Maybe

If there is one thing each of us can do each day to help the world it is to "be where they are".  Whoever "they" are - your spouse, kids, the guy on the train, the checker at Trader Joe's, your best friend, your nemesis.  We are constantly looking to make people do what we want, understand what we are saying, follow our lead or direction, be faster or slower, more or less accurate, friendly, whatever.  It's all about us.  What if we made it all about them?  What if we went through the day, or even through a very small part of the day, with them in the front of our minds?  What if we strive to understand, to listen, to really hear, to validate, to acknowledge, to smile with open eyes and hearts?  What if we try to be where they are instead of make them get to where we are?  What would it hurt?  What would it help?  Really how long would it take?  I think we might all be surprised at how much slowing down, accepting and waiting might do to improve relationships, and really, your whole day.  Try it now - try it tomorrow.  When you find yourself becoming frustrated or anxious, or your breathing starts to speed up, or you find you are holding your breath, rolling your eyes, tapping your fingers, or heavily sighing, take a deep breath and change your perspective from how much this is all annoying you to what the other person may be feeling or thinking.  Maybe that guy tailgating you has a kid at the hospital he is trying to get to.  Maybe the checker is slow because she was up all night with her best friend who is getting divorced.  Maybe the child kicking the back of your seat on the airplane just left his best friend in California.  Maybe the waiter who got you meal all wrong is preoccupied waiting for test results from his biopsy.  Maybe we can all cut each other some slack, and try to imagine that we are all doing the best we possibly can.

Apples and chocolate sand

I've been thinking about gratitude. I'm not one for thank you notes, but I do think letting people know that you appreciate them is important. We've been using the Thanksgiving holiday as a lesson in thankfulness for the kids, and I know the more they see the adults in their life expressing their thanks, appreciation and gratitude the easier it will be for them to integrate that into their everyday lives.

This time of year brings people to ask "what are you thankful for?" of each other and ourselves. Some of the answers are very pat and broad, and clearly what "should" be said. I think gratitude loses it's meaning or impact. I'd like to be more specific and clear about my thanks for big and small things, material and intangibles, for myself and as an example. Since it is easier to write (for me at least) I figured I'd start here. I am grateful for so much that I'm sure I won't manage to get it all "on paper", but I'll try to touch on some of them over the next few weeks.

I have a wonderful friend, A, who is a gift in and of herself. I could write an entire post (and them some) on how my life is enhanced by my relationship with her. But for now, I'll focus on her mother and father in law, who are two of the most thoughtful people I have met. The in laws brought me a gift of a huge box of apples last week. So you say, apples, so what? They have a 10 lb bag at Costco for 6 cents! Nope, not these apples. These are McIntosh apples that came from their own tree in upstate New York. The tree and fruit have never been treated in any way, and the harvests are varied. At the end of the summer, they brought some apples for my friend and she made some applesauce. I mentioned how great fresh apples would be and that my kids love applesauce. Well, they remembered this and stored as many apples as they could and drove them down here last week.

I set to work, making apple crisp (made with coconut flour - yum!), apple muffins (almond flour), apple bread (with the last of our regular flour), and applesauce. We used my tiny food processor for a batch of applesauce and the kids ate it all in one sitting. So I borrowed my friends food grinder and strainer to go on my kitchenaid mixer and set about making big batches of sauce. I think I froze 20 big jars of sauce and I have another 15 small ones in the fridge (it wasn't worth canning since we eat it so fast - we have already eaten 3-4 jars).

The gift of the apples was wonderful, but the gift of having my kids see how apples become sauce and getting to help me make it is so much more. I get to pull a jar out of the freezer and remember how the kitchen smelled of hot apples and cinnamon; that will warm me up on a chilly afternoon in February. Having a fresh homemade dessert that was "good for us" on Thanksgiving and being able to give loaves of apple bread to other people who deserved our thanks was lovely. The actual gifts people give lead to other gifts in our lives. And we in turn bestow gift on other people. It just feel good.

It didn't stop there. Peanut really loves the sand in M's (A's son) sandbox. She calls it chocolate sand because it is so dark and soft. Well, the in laws heard this as well, and yep - a huge load of sand came with the apples. The kids helped mix the sand in and then got to play around in it for a bit. I think Peanut didn't realize what she was getting until the third or fourth bucket of sand went into the sandbox - then she got really excited about it. So once again, a gift of thoughtfulness that will get to be shared and enjoyed by my kids and their friends. Thank you G and L for spending the time and energy to collect and load up apples and sand and drive it all the way here so my Peanut and Pumpkin could enjoy such treats!

One Completed Thought

I was reading an article the other day, and I - oh honey careful for that - thought of you and your hunt for - is that mine or yours? Oh no, that's mine. Coming sweetie! Oh I see you wanted that toy and Susie has it. Have you tried asking her for it? Well, it looks like she is not ready to be done, is there another toy you might use? Yep, that one is free. All right. So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so how's that going? If we lived a little closer we would be really into that - babe crayons are for paper. Only on paper. - this is nice tea, where did you - only on the paper. Uh oh! Looks like you need to use the potty! Come on, let's go together... Here's a stool to climb and wash your hands. All set? Let's go see your friends! - You know I can't believe she is tall enough to get to the faucet herself. They grow so quickly and get so independent! Yesterday, you should have seen it, the two of them were - wow you are up really high! Let me stand close to make sure you stay safe. OK, step down like this, yes, there you go. Did it! - He is really giving me a run for my money. There is nothing he doesn't climb. - there you go! I bet she feels really happy that you gave her a turn. - With two, I feel like I can never finish a thought or a sentence before I have to - Oh, maybe you two can work something out. I bet you can both play with that toy together or you can take turns. - negotiate something or another!

It's a wonder that moms can create friendships. Thank you to all of my mom friends, past and present, new and old, for bearing with the scattered conversation and working on making real connections. I couldn't do it at all without you.

Silver and gold

I woke up early this morning to nurse my little guy and then although he went back down to sleep with ease, I was up with the wheels spinning. I've got a bunch of projects going on and my head is in a little bit of a tizzy, but that's not all. I'm thinking a lot about my childhood, school and friend experiences, and upbringing and how it relates to my values in parenting.

I've realized that as I watch Peanut navigate the social life of an almost 3 year old, the things that pain me are reminders of friendships past. Lately, she has been really clingy and very withdrawn when there is a new element or a change to her regular social routines. We had some new kids at playgroup and it was as though she couldn't speak. The switch of homes for our preschool coop was harder these last two times as well - she's tending to hang back in circle and be really quiet. She's always a quiet kid in groups - she likes to watch and wait before she makes a move, she's the last to emerge from ballet every week, and the last to get her hand stamped because she just doesn't crowd up front at all. That part is not new, but the really shy, needy girl when she's with her best most familiar friends is a new thing. I know she needs reassurance in these times, and I'd give it to her if I could. She seems to pick times to really need me when Pumpkin is latched on...so it has been tough.

All this drama so early makes me think about the later drama to come and how I want to handle it. I can remember in late elementary school, my best friend left playing with me while I was at her house to take a phone call from another girl that I was not friendly with at all. I was so upset and slighted that I left her house and went back to mine. I can't really imagine I had any idea of what I was feeling, and I know at the time I certainly couldn't articulate it. I think my whole life I've been sort of a serial monogamist with girlfriends (and boyfriends - but that's a whole other story!) and I learned pretty late how to maintain solid deep friendships with several of people at the same time. Honestly, I still can't say that this is a strong point for me. I see this need for Peanut to have one on one relationships without interference, and I wonder how to help her navigate them better than I do.

I think about my best friends through the years, and realize that many times when something has "gone wrong" I've just let the friendship go. I don't know that I had the tools to work things out, or if I did but it just seemed too hard. I do know that I am really good at compartmentalizing my life and my head, and I have an extraordinary ability to just shut the door on difficult issues, locking them up and swallowing the key. I do know there have been times that I decided the loss of a friendship was needed for me to grow, but not that often. I wondered this morning at 4am when all kinds of random pieces of life swirl around in my head whether I've shut people out on purpose after my dad died, or maybe I started doing it as early as elementary school, after that first hurt. I had to learn to ask for help from my closest friends after my divorce and that was excruciating. I wondered if I just learned early to be so independent that I never expressed a need for a friendship to continue or grow, or if sometimes I just think women friendships are hard to maintain because we are always over analyzing everything. I also wonder if this is just my own perception and all of us feel like this...

Anyway, it's Peanut that I worry about - otherwise I'm thinking all this stuff might take a heck of lot longer for me to consider unearthing. I'm hopeful that by diving into my past and present social skills and experiences, I can help figure out how to best support my little one in her path. Like every mom, I want to shield her from hurt, but I know she will have to learn by experience. I want to validate her hurts and happiness, give her the words and ideas to make decisions about how to negotiate her relationships. I want it to be easier for her to share with her friends, work things out with them, and ask them to help her when she needs it. I want her to love making new friends and keeping the old - like that old girl scout song "one is silver and the other gold."