Sunday, February 19, 2012

Digging out

My whole life it seems I've been working so hard.  Moving so fast.  And sometimes getting it all done.  How on earth have I survived so long at this speed?  I think my time for chaotic squeaking by is up, and as difficult as it is to let the madness go, it has to stop.  Clearly, I have been creating things to keep myself occupied - even creating "work" so I can avoid other things on the to-do list. 

I was at the home of a client the other day, and I walked by the moms desk.  It was a small, neat, simple wooden desk, with a notebook on top of a clear space.  She had a love note from her husband pinned to the wall, and a small flower in a vase.  It was a picture out of a magazine,  but this woman lives like this.  Now, I have had public spaces that look like house beautiful, but my desk has always been organized chaos.  Seeing this lovely scene with one planning book made me furiously jealous.  I want that life.  The one where I can be methodical and neat and orderly.  Where I can walk to my desk and not get sick to my stomach looking at the piles of crap that I "have" to go through. 

That was a few weeks ago, and that combined with a few other "aha'" moments, I'm finally doing it.  One step at a time.  I have a small notebook that I now carry everywhere I go, and I jot my "to-do's" in there as I think of them.  I've even delegated a few to Honey.  My menu and grocery list are in there, as well as project ideas for the house and kids.  I've been shredding papers, reorganizing files, and creating a yard sale/freecycle pile.  I've done a bit of yoga and some meditation.  I've even begun thinking about what life would be like with just one focus.  That's a whole complicated thought process, and my hang ups about being productive, busy, important, and "using my degrees" are messing with my head.   But I'm thinking about it, which a big deal. 

I'd like to live a more purposeful life.  Right now it feels a bit like a waiting game, but I can feel the sands shifting.  Here's to a calmer more peaceful me.       

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