had been thinking about how some of our family history might be shared earlier in the day. On the radio, there was an interview with one of the actresses who played a part in the series "roots". She was talking about how powerful it was to share the family stories with one another and pass them down through the ages, whether good or bad, happy or sad, and regardless of how disturbing they might be.
On the way home from school, the kids began to ask about my dad.
Who is your daddy?
His name is James.
Where is he?
He is not alive anymore, he died.
Why did he die?
Well.
He was really sick.
How sick was he? Was he really really really really sick?
He was so sick he did not want to live anymore.
And then it was quiet.
I said, "Everyone worries that their moms and dads will die." and Peanut said "I worry about that sometimes." So we talked a bit about how we both (mom and dad) want to be alive and are healthy and will be here as long as we can be.
And then the conversation moved on to other things like what Pumpkin ate for lunch.
Honey and I know that we have history to share, and while sometimes it may be worrisome or scary, it is important to us to be honest and tell our stories to our children as fully as we can. We also try hard to talk at the right level for their ages, so I know this will be a cyclical thing as their understanding increases. Honey has already had this discussion with Peanut before, and each time a new layer unfolds. It seems to be therapeutic for me in a way, sharing small bits of information, thinking about how best to clearly answer before I blurt my initial thoughts out. Their curiosity helps me sort out my own self. Parenting takes you places you didn't realize were out there, doesn't it?
Working Mama
One of the really suprising things with this new transition back into the world of work is how much fun I am having. I really love my job. I truly enjoy figuring out each family and child. It's a little like a puzzle. What works best, what does everyone really need, how will this child learn best, how can we help them, and how can we clarify what we are doing? It's refreshing to focus on one child and one family in an objective and constructive way for an hour. And then shift gears to the next family for an hour. I get the chance to solve problems and bring up issues, and reflect with people all day. And of course, I get to play with babies! And, I'll pat myself on the back and say that I'm good at what I do. I feel competent at work, so on days when I feel like I am clueless at home, I can be good at something in the world and feel better about it all.
The bonus of all of this problem solving, reflecting, planning, and creativitiy is that I can relax at home and just have fun. Of course, I also drive around the county all day, so I have a chance to just listen to the radio or stop and log into the free wifi at the coffee shop too. So all my needs get met during the day and I recharge my engine. Filling my cup makes it possible for me to be a better parent. By the time I pick up ther kids in the afternoon, I am just ready to hear all about their day and do whatever they want to do since I've had all day "to myself". It's so funny how that works - that having fufilling work makes the rest of the week better and easier. So often, we assume work will be awful and boring, and for some people it really is. I wish everyone was able to do what they love all day long. I am so lucky really.
The bonus of all of this problem solving, reflecting, planning, and creativitiy is that I can relax at home and just have fun. Of course, I also drive around the county all day, so I have a chance to just listen to the radio or stop and log into the free wifi at the coffee shop too. So all my needs get met during the day and I recharge my engine. Filling my cup makes it possible for me to be a better parent. By the time I pick up ther kids in the afternoon, I am just ready to hear all about their day and do whatever they want to do since I've had all day "to myself". It's so funny how that works - that having fufilling work makes the rest of the week better and easier. So often, we assume work will be awful and boring, and for some people it really is. I wish everyone was able to do what they love all day long. I am so lucky really.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Another chapter
Honey has been doing his masters degree at night, and I have filled up my evenings with lots of tasks in order to keep myself busy and not constantly bother him. Well, he is finally done with school, and I haven't yet wrapped my head around the fact that I will have a husband once again! I am so used to my routine, that I am not even sure how it should change or what I can let go in order to create more "us" time. I do some work at night that I could move to a bit earlier, and of course the time spent on random computer tasks can be cut pretty easily. Some other stuff needs to be thought through - food prep can maybe be done during the day with the kids... But clearly, I will need to streamline my evening to take advantage. It seems a bit crazy that I'm even thinking about this, but really, I'm worried we will continue to sit back to back at our computers and I'll not want to bother him since he's "working".
To help make the transition, we are taking a whole week for just our family. We'll be doing some day trips and touristy things around the area - things that we have been talking about for a long time and never gotten to do. It should be great fun and very exciting, but since we have never really done this, I'm a little apprehensive about all of this togetherness. It's too early in our children's lives to have gotten so wrapped up in their stuff that we completely forget about ours - like empty nesters who no longer have anything to talk about when their kids move out. On the other hand, we have had a project of some sort (together or individually) for most of our marriage, and this will be the first time that we are project free and are just living. I wonder if we will get back to those deep conversations like those late nights early in our relationship. I think I'd like that.
So this week, we have crazy plans - all kinds of dinosaur related outings, zoos, hiking, butterflies... we are trying to cram it all in, have fun doing it, and continue our potty learning journey (day 5 I think of underpants!) with Pumpkin all at the same time. We even have a night out just for us planned mid week. I think we are asking for a lot, but as long as we can all relax and remember that this is a vacation and if we just don't make it to all of the planned stops, it's totally OK. We've already decided that if we miss some stuff we really want to do, that we will actually plan it for another time. I think it just seems like we have to get everything done in this week since we never have had any other time to do these kinds of touristy stuff. I need to remember that we will not have the issue of Honey having to get home and write a paper or whatever. It seems crazy to be stressed about all of this - OK, it doesn't seem crazy - it actually is crazy. I'm going to go lie down and breathe and relax about our vacation!
To help make the transition, we are taking a whole week for just our family. We'll be doing some day trips and touristy things around the area - things that we have been talking about for a long time and never gotten to do. It should be great fun and very exciting, but since we have never really done this, I'm a little apprehensive about all of this togetherness. It's too early in our children's lives to have gotten so wrapped up in their stuff that we completely forget about ours - like empty nesters who no longer have anything to talk about when their kids move out. On the other hand, we have had a project of some sort (together or individually) for most of our marriage, and this will be the first time that we are project free and are just living. I wonder if we will get back to those deep conversations like those late nights early in our relationship. I think I'd like that.
So this week, we have crazy plans - all kinds of dinosaur related outings, zoos, hiking, butterflies... we are trying to cram it all in, have fun doing it, and continue our potty learning journey (day 5 I think of underpants!) with Pumpkin all at the same time. We even have a night out just for us planned mid week. I think we are asking for a lot, but as long as we can all relax and remember that this is a vacation and if we just don't make it to all of the planned stops, it's totally OK. We've already decided that if we miss some stuff we really want to do, that we will actually plan it for another time. I think it just seems like we have to get everything done in this week since we never have had any other time to do these kinds of touristy stuff. I need to remember that we will not have the issue of Honey having to get home and write a paper or whatever. It seems crazy to be stressed about all of this - OK, it doesn't seem crazy - it actually is crazy. I'm going to go lie down and breathe and relax about our vacation!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A little polish
I was always that annoying person who would say things like "if you are not enjoying yourself, then you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you are doing" and "just smile and you will feel better". I used to just do all kinds of things because they made me happy - lots of art, outdoorsy stuff, reading, learning new things... I was always seeing how people who took themselves too seriously get into a mess of trouble and stress. I do have a tendency to be over analytical and serious, and clearly being a parent has pushed me over the edge. I've gotten so focused on parenting that I've all but given up on my own interests, and lots of things are just a chore for me or have just gone completely by the wayside. I haven't been hiking in forever, can't remember the last time I went to hear live music, I have no clue what is going on in the ice hockey world, and haven't picked up more than a magic marker for art in some time. I do still garden, and while I used to love home improvement projects, I got a little burned out on those.
I realized the other day how dire the situation actually is. Peanut came up to sit on my lap while I was reading this blog post which had me hysterically laughing. She watched my face carefully, and started to smile too. Then she kept asking me to go back to the picture of the big chicken and laugh. Later that day, and then again the next day, she brought up that "funny metal chicken" and wanted me to laugh again. I realized then, that she was trying to get me to laugh that hard again because it is such a rare occurrence lately. Really really sad.
Yesterday, I felt like I just wanted to rebel. I'm 40, but I had this huge urge to go out and get a new piercing of some sort, dye my hair magenta, and just do all the things that this "good girl" never did. So it's clearly time to put the fun back into all of it and stop being so serious. Last night I actually went out for drinks with some girlfriends, which is priceless. Just being able to sit and relax and talk about anything without being concerned about little ears is a magical thing. This morning the kids and I painted our nails - they got the nontoxic calmer colors and I broke out my old greens and blues. It was amazing how much a little blue polish and some New Order (yep - it was a cassette tape!) playing in the car can do to make me smile. After a morning of splashing with the kiddos at our friends pool, and now with two kids napping soundly, things are looking up.
I realized the other day how dire the situation actually is. Peanut came up to sit on my lap while I was reading this blog post which had me hysterically laughing. She watched my face carefully, and started to smile too. Then she kept asking me to go back to the picture of the big chicken and laugh. Later that day, and then again the next day, she brought up that "funny metal chicken" and wanted me to laugh again. I realized then, that she was trying to get me to laugh that hard again because it is such a rare occurrence lately. Really really sad.
Yesterday, I felt like I just wanted to rebel. I'm 40, but I had this huge urge to go out and get a new piercing of some sort, dye my hair magenta, and just do all the things that this "good girl" never did. So it's clearly time to put the fun back into all of it and stop being so serious. Last night I actually went out for drinks with some girlfriends, which is priceless. Just being able to sit and relax and talk about anything without being concerned about little ears is a magical thing. This morning the kids and I painted our nails - they got the nontoxic calmer colors and I broke out my old greens and blues. It was amazing how much a little blue polish and some New Order (yep - it was a cassette tape!) playing in the car can do to make me smile. After a morning of splashing with the kiddos at our friends pool, and now with two kids napping soundly, things are looking up.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda
Having a second kid hit me pretty hard. With the first, I was ready and excited, I knew how to be with babies, I knew what I was in for. I went back to work part time, found a great daycare situation, took pretty good care of myself, and gave Peanut 100% of my attention when we were together. I can't say that life with one child was always all rosy, but it was pretty darn close.
I'm sure people tell you how hard the transition to two will be, but I am not sure they are clear enough or that I was willing to listen to them. I had no idea the level of guilt having a second child would cause. Am I giving each one what they need? (no) Am I giving myself what I need? (no) Am I giving my marriage what it needs? (no). I understood that I would and could spread my love and attentions around, but I don't think I realized that there are useful ways to do that and really detrimental ways as well. I know I had no idea about the depths of sleep deprivation and the resulting complete lack of patience, empathy, or caring about the attention getting antics of a 2-3 year old.
I'm feeling like I am out of the very dark woods now, and have learned some lessons to share. I've spoken with some moms lately about the birth of their second child and how they have been evolving, and I've thought a lot about the things I would have done differently.
- Keep daycare. I would have continued once a week with our daycare provider for several reasons. It would have kept Peanut with a familiar adult who doted on her and would provide her with some of the one on one attention she was not getting from me. I think Peanut feels sometimes like she lost something big when Pumpkin was born since she stopped going to daycare. It would have also forced me to focus solely on the baby for a while and not feel guilty about it.
- Have someone care for the kids with me, rather than taking one or the other for a while. I feel like something I needed was someone to remind me how great my kids are when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I would have loved to have someone show me or comment on them in order to help me focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I'm sure people did that, but I feel like it needed to be less subtle.
- Scheduled time to be with my older child every week. I feel like when i did have someone help, it was always to take care of Peanut so I could deal with Pumpkin. I think having someone take the baby so i could spend time with the toddler should have happened earlier than it did. As it was, I think we were trying to repair bridges by the time I had "mommy daughter days".
- Nap. I have never been a napper, but I think i should have made a conscious effort to nap when I could. Now, I don't know how realistic that would have been as naps for both kids were spotty and uncoordinated, but I do think I could have tried family naps or some other way to get some more rest and become less insane.
- Continued to seek help. I had a therapists for a bit last year, but when she sounded like a broken record saying I just needed more sleep I kind of gave up since that wasn't happening any time soon. I wish I had continued on and found someone else to work with and work through some issues.
- Got more exercise. I really needed to start taking care of myself better a long time ago. It's still not happening consistently and Pumpkin is almost a year and half. I have fallen way down my own list, and that is bad for lots of reasons. I'm way more patient when I eat well and get a workout in. I sleep better, yell less, lament my wrinkles less, enjoy my children more, and do much better at rolling with the punches if I've exercised.
- Listen to more music. This could be a whole post in and of itself, but the technological change in how music is listened to has not been easy for me. Finding and making sure the Zune is charged, finding the speakers, flipping through to find the album I want...it's more than popping a CD in the stereo. Music makes me feel - good, bad, sad, happy - and it helps me release lots of emotions. I feel like I haven't nearly done enough listening and singing to get my feelings out and off my chest.
I know there's more that I'd have done in a different way if I could, but I'm here now and it's been done, so the best I can do is pass my advice along. As hard as this road has been, I wouldn't change it for the world. Those two babies sleeping upstairs are everything to me. When I think of the things I have said and done because of my exhaustion, impatience, or whatever, I just want to cry. They, like all children, should always feel and know love. If you are a mom of two (or more) and finding it hard to be loving, know that it happens to all of us. You are not alone - it's just hard to talk about so you feel like you are the only one. Your kids are great and they are what matters. Everything else is just stuff and it will all be there when you are done listening to, talking with, holding, loving your child.
I'm sure people tell you how hard the transition to two will be, but I am not sure they are clear enough or that I was willing to listen to them. I had no idea the level of guilt having a second child would cause. Am I giving each one what they need? (no) Am I giving myself what I need? (no) Am I giving my marriage what it needs? (no). I understood that I would and could spread my love and attentions around, but I don't think I realized that there are useful ways to do that and really detrimental ways as well. I know I had no idea about the depths of sleep deprivation and the resulting complete lack of patience, empathy, or caring about the attention getting antics of a 2-3 year old.
I'm feeling like I am out of the very dark woods now, and have learned some lessons to share. I've spoken with some moms lately about the birth of their second child and how they have been evolving, and I've thought a lot about the things I would have done differently.
- Keep daycare. I would have continued once a week with our daycare provider for several reasons. It would have kept Peanut with a familiar adult who doted on her and would provide her with some of the one on one attention she was not getting from me. I think Peanut feels sometimes like she lost something big when Pumpkin was born since she stopped going to daycare. It would have also forced me to focus solely on the baby for a while and not feel guilty about it.
- Have someone care for the kids with me, rather than taking one or the other for a while. I feel like something I needed was someone to remind me how great my kids are when I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I would have loved to have someone show me or comment on them in order to help me focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I'm sure people did that, but I feel like it needed to be less subtle.
- Scheduled time to be with my older child every week. I feel like when i did have someone help, it was always to take care of Peanut so I could deal with Pumpkin. I think having someone take the baby so i could spend time with the toddler should have happened earlier than it did. As it was, I think we were trying to repair bridges by the time I had "mommy daughter days".
- Nap. I have never been a napper, but I think i should have made a conscious effort to nap when I could. Now, I don't know how realistic that would have been as naps for both kids were spotty and uncoordinated, but I do think I could have tried family naps or some other way to get some more rest and become less insane.
- Continued to seek help. I had a therapists for a bit last year, but when she sounded like a broken record saying I just needed more sleep I kind of gave up since that wasn't happening any time soon. I wish I had continued on and found someone else to work with and work through some issues.
- Got more exercise. I really needed to start taking care of myself better a long time ago. It's still not happening consistently and Pumpkin is almost a year and half. I have fallen way down my own list, and that is bad for lots of reasons. I'm way more patient when I eat well and get a workout in. I sleep better, yell less, lament my wrinkles less, enjoy my children more, and do much better at rolling with the punches if I've exercised.
- Listen to more music. This could be a whole post in and of itself, but the technological change in how music is listened to has not been easy for me. Finding and making sure the Zune is charged, finding the speakers, flipping through to find the album I want...it's more than popping a CD in the stereo. Music makes me feel - good, bad, sad, happy - and it helps me release lots of emotions. I feel like I haven't nearly done enough listening and singing to get my feelings out and off my chest.
I know there's more that I'd have done in a different way if I could, but I'm here now and it's been done, so the best I can do is pass my advice along. As hard as this road has been, I wouldn't change it for the world. Those two babies sleeping upstairs are everything to me. When I think of the things I have said and done because of my exhaustion, impatience, or whatever, I just want to cry. They, like all children, should always feel and know love. If you are a mom of two (or more) and finding it hard to be loving, know that it happens to all of us. You are not alone - it's just hard to talk about so you feel like you are the only one. Your kids are great and they are what matters. Everything else is just stuff and it will all be there when you are done listening to, talking with, holding, loving your child.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My turn to talk
If you know me, you know that I like to talk. I think one of the most difficult transitions for new moms or for moms who move from working to staying at home is the decrease in adult interactions. I have been lucky enough to have a slow transition period - I worked part time from the time Peanut was 4 months old until Pumpkin was born, and had a slow taper in my hours at the end of my pregnancy. I've also been able to make amazing friendships through the Holistic Moms Network, that keep me talking and thinking and learning all the time.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk about my passions. Although I am a holistic, green, natural parenting mama, I don't like to push my views on others - if you ask, I'll tell you. If you seem interested, I'll venture there, but the minute there is an inkling of discomfort or resistance, I'll back off. It is a lot of time and energy trying to read people and be PC about so many topics, so when I get the chance to talk, it feels great! That's why my mom's group is so wonderful - I don't spend all that energy trying to be gentle with my views. I can put them out there and people can agree or disagree without hurting or being hurt.
So while the kids were napping (hmmm, one was just "resting") I was interviewed by a columnist for Northern Virginia Magazine. She asked some really interesting questions that made me think about things more deeply than I had in a while. Not only did I have the opportunity to be passionate, no holds barred, but I have been thinking about her questions and having the most interesting dialogue with myself!
We talked about the things that are most important to attain and maintain health as a mom. Of course, if you don't take care of your own mind, body and spirit, how will you have the energy to care for your partner and children? Immediately, I thought of our difficult transition to a family of four, and the change in my attitude being the deciding factor in my own mental health. Once I let things go a little, prioritized and centered myself, the juggling became easier, the guilt lifted, and I was genuinely happy to be home with my kids. Long ago, I would have thought daily exercise, time for myself, meditation, eating well were at the top of the list. That's all definitely still on the list, but the mindset is tops. I may not have the neatest, cleanest house, and I may be wearing the same jeans as yesterday but we are all happy and healthy and having a good time together.
How do I get my information on the cutting edge "green" or "holistic" issues? I pondered that one too. There are some go to spots for news, but more often than not, another parent has been focusing on one aspect of health or parenting or environment, or something and they share what they have found with the group. Then I can go to the links they have posted or websites they site and read and determine for myself what I think or how I interpret the information. Sometimes, one parent will bring something up and another will refute it with other research. It is always interesting, and always new. To me, it just is. I'm honestly surprised when what I know is not common knowledge. I had a whole conversation at Peanut's dance class the other day about lead in artificial Christmas trees and lights and was surprised that this was news to most of the moms there. I think I had learned of this last year or the year before. I just know these things because that's the news I follow. If you are interested in baseball (like Honey) you know the stats, who's injured, what each teams chances are of getting to the world series...you just know. There is filter that jolts your brain when something of importance is on the radio or in the paper. I can be listening to NPR and barely paying attention and Kojo will bring up an environmental study as an example and I'm zeroed in.
I was asked about policy. Gosh, I haven't thought about policy in a long time! In another life, it was all I thought about, but now the day to day is what I'm after. How interesting to consider though what policy should be in order to push the natural or "slow parenting" agenda forward. Again, my personal life took center stage - policies that acknowledge the tremendous importance of parenting and allow families to parent as they see fit, rather than force them to stay home or go back to work based on finances, transportation, day care options, etc. Families should be able to parent in the best way that works for their family and children and be supported in that endeavor. Birth options of course are high on the list too. The idea that we should regulate where and with whom someone gives birth is ludicrous. Birth policy should allow that birth is a natural process that can be peaceful, powerful, intense, and calm all at once. We should not have policies that continue to reinforce the idea that birth is a painful medical procedure. Now that I think about it, some of the regulations on toy production, food labeling, farming, and marketing of pharmaceuticals are probably high on my list of policy issues as well.
One of the most interesting questions was "what do [I] get out of volunteering as a chapter leader for the Holistic Moms Network?" When it began, I was seeking out like minded people with kids that could have a play date with us and not roll their eyes. Remember - we started when it was weird, not cool to be "green". All the moms groups I tried when Peanut was born might as well have met at McDonald's. The talk centered around foreign made plastic toys with batteries that thwart imaginative play, getting on the preschool list by 6 months of age, and the wonderful "deal" on sweatshop produced Walmart clothes that week (it's no deal - we pay for it somewhere). I didn't think I was asking for much - just a few mom's who questioned conventional wisdom. I have come to realize that this community is so much more than that. The information we share, experiences we can relate to, challenges we bring to each others thinking, and support in our varied choices are irreplaceable. For every questioned asked there are several answers. My involvement in this group helps clarify my own path, and validate my life and parenting choices. It feeds a need for me too in that it allows me to be a part of a larger community, to feel like I fit in somewhere in the world, that I have a role to play here. I enjoy the work I do to coordinate the community, and like being able to use my work world skills in my mom world. I feel like all of my degrees and training are being used for a good cause.
I sure hope the column turns out well, but either way, my thoughts have been stirred up by the experience. How enjoyable to think about the day to day in a new way. Thanks for sparking my brain a bit Renee!
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk about my passions. Although I am a holistic, green, natural parenting mama, I don't like to push my views on others - if you ask, I'll tell you. If you seem interested, I'll venture there, but the minute there is an inkling of discomfort or resistance, I'll back off. It is a lot of time and energy trying to read people and be PC about so many topics, so when I get the chance to talk, it feels great! That's why my mom's group is so wonderful - I don't spend all that energy trying to be gentle with my views. I can put them out there and people can agree or disagree without hurting or being hurt.
So while the kids were napping (hmmm, one was just "resting") I was interviewed by a columnist for Northern Virginia Magazine. She asked some really interesting questions that made me think about things more deeply than I had in a while. Not only did I have the opportunity to be passionate, no holds barred, but I have been thinking about her questions and having the most interesting dialogue with myself!
We talked about the things that are most important to attain and maintain health as a mom. Of course, if you don't take care of your own mind, body and spirit, how will you have the energy to care for your partner and children? Immediately, I thought of our difficult transition to a family of four, and the change in my attitude being the deciding factor in my own mental health. Once I let things go a little, prioritized and centered myself, the juggling became easier, the guilt lifted, and I was genuinely happy to be home with my kids. Long ago, I would have thought daily exercise, time for myself, meditation, eating well were at the top of the list. That's all definitely still on the list, but the mindset is tops. I may not have the neatest, cleanest house, and I may be wearing the same jeans as yesterday but we are all happy and healthy and having a good time together.
How do I get my information on the cutting edge "green" or "holistic" issues? I pondered that one too. There are some go to spots for news, but more often than not, another parent has been focusing on one aspect of health or parenting or environment, or something and they share what they have found with the group. Then I can go to the links they have posted or websites they site and read and determine for myself what I think or how I interpret the information. Sometimes, one parent will bring something up and another will refute it with other research. It is always interesting, and always new. To me, it just is. I'm honestly surprised when what I know is not common knowledge. I had a whole conversation at Peanut's dance class the other day about lead in artificial Christmas trees and lights and was surprised that this was news to most of the moms there. I think I had learned of this last year or the year before. I just know these things because that's the news I follow. If you are interested in baseball (like Honey) you know the stats, who's injured, what each teams chances are of getting to the world series...you just know. There is filter that jolts your brain when something of importance is on the radio or in the paper. I can be listening to NPR and barely paying attention and Kojo will bring up an environmental study as an example and I'm zeroed in.
I was asked about policy. Gosh, I haven't thought about policy in a long time! In another life, it was all I thought about, but now the day to day is what I'm after. How interesting to consider though what policy should be in order to push the natural or "slow parenting" agenda forward. Again, my personal life took center stage - policies that acknowledge the tremendous importance of parenting and allow families to parent as they see fit, rather than force them to stay home or go back to work based on finances, transportation, day care options, etc. Families should be able to parent in the best way that works for their family and children and be supported in that endeavor. Birth options of course are high on the list too. The idea that we should regulate where and with whom someone gives birth is ludicrous. Birth policy should allow that birth is a natural process that can be peaceful, powerful, intense, and calm all at once. We should not have policies that continue to reinforce the idea that birth is a painful medical procedure. Now that I think about it, some of the regulations on toy production, food labeling, farming, and marketing of pharmaceuticals are probably high on my list of policy issues as well.
One of the most interesting questions was "what do [I] get out of volunteering as a chapter leader for the Holistic Moms Network?" When it began, I was seeking out like minded people with kids that could have a play date with us and not roll their eyes. Remember - we started when it was weird, not cool to be "green". All the moms groups I tried when Peanut was born might as well have met at McDonald's. The talk centered around foreign made plastic toys with batteries that thwart imaginative play, getting on the preschool list by 6 months of age, and the wonderful "deal" on sweatshop produced Walmart clothes that week (it's no deal - we pay for it somewhere). I didn't think I was asking for much - just a few mom's who questioned conventional wisdom. I have come to realize that this community is so much more than that. The information we share, experiences we can relate to, challenges we bring to each others thinking, and support in our varied choices are irreplaceable. For every questioned asked there are several answers. My involvement in this group helps clarify my own path, and validate my life and parenting choices. It feeds a need for me too in that it allows me to be a part of a larger community, to feel like I fit in somewhere in the world, that I have a role to play here. I enjoy the work I do to coordinate the community, and like being able to use my work world skills in my mom world. I feel like all of my degrees and training are being used for a good cause.
I sure hope the column turns out well, but either way, my thoughts have been stirred up by the experience. How enjoyable to think about the day to day in a new way. Thanks for sparking my brain a bit Renee!
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