Lessons

Sitting outside today at playgroup with some moms from HMN, one commented that sometimes the hardest part is just to get out of their way.  The kids, she meant.  Once they started rolling with their imagination and creativity, there was a house and family on top of the playground collecting sticks, mulch, ice, and who knows what else for their dinner.  A lot of cake making was happening inthe sandbox.  Pushing, pulling, riding, digging, collecting, feeling, talking, directing, negotiating, assisting, all led by them.  I watched in wonder as my lately quiet and shy girl set out the scene and directed the players.  I loved my little one working hard to follow the rules laid out for him a nd trying to pull his weight.  Parenting well seems like less work.  It's allowing them to work it all out and deal with the messiness that is scary I think, so we get too involved and take too much responsibility for what is not our to take.  A lesson that gets repeated whenever we need it so it seems. 

The Great Playground Debate

Once again, we are faced with a decision to make. My mom and grandmother want to get a playground set for the kids for their birthday. Great! Right? Well... I am having some angst over the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, Peanut loves playgrounds. She points out every single one we pass, whether it is in someones yard, a store parking lot, or a park. I'm just not sure we need one in our backyard. I mean, we have two playgrounds at the school a block away, and have used them on holidays and weekends. There is a neighborhood playground less than a mile from here. We go on outings to nature centers and places with play equipment on a regular basis. I like the idea of meeting other families in the neighborhood at these community lots, and I like the idea of having some variety to the play equipment we use.

Beyond having lots of play equipment resources and opportunities close by, I also am intrigued by the natural play that children do with natural materials. We recently had some trees cut down and I asked the workers to leave the stumps and logs. They sliced up the logs to make stepping stones and jumping platforms. One of the stumps is the perfect height for a table, and one has become a stage. Several logs are becoming stools, cook tops, drums, and desks. At playgroup the last few weeks, the kids have devised ways to make the stumps less sticky (pile sand on top), have creating follow me games with the steps, and have explored in and around the logs climbing over and onto them. Honestly, I am afraid of losing this innate curiosity and exploration if there is a swing set with a defined purpose. I know kids will pretend that the slide is a mountain, or the swings are an airplane, but I still worry that something will be lost.

And then, there is the cost. There is a tremendous variety of quality in play sets. We have been looking at wood, and it is like shopping for a small car. I'd love to explore recycled plastics, but these seem to be even more expensive in some instances. I know, I know. I'm not paying for it, so why worry? Well, it just seems like a lot of money, regardless of where it is coming from, for something that we are not fully on board with. I've been looking at used sets on Craigslist, and have found several. I think this might be a good option as long as we can have a professional move and install it in our yard. That's one of the main criteria if we do go down this road - we are not putting it together ourselves. Too many of the online reviews have said that the assembly was the worst part and took forever. Many discussions involved adding additional support to flimsy structures from Big Box stores, which is the reason we have been looking at the "fancy" wood structures.

So what are the advantages to having a play set in the yard? Well, we can use it anytime. We can arrange it however we like - only toddler swings, a huge slide, etc. The kids can play on it while I'm doing something else in the yard, and later when they need less supervision, I can be in the house and see them from the window. I have to admit that this is really not all that appealing to me. I like to play outside with them (at least now) and don't feel a need to go inside to tackle some project. I'm sure that will change as they grow, but for now it's not a draw. Something I do really like, is the idea of sensory regulation. If someone is having a rough day and needs to get into a swing and go fast or high or furiously slide down the slide 1000 times, it would be nice to have a set in the yard. I can also see using it as an enticement to get the kids outside if they are acting like lumps.

Oh well. The debate continues on.

Silver and gold

I woke up early this morning to nurse my little guy and then although he went back down to sleep with ease, I was up with the wheels spinning. I've got a bunch of projects going on and my head is in a little bit of a tizzy, but that's not all. I'm thinking a lot about my childhood, school and friend experiences, and upbringing and how it relates to my values in parenting.

I've realized that as I watch Peanut navigate the social life of an almost 3 year old, the things that pain me are reminders of friendships past. Lately, she has been really clingy and very withdrawn when there is a new element or a change to her regular social routines. We had some new kids at playgroup and it was as though she couldn't speak. The switch of homes for our preschool coop was harder these last two times as well - she's tending to hang back in circle and be really quiet. She's always a quiet kid in groups - she likes to watch and wait before she makes a move, she's the last to emerge from ballet every week, and the last to get her hand stamped because she just doesn't crowd up front at all. That part is not new, but the really shy, needy girl when she's with her best most familiar friends is a new thing. I know she needs reassurance in these times, and I'd give it to her if I could. She seems to pick times to really need me when Pumpkin is latched on...so it has been tough.

All this drama so early makes me think about the later drama to come and how I want to handle it. I can remember in late elementary school, my best friend left playing with me while I was at her house to take a phone call from another girl that I was not friendly with at all. I was so upset and slighted that I left her house and went back to mine. I can't really imagine I had any idea of what I was feeling, and I know at the time I certainly couldn't articulate it. I think my whole life I've been sort of a serial monogamist with girlfriends (and boyfriends - but that's a whole other story!) and I learned pretty late how to maintain solid deep friendships with several of people at the same time. Honestly, I still can't say that this is a strong point for me. I see this need for Peanut to have one on one relationships without interference, and I wonder how to help her navigate them better than I do.

I think about my best friends through the years, and realize that many times when something has "gone wrong" I've just let the friendship go. I don't know that I had the tools to work things out, or if I did but it just seemed too hard. I do know that I am really good at compartmentalizing my life and my head, and I have an extraordinary ability to just shut the door on difficult issues, locking them up and swallowing the key. I do know there have been times that I decided the loss of a friendship was needed for me to grow, but not that often. I wondered this morning at 4am when all kinds of random pieces of life swirl around in my head whether I've shut people out on purpose after my dad died, or maybe I started doing it as early as elementary school, after that first hurt. I had to learn to ask for help from my closest friends after my divorce and that was excruciating. I wondered if I just learned early to be so independent that I never expressed a need for a friendship to continue or grow, or if sometimes I just think women friendships are hard to maintain because we are always over analyzing everything. I also wonder if this is just my own perception and all of us feel like this...

Anyway, it's Peanut that I worry about - otherwise I'm thinking all this stuff might take a heck of lot longer for me to consider unearthing. I'm hopeful that by diving into my past and present social skills and experiences, I can help figure out how to best support my little one in her path. Like every mom, I want to shield her from hurt, but I know she will have to learn by experience. I want to validate her hurts and happiness, give her the words and ideas to make decisions about how to negotiate her relationships. I want it to be easier for her to share with her friends, work things out with them, and ask them to help her when she needs it. I want her to love making new friends and keeping the old - like that old girl scout song "one is silver and the other gold."

On Their Best Behavior

After hearing fairly frequently how well behaved our kids are, a few of my mommy buddies and I have had several discussions about this. Why are our kids perceived as "well behaved"? How are they different? How is what we do different? And how do our lifestyles impact our kids behavior? We came up with a few ideas.

To start with, we have great kids! Yeah. I'm biased, but they really are terrific little people. We respect their "peoplehood". Something I find different about some of the families I tend to hang out with is that the interactions parents are children have are truly respectful. We really talk with our kids and are curious about what they have to say. There is very little speaking down to a child or baby talking. Conversations are an even give and take. We give choices, we give information about what will happen in advance, we help the kids be prepared for situations and interactions. We listen. We nod. We look interested instead of looking at something else while we mindlessly say "um hm". We give them our time as well as time to do things themselves. I think this is really important. People have a constant chatter in their heads about the schedule for the day, and rather than sharing their thoughts, they just expect that when they say "go" the kids will follow. I think the routines of the day and the time allotted to them is imperative to having a calm child. Just sharing that "before we get in the car in 10 minutes, I'd like you to have your jacket and shoes on" can really make a difference. Allowing enough time so a toddler can do as much of the preparation for an activity helps them be more invested in the activity itself. We do so much directing and scheduling of kids these days that they really have very little opportunity to do things for themselves. I've heard so many times how so-and-so cant put on their own shoes or jacket or whatever, and it turns out they never get the chance because they are flying out the door and mom always does it for them because it is faster.

One really basic difference is food. One mom was saying yesterday that she was again complemented about the group of toddlers at her home for a party last weekend. She observed that there was no soda, cake, or candy. Hmmm. Just knowing how my own kids behavior changes with sugar and artificial colorings - heck, how I feel when I eat garbage - makes me sure this is key. The amount of "stuff" in kids food is really nauseating. Come to think of it, the fact that the culture believes there is "kid food" is just as bad. Check out any kids menu - grilled cheese, mac and cheese, hot dog, hamburger, pizza, chicken nuggets...we are being led like zombies to believe that they won't eat regular food. Peanut was dancing around this morning as she helped me with the garden talking about how she was going to eat all the vegetables we grow. I know the fact that we focus on organic, fresh, whole food helps her feel good and have the energy to play as well as the self regulation to deal with events that might shake up her routine.

Another huge difference is play. A mom I know said she had told another mom that they didn't sign up for any tot classes this session and they were really enjoying their time to play. The other mom looked at her like she had three heads. Even two year olds have packed schedules with classes, playdates and lessons. I always try to leave at least one day (and I prefer two) to just hang out. No schedule, no outings, just play. At our regular playgroup last week, the kids were doing what they usually do - running around and playing in the yard. We let them direct their own play and intervene if they are unable to work something out themselves or when it could get dangerous. The kids were playing in the leaves in the garden and found some plastic pots. One was the perfect size and shape to be a hat for the leader of a marching band. So we've got a dirty pot on one child's head (which got passed around so others could take a turn - on their own mind you) and leaves all over the back of another (mine) who had rolled around on the ground, and they are marching around the yard quite regally. I could have insisted that the pot go back in the garden or that Peanut dust herself off or no longer roll on the ground, but I didn't. Neither did the other moms. Kids get dirty and explore and they will get a bath later. I could have tried to explain that the pot was for plants, and thus thwart their creativity. Some may see they way we are parenting as too permissive, but I think it allows kids to be curious, to explore, learn and use their energy. Being relaxed about play and not insisting that play goes on in a particular way ensures that our kids know that when we do insist on something, we mean it.

I'm sure there are all kinds of other little (and big) things that make a big difference in how kids act. I know our kids are certainly not on their "best behavior" all the time - but really, who is? I'm not. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got every minute of every day. You really can't ask for more.

Oh the fall!

What a gorgeous day! Cool, crisp, breezy and sunshiny! I love the fall, and wish I could be outside through all of it. Yesterday, we were able to get out for a long walk and see the beginnings of the changing leaves. I started to think about the trees in front of our house and the show of orange leaves that is soon to come.

This morning, we had playgroup here and before the kids arrived I went out in the yard with Peanut and Pumpkin and raked leaves into a few small piles. My original goal was to get the leaves into the composter. Once the kids got to the leaves though I realized that playing in piles of leaves is really a treat for two year olds, so all my work paid off in an unexpected way! They rolled and jumped in them and each wanted a turn raking. At one point, there were so many hands on the rake that it looked a little like the flag at Iwo Jima. There were some tussles and we had to pull out another rake, but they mostly worked through it and all had a good time. I did eventually get the leaves into the composter during afternoon naps, so all was not lost!