Feelings

I am an emotional person.  I cry at the drop of a hat - commercials, songs, books, blogs, any kind of ceremony or ritual, I am overwhelmed by emotions (happy and sad) that make me cry.  I have been wondering about this lately.  Why?  Why do I cry?  Why in a room full of people who seemingly feel, am I the only one leaking?  At a child blessing ceremony the other day, I was overcome with tears almost the moment it began.  I feel as if I let myself cry, it will be one of those loud sobbing cries rather than a dignified friendly cry, so I try to hold it all inside.  And therein lies the answer.  Holding it in, makes me more primed to cry as it were.

As I've been thinking on this, I've realized that a huge part of my emotionality has to do with what people are saying.  I'm so blown away by the things people say out loud.  Things about their beliefs and how they want to raise their children, and how they see the spiritual and religious worlds meld with their parenting.  I'd feel so vulnerable if I were saying things like these to a room full of people, and I am in awe of their comfort and freedom in doing so.  I've always felt like a very sensitive person, but can put up a pretty good front so that I look unflappable.  I think these occasions where I hear others saying what I do not, give me an opportunity to come as close to stating my feelings out loud as I ever have. 

It's not that I don't like or honor my feelings.  I love stumbling upon a song whose lyrics speak to me, and let me know that I am really not the only person who has ever felt that way before.  I love reading a passage in a book that beautifully states how something looks or feels.  I love music for musics sake, and can find myself crying with just a hauntingly beautiful melody.  There are prayers and religious songs that touch me as well, even if I don't understand the words, the tune literally strikes a chord.  I've just not ever been comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve so to speak.  For a long time, I was the girl who does what is expected of her, happily or begrudgingly, but not often with an open discussion of why I did or didn't want to do it.  It's been a learning curve to acknowledge and identify that I want or need or feel something other then what I "should", and clearly still a larger leap to be public about it.  Baby steps.  Right now, I'm just trying to unclench my jaw and let whatever comes out come. 

Since I Needed Something Else to Do...

I decided to scrapbook Peanut's birth. I figured that instead of having random papers and pictures and footprints in a box (mixed in with our wedding mementos) I would get them into a book before the new baby arrives. So, I needed a book, some paper, a little glue, and some markers. All non toxic/non acidic or whatever so the photos don't get ruined. This seems simple enough, but of course, it is not. I arrive at the store list in hand and realize I need all kinds of stuff to do this "right". I need stickers, a paper trimmer, adhesives, etc. And a new addiction is born.

I've done some scrap booking before, when it first became "the thing" to do and when I realized I was not using my 1700 kinds of scissors or my foam die cuts or my papers or whatnot, I gave it all away on freecycle. Now I want it all back, but I'm sure my old stuff is no longer appropriate in the new scrap booking world, so maybe it is just as well that I had to spend $150 to set up a book for my daughter 2 years after she was born. I have to admit, that it is turning out beautifully and I am thoroughly enjoying reliving the whole thing. Our doulas had written her birth story and taken pictures throughout labor and delivery (don't worry - we have edited which photos are in the album significantly!) and it is so nice to see it all together.

Meanwhile, of course, there are a million other things that I really need to do. Like yesterday I moved the car seats around so I could install the base for the infant seat. The cover is still drying (had to wash it from being in the shed) and I hope to get it on and the seat installed before little one's arrival. The funny part of that is seeing Peanut facing forward for the first time today in the car. I had no idea what she was doing back there - she is usually pretty quiet and reading her books, but has lately begun to ask for "mimit" (this means "music"). So today, she asks for music and then as she listens, has this thoughtful concentrating expression before she either says "this" and then begins bobbing her head to the tune or scowls and says "more mimit" since she doesn't like this song and wants another. The dancing head is what got me - she is really jamming out back there! It is so funny to see.