I am an emotional person. I cry at the drop of a hat - commercials, songs, books, blogs, any kind of ceremony or ritual, I am overwhelmed by emotions (happy and sad) that make me cry. I have been wondering about this lately. Why? Why do I cry? Why in a room full of people who seemingly feel, am I the only one leaking? At a child blessing ceremony the other day, I was overcome with tears almost the moment it began. I feel as if I let myself cry, it will be one of those loud sobbing cries rather than a dignified friendly cry, so I try to hold it all inside. And therein lies the answer. Holding it in, makes me more primed to cry as it were.
As I've been thinking on this, I've realized that a huge part of my emotionality has to do with what people are saying. I'm so blown away by the things people say out loud. Things about their beliefs and how they want to raise their children, and how they see the spiritual and religious worlds meld with their parenting. I'd feel so vulnerable if I were saying things like these to a room full of people, and I am in awe of their comfort and freedom in doing so. I've always felt like a very sensitive person, but can put up a pretty good front so that I look unflappable. I think these occasions where I hear others saying what I do not, give me an opportunity to come as close to stating my feelings out loud as I ever have.
It's not that I don't like or honor my feelings. I love stumbling upon a song whose lyrics speak to me, and let me know that I am really not the only person who has ever felt that way before. I love reading a passage in a book that beautifully states how something looks or feels. I love music for musics sake, and can find myself crying with just a hauntingly beautiful melody. There are prayers and religious songs that touch me as well, even if I don't understand the words, the tune literally strikes a chord. I've just not ever been comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve so to speak. For a long time, I was the girl who does what is expected of her, happily or begrudgingly, but not often with an open discussion of why I did or didn't want to do it. It's been a learning curve to acknowledge and identify that I want or need or feel something other then what I "should", and clearly still a larger leap to be public about it. Baby steps. Right now, I'm just trying to unclench my jaw and let whatever comes out come.