My whole life it seems I've been working so hard. Moving so fast. And sometimes getting it all done. How on earth have I survived so long at this speed? I think my time for chaotic squeaking by is up, and as difficult as it is to let the madness go, it has to stop. Clearly, I have been creating things to keep myself occupied - even creating "work" so I can avoid other things on the to-do list.
I was at the home of a client the other day, and I walked by the moms desk. It was a small, neat, simple wooden desk, with a notebook on top of a clear space. She had a love note from her husband pinned to the wall, and a small flower in a vase. It was a picture out of a magazine, but this woman lives like this. Now, I have had public spaces that look like house beautiful, but my desk has always been organized chaos. Seeing this lovely scene with one planning book made me furiously jealous. I want that life. The one where I can be methodical and neat and orderly. Where I can walk to my desk and not get sick to my stomach looking at the piles of crap that I "have" to go through.
That was a few weeks ago, and that combined with a few other "aha'" moments, I'm finally doing it. One step at a time. I have a small notebook that I now carry everywhere I go, and I jot my "to-do's" in there as I think of them. I've even delegated a few to Honey. My menu and grocery list are in there, as well as project ideas for the house and kids. I've been shredding papers, reorganizing files, and creating a yard sale/freecycle pile. I've done a bit of yoga and some meditation. I've even begun thinking about what life would be like with just one focus. That's a whole complicated thought process, and my hang ups about being productive, busy, important, and "using my degrees" are messing with my head. But I'm thinking about it, which a big deal.
I'd like to live a more purposeful life. Right now it feels a bit like a waiting game, but I can feel the sands shifting. Here's to a calmer more peaceful me.