Quitting

It's one of those days. I woke up with my head still spinning with all of my "to do" list that I fell asleep thinking about. Of course, much of it is related to things I have chosen to do. Some is stuff I have committed to without thinking it through. And some is just stuff that blindsided me. With the way things are going lately and the complete disorganization I am feeling, I just want to throw in the towel. Ever feel like that? Like taking the easy road? Yeah, we take the easy road sometimes, but I am talking about all the time. I woke up wanting to take my kids to a fast food place for breakfast, let them climb in the germ infested tunnels, and get myself some greasy non-food with a really big soda. I want to pour week killer all over my yard. I want to get some majorly toxic bug killer too and dump it all over the garden. I want to be the parent at the mall play area who lets her kids run wild while I play games on my phone. I want to let them play at the train table at the bookstore while I wander off to read something mindless. I want to only shop at big box stores and buy everything in a box you just add water to or pop in the microwave to create a meal. I want to dress the kids head to toe in branded characters, send them to a daycare mill, and go work full time. I want to quit.

The kids wake up, and my mood changes with the very first snuggle and "hi mama". It's not that I want to quit mommying, I want to quit all the nonsense that somehow gets tacked on to mommying. I just want to enjoy my little ones without worrying about it. Without stressing about the small stuff. Without expecting perfection from anyone, especially me. I want to do it all though - I love my work, and I love my kids, and I feel passionately about the way we live and the choices we have made. It's a hard road to take, but I'm taking it.