Like Granite

As a mom, you want what is best for your kid.  But what the hell is that really?  Does anyone know?  Is there anyone out there who feels like they always had what was best for them?  I don't think so.  Sometimes, I think we need to be reminded of this.  When parenting is stressful and things aren't going the way you planned, and when you are second guessing yourself at every turn, and when facebook and pinterest make you feel like a totally incompetent boob, I think we need a reminder.

I need a reminder. 

My job is to be their support.  It is to be their rock.  To love them no matter what and show them that I love them no matter what.  It is to put my own stuff aside and foster their own true self.  I look around and every single person I know has some stuff, some baggage, some issues.  It can't be avoided I think.  No matter what we do or don't do, our kids are going to perceive the world in their own way and there will be something that they wrestle with now or later. 

Perfection in parenting is a myth.  Perfection in anything for that matter.  I am good enough.  They are good enough.  We are solid.  And that is the truth. 

Mother's Helpers

Back to reality.

Last week was really lovely - Honey's mom was here for the week and I was spoiled. I got lots accomplished inside and outside. I went out a few times to run an errand or two on my own - it is truly amazing to me how quickly I can get errands done when it is just me. I was able to walk away from the kids to do a task and not worry about Pumpkin climbing into the fireplace, or Peanut running him over with her grocery cart. I even had some time to myself. We enjoyed a "date" on Friday night, and the kids loved hanging with Nana. Honey took me out for Thai food and then I had him take me to Lowes to buy some plants for the front yard. Never had a date at Lowes? You are missing out my friend!

I was so calm last week, that I started to second guess myself about needing a Mother's Helper. I interviewed some lovely girls, and as I told them about the kids and their routines, it sounded so...easy. I began to reconsider - I was staying home for a reason. I chose to be with my kids. Why did I need help to do what I chose to do? Why not look for help with the things I really didn't want to do? I started doing some calculations and realized I could hire someone to clean the house every week for the same price, and began to weigh the options. And then Honey took Nana home on Sunday, and I was home with the kids all day by myself. Back to the world of unpredictable naps and babies needing to be held at the most inopportune times. And the calm disintegrated and I realized that in order to be a fabulous stay at home mom and really enjoy the time I spend with my children, I do absolutely need someone to keep an eye on them for a bit while I do something else. Just to take a breath and relax while pulling weeds, or clean the shower is a nice little break that makes me appreciate my babies. So on to the references...

Continuing to let go

What is it about being a stay at home mom that is so stressful? Today, I was ready for a break before 8am, and my patience was wearing WAY thin by noon. There is really nothing I HAVE to do in a day aside from keeping kids safe and fed, so I can only assume that the stressful part is my own doing. Although I have lowered my standards for what gets done in a day and what kind of mess I am willing to deal with, either the standards still need to get lowered or I need to put my kids to work - or maybe both.

Having only fairly recently been working in a scheduled world with deadlines and responsibilities and paperwork, the switch to full time parenthood has been really daunting. On one hand, we could hang out all day and watch TV. On the other hand, we could explore and do anything we want! I think the hard part is that the parameters are not handed to you as a mom. When you go to work at a job, the rules are set, the expectations are already laid out, there's usually a position description somewhere that spells it all out for you. As a parent, you have to figure it all out yourself. So after some trial and error, you might learn out that unless the kids eat lunch by 11:30, you are in for some serious tantrums the rest of the day. Or if you don't eat any protein for breakfast, you are an irritable weepy mess. Or if nap time goes more than 2 hours, going to bed at a reasonable hour is a pipe dream. The time spent in deciding what your expectations are of your kids and of each other are as well as what the rules are that help you meet those expectations is what makes it a 24/7 gig. With any other job, at the end of the day you can just walk away, which is clearly the biggest difference.

The crazy thing about me being worked up about all this is that we are "slow parenting". We don't have tons of scheduled activities, I am totally unconcerned with "school readiness", we like to go with the flow a bit, and I really like to have at least one day a week that we don't go anywhere at all. I do have pretty high expectations though - I expect that we will eat a home cooked meal as a family almost every night. I expect that we will be social at least a little with friends and other kids. I expect that my kids will be able to run errands with me without melting down, and perhaps actually enjoying themselves. I expect that we will all have clean clothes to wear, unspoiled food to eat, and relatively clean floors to play on. I do like to have a consistent daily routine awake at the same general time, naps around the same time, meals around the same time... So maybe I am not really remotely go with the flow. Maybe I'm just not into structured class activities for the kids, but I am all for structured days. Maybe if I can let some (more) of that go, the days where it seems like we have no plan will get easier...