As a mom, you want what is best for your kid. But what the hell is that really? Does anyone know? Is there anyone out there who feels like they always had what was best for them? I don't think so. Sometimes, I think we need to be reminded of this. When parenting is stressful and things aren't going the way you planned, and when you are second guessing yourself at every turn, and when facebook and pinterest make you feel like a totally incompetent boob, I think we need a reminder.
I need a reminder.
My job is to be their support. It is to be their rock. To love them no matter what and show them that I love them no matter what. It is to put my own stuff aside and foster their own true self. I look around and every single person I know has some stuff, some baggage, some issues. It can't be avoided I think. No matter what we do or don't do, our kids are going to perceive the world in their own way and there will be something that they wrestle with now or later.
Perfection in parenting is a myth. Perfection in anything for that matter. I am good enough. They are good enough. We are solid. And that is the truth.
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Friday, December 2, 2011
Lessons
Sitting outside today at playgroup with some moms from HMN, one commented that sometimes the hardest part is just to get out of their way. The kids, she meant. Once they started rolling with their imagination and creativity, there was a house and family on top of the playground collecting sticks, mulch, ice, and who knows what else for their dinner. A lot of cake making was happening inthe sandbox. Pushing, pulling, riding, digging, collecting, feeling, talking, directing, negotiating, assisting, all led by them. I watched in wonder as my lately quiet and shy girl set out the scene and directed the players. I loved my little one working hard to follow the rules laid out for him a nd trying to pull his weight. Parenting well seems like less work. It's allowing them to work it all out and deal with the messiness that is scary I think, so we get too involved and take too much responsibility for what is not our to take. A lesson that gets repeated whenever we need it so it seems. 
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sad sad boy
Pumpkin and I have not had very much time apart in his two years. Yes, he spends part of a day each week with a nanny while I work, he's been to lots and lots of playgroups, has been in coop preschool with me while I taught or assisted, and has been (rarely) with other coop moms while I taught or assisted. He has not ever been dropped off with adults and children that he does not know for any length of time.
Peanut, as you know by now, is going to an amazing school that matches her personality really well and has already drawn her out of her shell. My thinking is that 1) I'm going to work to help pay for this, so I'd like to work at least some of the days she is at school. 2) It seems awfully silly to have the kids at two different schools or to have one home and the other in school. 3) He'll love it!
So my plan is that he'll go two days and she will go four. I'll work the two days they are both at school as well as the two other days I currently work. We'll continue with our nanny, and I'll have time with the kids in the weekday afternoons as well as Sundays, and I'll have time with just Pumpkin on Monday and Tuesdays. This all seems doable, except that he is super sad at school so far. I know I know, it's only day two, but his little sad face in the pictures from today is just killing me! He separated easily and I could leave without issue, but it looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown in all the pictures, and when I picked him up he was so very sad. I mentioned that our nanny would be here tomorrow and he even said "mommy I need you here with me!" which is unheard of as he loves when the nanny comes.
Now of course I am second guessing it all. Alternatives are flying around my head. Should I move all my Friday clients to Wednesday so I can be free to hang with the kids Fridays? Should I just keep him home for longer and not worry about working more? Should I just have him home and have a nanny two days while Peanut is at school? Should I carry on and hope that he will feel more comfortable next week? I feel like we should go on trying since it's so new, but still, my heart is in knots for the boy. Oh my sad little man. Sigh.
Peanut, as you know by now, is going to an amazing school that matches her personality really well and has already drawn her out of her shell. My thinking is that 1) I'm going to work to help pay for this, so I'd like to work at least some of the days she is at school. 2) It seems awfully silly to have the kids at two different schools or to have one home and the other in school. 3) He'll love it!
So my plan is that he'll go two days and she will go four. I'll work the two days they are both at school as well as the two other days I currently work. We'll continue with our nanny, and I'll have time with the kids in the weekday afternoons as well as Sundays, and I'll have time with just Pumpkin on Monday and Tuesdays. This all seems doable, except that he is super sad at school so far. I know I know, it's only day two, but his little sad face in the pictures from today is just killing me! He separated easily and I could leave without issue, but it looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown in all the pictures, and when I picked him up he was so very sad. I mentioned that our nanny would be here tomorrow and he even said "mommy I need you here with me!" which is unheard of as he loves when the nanny comes.
Now of course I am second guessing it all. Alternatives are flying around my head. Should I move all my Friday clients to Wednesday so I can be free to hang with the kids Fridays? Should I just keep him home for longer and not worry about working more? Should I just have him home and have a nanny two days while Peanut is at school? Should I carry on and hope that he will feel more comfortable next week? I feel like we should go on trying since it's so new, but still, my heart is in knots for the boy. Oh my sad little man. Sigh.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The First Day
The first day, and I know I was more frazzled and wary than she was. I had been working all weekend on a million forms to fill out, snacks to bake, errands to run, breakfast and lunches to pack... Since this first week is all 1/2 days, Pumpkin and I are finding activities close by school, but that means I'm packing for a full morning for all of us.
With Peanut, we took it really low key - no photo ops, just some easy conversation about school starting. We talked about the kids who would be there and some who would not. We talked about how the teacher she had connected with this summer would be a mentor to the other teachers and she wouldn't see her as much. We talked driving there, and when I would be picking her up. All was well, and everyone was calm but anticipating the day.
She slept fine, got up snuggly, and as she got dressed, she got a little apprehensive. Suddenly, those pants were too small or too big, and she didn't want to wear them, and she didn't want this or that... I could have been annoyed, but I know she was concerned about it all. So I sat down and held her and talked about how most kids are worried on the first day of school. Most kids don't know everyone in their class or their teachers. I reminded her that she knew and liked some of the children, and she knew and really liked some of the teachers. I reminded her of the farm animals, the dragon tree, the space where all of her extra clothes will be, how she really enjoyed all of the outdoor time, and how she would surely get to use her new raincoat today. We found a new pair of pants, and she was ready to go.
She was slow to smile when we walked in, but the text I got in an hour or so said she was happily talking about her new bunk beds at breakfast. She was happy when I came to pick her up, and had drawn a picture of our playground at home for me. I heard about the rain, playing outside and getting her crocs all muddy. Not much, but I know I will hear more tomorrow morning on the way back to school.
We all crashed hard this afternoon - I even turned on the tube for the kids to veg since everything else seemed to be such hard work. Remember the last party you went to where you didn't know anyone? Remember how much work it was to make smalltalk and remember who was who? It drains you. Imagine how hard that must be for a little kid. We forget how much energy it takes to do this school thing, especially for someone who likes to be in comfortable, known situations like Peanut.
On to the next tomorrow - Pumpkin has his first day too. I'll stay for a bit, and he will have a shortened day to start getting used to the idea. I'll have to keep in mind that although I expect he will be fine and jump right in, I'll need to be patient and support him as well. Having two kids with such different personalities can throw you for a loop sometimes. We shall see what the morning holds!
With Peanut, we took it really low key - no photo ops, just some easy conversation about school starting. We talked about the kids who would be there and some who would not. We talked about how the teacher she had connected with this summer would be a mentor to the other teachers and she wouldn't see her as much. We talked driving there, and when I would be picking her up. All was well, and everyone was calm but anticipating the day.
She slept fine, got up snuggly, and as she got dressed, she got a little apprehensive. Suddenly, those pants were too small or too big, and she didn't want to wear them, and she didn't want this or that... I could have been annoyed, but I know she was concerned about it all. So I sat down and held her and talked about how most kids are worried on the first day of school. Most kids don't know everyone in their class or their teachers. I reminded her that she knew and liked some of the children, and she knew and really liked some of the teachers. I reminded her of the farm animals, the dragon tree, the space where all of her extra clothes will be, how she really enjoyed all of the outdoor time, and how she would surely get to use her new raincoat today. We found a new pair of pants, and she was ready to go.
She was slow to smile when we walked in, but the text I got in an hour or so said she was happily talking about her new bunk beds at breakfast. She was happy when I came to pick her up, and had drawn a picture of our playground at home for me. I heard about the rain, playing outside and getting her crocs all muddy. Not much, but I know I will hear more tomorrow morning on the way back to school.
We all crashed hard this afternoon - I even turned on the tube for the kids to veg since everything else seemed to be such hard work. Remember the last party you went to where you didn't know anyone? Remember how much work it was to make smalltalk and remember who was who? It drains you. Imagine how hard that must be for a little kid. We forget how much energy it takes to do this school thing, especially for someone who likes to be in comfortable, known situations like Peanut.
On to the next tomorrow - Pumpkin has his first day too. I'll stay for a bit, and he will have a shortened day to start getting used to the idea. I'll have to keep in mind that although I expect he will be fine and jump right in, I'll need to be patient and support him as well. Having two kids with such different personalities can throw you for a loop sometimes. We shall see what the morning holds!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thinking long Range
I've realized that I am just plain scared of emotions. Mine, my kids, people in general. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say or just don't want to deal with it so I ignore them. It's funny, because at work I am the first person to identify and discuss the emotional components of raising kids, and am more than able to help families to problem solve their frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Of course it's way easier to see things objectively when you are not one of the main players.
Lately, I've been realizing that in order to be a better mom, I need get more than OK with being in the muck of a mess of emotions, and get used to figuring out my own emotional responses to every ones feelings. I'm pretty decent at validating feelings, but my own crap definitely gets in the way of going any further than that. My first inclination when I hear crying or whining is annoyance. Partly because I have learned that if it is coming from one person in particular, it means that a dress is too hot, or the baby doll's diapers don't fit right or the pillow has fallen, or she needs a tissue, or something else that could easily be done without an adults assistance, but for whatever reason must be giving the blessing of an adult. I go back over our early years as brand new parents and try to figure out this helplessness and I keep coming back to the rules we set. Many of them I think made it hard for her to see what she could do on her own, and in fact "broke" her of her independent streak. But clearly, there is some element of personality there as well. I also know that before the kids were truly talking, I had way more patience for all of it. I was easily able to translate, validate, support, empathize. Once they could talk though, my expectations increased. They should be able to say what they want, needs, feel, etc. Of course I know that is not true - really who can even do all that all the time as an adult?
So the past few weeks have been a learning experience. I had this crazy set of personal, public, and random events all at once, that has caused things to come together for me on so many levels, and pushed me towards making some changes. With me, there are always a few books in the mix of any change, and this is no exception. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is one that had been recommended so often I felt it was a necessary read. I had just read The Work a few weeks ago, so Aldorts ideas were not new, but they helped translate The Work to parenting for me. The basic idea is that you are in control of your own thoughts which are what make you feel bad or good. It's not that other things or people make you feel one way or another, it's all you. I've been asking myself "is it true" about all of my self talk, and finding that mostly, it's not. You can decide how you want to be and who you want to be that is not who you are with your "story" - the old assumptions, roles, traits, etc. that you played in your family growing up, at work, or wherever else you might have been labeled one way or another. With Aldorts version of the Work, you as a parent, teacher, mentor, help children process through their feelings and thought in a similar way. You give voice to their feelings without creating added drama or putting your own spin on it, and allow them to do what they will with them.
Allowing kids to have and live through their emotions. That's pretty messy. Not putting your own hat in the ring. Really hard. And hearing what comes up when you do this - super super scary. We've already had several discussions about dying, a few about wanting to be a baby again and hating one's siblings. One really really long day where it came out that Peanut was afraid that I didn't love her anymore after Pumpkin was born. A big blow up about hating home school preschool, and some other smaller things as well. It's all on, all the time. The upside is that we are all talking more and allowing ourselves to feel. Of course, that can be a downside as well, since we are really opening up all kinds of vulnerabilities.
This is all a ton of work, but really what is my goal. Mental health for everyone. Skills at conflict resolution, standing up for oneself, compassion, empathy, comfort in one's emotional and the ability to listen to what you really want and need. I've said before (only maybe half joking) that I want my kids to be able to be on the couch later in life talking about something other than what I talk about on the couch. I at least want to move them forward rather than hand over my stuff to them. I'm feeling like we are headed in that direction.
Lately, I've been realizing that in order to be a better mom, I need get more than OK with being in the muck of a mess of emotions, and get used to figuring out my own emotional responses to every ones feelings. I'm pretty decent at validating feelings, but my own crap definitely gets in the way of going any further than that. My first inclination when I hear crying or whining is annoyance. Partly because I have learned that if it is coming from one person in particular, it means that a dress is too hot, or the baby doll's diapers don't fit right or the pillow has fallen, or she needs a tissue, or something else that could easily be done without an adults assistance, but for whatever reason must be giving the blessing of an adult. I go back over our early years as brand new parents and try to figure out this helplessness and I keep coming back to the rules we set. Many of them I think made it hard for her to see what she could do on her own, and in fact "broke" her of her independent streak. But clearly, there is some element of personality there as well. I also know that before the kids were truly talking, I had way more patience for all of it. I was easily able to translate, validate, support, empathize. Once they could talk though, my expectations increased. They should be able to say what they want, needs, feel, etc. Of course I know that is not true - really who can even do all that all the time as an adult?
So the past few weeks have been a learning experience. I had this crazy set of personal, public, and random events all at once, that has caused things to come together for me on so many levels, and pushed me towards making some changes. With me, there are always a few books in the mix of any change, and this is no exception. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is one that had been recommended so often I felt it was a necessary read. I had just read The Work a few weeks ago, so Aldorts ideas were not new, but they helped translate The Work to parenting for me. The basic idea is that you are in control of your own thoughts which are what make you feel bad or good. It's not that other things or people make you feel one way or another, it's all you. I've been asking myself "is it true" about all of my self talk, and finding that mostly, it's not. You can decide how you want to be and who you want to be that is not who you are with your "story" - the old assumptions, roles, traits, etc. that you played in your family growing up, at work, or wherever else you might have been labeled one way or another. With Aldorts version of the Work, you as a parent, teacher, mentor, help children process through their feelings and thought in a similar way. You give voice to their feelings without creating added drama or putting your own spin on it, and allow them to do what they will with them.
Allowing kids to have and live through their emotions. That's pretty messy. Not putting your own hat in the ring. Really hard. And hearing what comes up when you do this - super super scary. We've already had several discussions about dying, a few about wanting to be a baby again and hating one's siblings. One really really long day where it came out that Peanut was afraid that I didn't love her anymore after Pumpkin was born. A big blow up about hating home school preschool, and some other smaller things as well. It's all on, all the time. The upside is that we are all talking more and allowing ourselves to feel. Of course, that can be a downside as well, since we are really opening up all kinds of vulnerabilities.
This is all a ton of work, but really what is my goal. Mental health for everyone. Skills at conflict resolution, standing up for oneself, compassion, empathy, comfort in one's emotional and the ability to listen to what you really want and need. I've said before (only maybe half joking) that I want my kids to be able to be on the couch later in life talking about something other than what I talk about on the couch. I at least want to move them forward rather than hand over my stuff to them. I'm feeling like we are headed in that direction.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Yeah - it's my choice, but boy it can be a pain
One morning last week as I was squeezing fresh orange juice, making eggs and gluten free waffles, and realizing I'd be hustling to get the kids in the car and off to wherever it was we were going on time, I thought "why can't I just be normal?". Really, sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. Go for it - eat Cap'n Crunch and skim milk for breakfast. Have a frozen veggie puff (what is in that?), store bought fried chicken, a Lunchable, orange drink, white bread grilled cheese, granola bars all day, candy, ice cream, milkshakes, and yeah - let's just stop at McDonalds.
This crap is way tiring. We go out most mornings, and I pack snacks and lunch for the kids and myself. I feel like a freaking pack mule with all of these lunch boxes and glass containers with fresh healthy homemade food inside. Lately the kids are eating us out of house and home, so nothing lasts long, which means I carry more stuff. If they don't get and/or eat any protein with breakfast, the requests for snacks or lunch come fast and furious within the hour. Yeah sure, we can eat at a restaurant, but we are usually at people's houses and besides that - I don't have the funds for dining out every day. And yeah, I could wrap everything in tin foil or plastic wrap, but then I'd be tossing so much trash everyday...
Is it worth it? I have to believe it is. But sometimes I secretly wish it made no difference at all.
This crap is way tiring. We go out most mornings, and I pack snacks and lunch for the kids and myself. I feel like a freaking pack mule with all of these lunch boxes and glass containers with fresh healthy homemade food inside. Lately the kids are eating us out of house and home, so nothing lasts long, which means I carry more stuff. If they don't get and/or eat any protein with breakfast, the requests for snacks or lunch come fast and furious within the hour. Yeah sure, we can eat at a restaurant, but we are usually at people's houses and besides that - I don't have the funds for dining out every day. And yeah, I could wrap everything in tin foil or plastic wrap, but then I'd be tossing so much trash everyday...
Is it worth it? I have to believe it is. But sometimes I secretly wish it made no difference at all.
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Holistic Halloween
We had such a fantastic time on Saturday! Our moms group, the Holistic Moms Network, hosted a Holistic Halloween party here at the house. The kids ran around the yard and jumped in piles of leaves - really is there anything better? We had a wagon and some hay bales ans we (well, one of the dads) pulled the kids around for a "hay ride" while the kids not ridin
g ran after the wagon. We opened up a pumpkin, and then our children got squirmy about sticking their hands in to take out the seeds. Every one of them wanted to use a spoon to scoop them out! The plan was to take the seeds and toast them, but somehow the pumpkin and seeds ended up in the sandbox...maybe we will have a volunteer pumpkin vine or two next year. There was a little crafts table set up outside with all kinds of materials to explore and create with.
When it began to drizzle, we dragged our stuff inside and ate! We had quite a spread - it was potluck, and with folks with lots of cooking talent and varied dietary needs, it was interesting and delicious. A few of the dads brought fall and pumpkin beers for tasting, we had soup, stew, casseroles, liver, veggies, pies, cakes, and I'm sure things I have missed. The children decorated mini pumpkins, made popcorn hands, and ran around in the playroom all afternoon. When the weather cle
ared, we went back out to bob for apples. Now in this era of swine flu we couldn't throw caution to the wind and stick our heads in a big trash 
can like we did when I was a kid, so each child had their own bowl! It was a riot watching them all - some trying to eat the apple in the water, some dunking the apple after each bite like the water was a dip. Of course a few got very wet, but it was warm and we were outside so all was well.Honey and I were talking afterwards and we both agreed that it was great to have active parents with us. What I mean by that is people who take an active role in parenting their kids wherever they are. You can see them keeping their kids in sight out of the corner of their eyes while they carry on a conversation. At the first hint of trouble, their posture shows they are tuned in to what may happen next, and they can make suggestions or requests of the kids in order to help them negotiate play, get to the potty on time, or keep their dinner from spilling off the plate. The kids learn to deal with social rules and the parents assist but don't take over, rescue, or coddle. Many of the families in our group follow (loosely or otherwise) attachment parenting. The most amazing thing about this is that attachment parenting usually gets a bad rap for just allowing children to run amok. Honestly, I have thought that myself, and I can see how the ideas and principles can be misinterpreted to mean "let your child run wild". To me at least, the tuned in parent can respond in a loving way and help children understand what is expected of them in a loving and connected way.
So a good time was had by all and our house remained intact in the face of 10+ kids from birth to 3 or so and their parents. We successfully celebrated the holiday without a serious sugar overdose, and everyone went home happy. Happy Halloween!
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