Chaos & Mayhem

Fresh Start

2012-01-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

I've written resolutions almost every New Year as long as I can remember. They are often things that I want to change about myself or my lifestyle, and they are often set aside by mid February or so. Setting a goal to change an inherent part of me, while admirable, seems like a backhanded way of saying "work harder, be better, try to be perfect", which of course is not possible.

When I worked at gyms for years in college and afterwards, the staff always used to brace themselves for the onslaught in January, knowing that by March they'd all be gone. We had contests and specials, trying to keep people there and focused on the big picture, but we always lost a bunch after a good solid run. They just petered out. So many resolutions, health related or not, are like that. We approach them with focus and gusto and then wear ourselves out on the idea and give up.

I'm all for a clean slate and starting fresh in the New Year, but it 's the way that we (or maybe just I) tend to write goals that is sticking in my craw. I feel like my goals have always reflected my need to climb and scramble to be somehow worthy all these years. That I and my life are never *enough* and there is always something more to be coveted. This year, life is different, and the resolutions reflect that. There is nothing I want or need. There is nothing I wish to be that is different from right now. I am grateful and present, and that I will remain that way is my one wish.

Happy and Healthy New Year to all of us.

Self Centered

2011-12-07T21:39:00.001-05:00

When I walked in to the the apartment, I was surprised by the grocery bag with box stuffing, canned cranberry sauce, and a roasting pan for a turkey sitting beside the door. I thought to myself "huh - I didn't know they did turkey on Thanksgiving" and for a split second I thought that the mom had just come in from shopping and laid her things down by the door. Then I realized that here was a care package delivered by some charitable organization to families in need during the holidays. I also realized that all the things still in the bag were probably going right back out the door to someone else who would use them. Not everyone cooks a turkey, likes turkey, or needs a turkey. It was the first time I had considered all of those holiday dinner care packages in this way, and realized how much we don't know, or don't ask, about who we are helping to feed.

I'm noticing this year that while people have their hearts in the right place, we are a very very self centered country when it comes to "our" holidays. This morning at the grocery store, the cashier behind me asked the little boy if he was ready for Santa. "Have you been good?" Of course he's been good - he's barely 2! What could he possibly do that would deem him "bad enough" for Santa to ignore him? Then she went on about Santa not coming if he was a bad boy and such. Good lord. Maybe he doesn't celebrate Christmas. Maybe his family has never talked about Santa. And maybe his family feel that all children are "good" regardless of the imminent visit from St. Nick. I'm glad we weren't the ones in that line, since I'm not really sure how that conversation would have gone.

Assumptions. It's just that we assume that everyone is just like us. And the reality is that they are not. We live in an amazing multicultural world, and my area in particular has a huge variety of people from every country imaginable. Each family has wonderful, varied traditions, dishes, customs, ideas, and holidays. What if... instead of assuming, we all asked. What if, we said "what is your family's favorite holiday?" What if we asked what they do to celebrate? What if we asked what they most need or want to help their celebration? What if we cared to know?

Zombie

2011-12-03T05:51:00.000-05:00

There are moments as a parent when you are in a weird kind of twilight zone. You are acting and speaking, and at the same time, listening to yourself with disbelief at the things that are currently coming out of your mouth and at the actions happening, but seemingly unable to stop the train. Recently, I was having a whole inner dialogue with myself (mostly consisting of "really? you really just said that? seriously?") as I was getting more and more amped up about something the kids were doing. As I extricated myself not so gracefully from the situation, I thought of this post with a much more eloquent inner dialogue than mine that reminded me that my job is to teach rather than to expect. We are all doing our best and there is no need to be perfect. We can always start again.

Lessons

2011-12-02T15:05:00.001-05:00

Sitting outside today at playgroup with some moms from HMN, one commented that sometimes the hardest part is just to get out of their way. The kids, she meant. Once they started rolling with their imagination and creativity, there was a house and family on top of the playground collecting sticks, mulch, ice, and who knows what else for their dinner. A lot of cake making was happening inthe sandbox. Pushing, pulling, riding, digging, collecting, feeling, talking, directing, negotiating, assisting, all led by them. I watched in wonder as my lately quiet and shy girl set out the scene and directed the players. I loved my little one working hard to follow the rules laid out for him a nd trying to pull his weight. Parenting well seems like less work. It's allowing them to work it all out and deal with the messiness that is scary I think, so we get too involved and take too much responsibility for what is not our to take. A lesson that gets repeated whenever we need it so it seems.

Tired

2011-11-29T11:47:00.001-05:00

Once you decide to change one thing, life becomes a slippery slope it seems. Wake up and get out the door by 7, only buys stress and anxiety. Traffic adds to that feeling, and then another hour long trip home with the darkness coming earlier and earlier makes me feel like I am missing it all. I'm trying to make time for fun activities before dinner, with some success, but the two leisurely days I have with the little one each week remind me of what I am missing with the big one.

I'm still trying to get into the groove myself. Deciding what fits and what doesn't, what must and what can't. It's not even close to what I need. Clearly the things that didn't make the cut are the things I need most for my sanity - exercise, blogging, time with friends.

And while school is great for one kid, we are still in a wait and see holding pattern with the other, so that adds to my stress. Did we make the right choice? Is it worth turning it all upside down? Can't I just be with the kids and not rush around making more money so I can spend more money so I can not have time with them, so I can have someone else play with them and teach them all day? Even the questioning becomes a slope to slide right down.

So I'll question and tweak, and make it all work. But I have to tell you that right now I am just plain tired.

Fallish

2011-10-24T13:47:00.000-04:00

It's fall, which means lots of fall activities around here (and everywhere!). We went apple picking a while back at Marker-Miller Orchard with some friends and had a great time. They use integrated pest management which means they do use some pesticides but they make a serious attempt to use every means possible to keep from resorting to them.

The orchard itself was beautiful, clean, and chill. They have a market with a bakery and produce area, a wine shop with tastings :) and a big playground by the picnic pavilion. The big draw is the apple picking, which is the way it ought to be. We got sucked into trying the big farm carnival for strawberries and it was just not my bag. There is plenty to do here with the apple picking, wine, market, and playground - we could have stayed longer and probably come another day and the kids would have continued to have a blast. No need for bouncy things and petting zoos...

The kids were able to play and hang out on the floor next to the tasting bar while we tried something like 25 different fruit wines! Some were good, some pretty sweet, and some a little odd, but it was a fun time.

We will be back here next year!

Just Doing It - The Whole 30

2011-10-23T21:29:00.000-04:00

For the past two years or so, our family has eaten some semblance of a primal/paleo/grain free diet. Sometimes we stick to it and sometimes we don't. Essentially, we eat what we eat at home and when we are out everyone is free to make choices. I don't mean to say that we don't have choices at home as well - we do of course. But I mean that when we are out, each of us is free to choose from the dizzying array of foods that can be found on any menu or at any party. We often feel quite awful when we choose way out of the box, but still, we choose.

I've been noticing lately that I am reaching for more sugar and sweetened things as well as more grains when given the opportunity. I've also not quite yet gotten the hang of menu planning with work and the kids school schedules, and whenever planning drops off, our choices get a little crappy. Add into that this past week of really tough bedtimes, lots of pee accidents from one little person, and lots of crabbiness from one tired mommy, and the perfect storm is brewing.

We are embarking on a food journey - The Whole 30 - starting tomorrow. It's really no different than any of our previous paleo adventures, but the 30 day thing gives me something to wrap my head around. It really couldn't be better timing as we attended three parties this weekend, and the intake of "all things that make me feel bad in general" was quite high. And of course we are headed into the holiday season as evidenced by the Christmas displays that are now taking over the Halloween candy aisles in all of your favorite big box stores.

So the plan is to use this month to reset our taste buds, reset mindful eating, reset the sugar cravings, and give us a little overall reminder of how seriously food can and does affect us. I'm sure there will be some great side benefits like not feeling like I have to suck in my belly, and maybe better sleep for everyone, but really I am after the emotional side of it this round. Come and join me!

This Moment - Sunrise

2011-10-21T05:30:00.000-04:00

I'm following along with SouleMama - in her words:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

4 going on 14

2011-10-19T05:00:00.000-04:00

There is lots of talk in the car on the way to and from school. So much chatting sometimes that it is really quite amusing to just listen. If I answer or get involved in the conversation, I often get "I was talking to _____!" clearly telling me to butt out. The other day, they were discussing the paint colors they had used at school. Pumpkin said he used "red and jello", and Peanut said she had used "blue and lello". They began to go back and forth with lello and jello, until Peanut finally said "It's not Jello! It's Lello!" in a completely exasperated voice. It was really hard to keep from becoming completely hysterical. I thought I'd have to intervene as Pumpkin began to cry, but then Peanut says, "Forget it - I'm just doing my own thing" and flips her hair to turn towards her window. Oy.

Rock Star

2011-10-18T05:00:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, Honey took the kids on some errands while I was at work. They ended up buying a toy microphone on the fly. So it plays music, records your voice and plays it back, and will amplify your voice as well. No biggie right? Peanut would absolutely not put the thing down for the first 24 hours she owned it. She took it to the bathroom with her, talking and singing into it all the while. She brought it outside and did shows on stumps while wearing her butterfly wings. She walked through the house recording and listening to her own voice. At first, she did want to be alone or at least not have to see that you were right there while she was talking. But as the day went on, she became more and more confident, and she was just singing and talking regardless of who was in the room. My very quiet Peanut would absolutely not shut up. Why we had not thought of this sooner I have no idea...

Why not make it better?

2011-10-17T05:30:00.000-04:00

Somehow, we adults have decided that just because we had to deal with something as a child, it's OK for our children to deal with it too. It's even expected, a rite of passage, or just the way things are. So often it's "Yeah well, I had to (fill in the blank) and I turned out fine!". Lots of people say this about spanking, which I won't go into here - there are plenty of other places to read that spanking does nothing to increase your child's ability to learn anything about right and wrong. What I am surprised about is all the other stuff we think is fine for them to deal with - "my parents did that to/with me" or we figure "we were just like that" when we were younger. Or "please, there are worse things!" - of course there are always worse things! That doesn't mean we should just carry on with the OK stuff.

Actually, I think we just don't think about it. There are things that just *are* and we have just been so busy, tired, distracted, clueless, that we aren't paying attention to how silly or harmful these things can be. And don't get me wrong - there are some personality, developmental, and just plain "there" traits that make up each person. It would be sad if we were all the same, and of course, everyone should be who they are. But sometimes, the things that come most naturally to us are things that impede our relationships. Sometimes the things that are easier are not doing us any favors.

I can be a perfectionist, passive aggressive, judgemental, sarcastic, and snippy. I like to have things my way, and I like to be in control. I'm not a bad person, but there are certainly some things I'd prefer to do differently, and I know that "letting it all hang out" is not going to win me any favors. I know that as I have grown, and realized how my actions impact other people, I have been able to manage some of these traits better, and find that I am more satisfied with life in general when I do what is harder for me rather than go with my first impulse. Why wouldn't I help my kids to do the same? Why would I want them to be controlling just because "oh, that's just like me!"?

I'm not saying our kids shouldn't have to manage and negotiate their way through life and we should pave the way completely for them. I just think we have an amazing and unique opportunity here. Based on what we know about ourselves and what we remember from our past, we can help them deal with the world in a different way. We can help our kids be better at conflict negotiation that we are. We can show them that what they say and do is important to us, and that they have interesting ideas to share.

Why is this so hard? I think it is because it forces us to take a good hard look at our own actions, faults and shortcomings. It makes you dissect your past a bit. Instead of just feeling crappy about our own stuff, helping your kids through things forces you to face your issues head on and deal with them. You have to be reflective, and honest, and open, and vulnerable. You need to identify what works and what is not working in a non-judgemental way, both for yourself and your child. Maybe you even need to share with your kids how you screwed something up and how you could have done it differently. No one is perfect, and we needn't expect our children to be, nor should we be stressed about our own imperfections.

So think about your childhood and the things you wished had been different. Think of the big things and the little ones. How would you change them? What could someone have done for you to make it better, easier, more fun, less scary? Are there times or people you can remember who did make an impact in a positive way? What did they do that was special or life changing? What can you take away from those experiences? What can you do for your children to make it better?

Do one thing today. Why wouldn't you?

This Moment - October, really

2011-10-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

I'm following along with SouleMama - in her words:
{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Techie

2011-10-13T06:54:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I get this random parenting magazine every month. It started showing up when Peanut was born, probably tied to a purchase or maybe even the birth record. I called and cancelled it once long ago, and it stopped coming for a while, but now it is back like a fungus. Every now and then there is an envelope with a big screaming ad that this COULD BE MY LAST ISSUE!!!!!! I never believe it, so I don't send a check. Anyway, it's apparently here to stay, so I read it.

I'm always really put off or surprised by at least one of the articles, and the advertising, product placement, and just plain nonsense is amazing. This most recent issue has a whole article about when kids *should* do what kind of technology. So I'm reading along and they have it broken down by age - I'm feeling good at the mention that after 9 months most if not all of your kids toys should not require batteries. But of course, the highlight at the bottom basically encourages the opposite. Then 1-2 years they recommend tinkering with iPhone apps, as well as watching educational TV. They do add the caveat that the AAP has recommended no screen time for TV until after age 2, but hey, whatever. By 2-3 years, the article says kids should be using shape sorter apps on the iPhone and electronic toys that teach letters and numbers, 3-4 years basically using your devices as their own, and 4-5 years using the Internet and playing video games.

I did a serious double take on this one. My 4 year old should be well versed in application on an iPhone and be able to access the Internet herself to play video games? For real? Why the hell would I want her to do that? I have no question that at some point she will want and need to know how to use technology. I also have no question that she can easily learn anything. I didn't have a computer until junior high, and that one was at school. No email for me until far beyond college. (Yes, I am old) I have been fully capable of dealing with and using technology, and if I wanted to I could expand my horizons with a bit of effort.

My kids love to learn about real things in a real world with real interactions and real experiences. I like it that way, they like it that way. The technology world can add to that for sure, but there is no chance they are getting their own iPhone anytime soon. They have plenty of time to get addicted to the net.

Drama

2011-10-12T06:32:00.000-04:00

It's been cool to see how the kids entertain themselves and each other as they get older. Of course, it is also amazing to do a task from start to finish without anyone asking to help or asking for a snack or crying that they need to go potty or pretty much any interruption at all. Sometimes I get a little concerned when I haven't seen the kids in a while, but more often I am so please to be completing tasks at what seems like the speed of light.

It's funny, I've noticed that they don't really play with their toys, they use the objects around them to come up with really imaginative games and scenarios. I guess that in part is that they don't actually have any toys that do stuff for them - they only have toys that require them to take some kind of action. It is pretty cool to see all that simple toy stuff working to enhance their creativity. I'm feeling rather validated :)

They have been spending literally hours lately playing on their own, and I can hear them discussing all kinds of amusing things. One morning last week, they got dressed up in double layers of dresses (yes - both of them) and decided they were going to a wedding. They had bags with their things and gifts packed up and created a car to drive in (part of the bed). They had some time during the wedding to sit and take a break - mom and baby relaxing at the wedding in a comfy easy chair. While they carried on, I was able to bake a ridiculous amount of muffins, clean up the kitchen, and remain fairly focused on a conference call. Yeah. It's pretty incredible.

Another afternoon was a big dress up and then creating "beds and nests" out of the couch cushions. The attention to detail in having the covers just right is pretty astounding. I'm sure there was more to the story - there always seems to be some elaborate back story about why they are dressed a certain way and why the beds are just so... I'm not questioning, just enjoying the imaginations!

Some fun

2011-10-11T06:30:00.000-04:00

After all the fabulous boot camp, hot yoga, and other random workouts this summer, I've been seriously slacking as I get my act together in this new transition to work and school. I much prefer working out in the morning, and now that we leave so early, that is nearly impossible. If I work out at night, I'll keep myself awake too late. During the day, I'm either working or with Pumpkin, so I need something he can do too, or that i can do while he naps, or that I can do on the fly. I don't really want to pay for anything extra, and I'd love to use what we already have (since we do have a full gym in our basement!). I can squeeze in some standard workouts here and there, but I need something fun and easy to fit in anywhere that I will actually do. I have a plan. I've found two playgrounds close to the kids school, and I plan to do some playground workouts before picking them up in the afternoons! I like playing on the playground at home with the kids, and can get pretty winded just chasing them around, so why not do the same without them? So what if I'll look super ridiculous trying to hoist myself up on those monkey bars or lunging along the curb? Who cares if I attract stares with sprints across the grass? I'm up for it. I actually think it will be a ton of fun.

2011-10-07T06:00:00.000-04:00

History

2011-10-06T21:51:00.000-04:00

I've heard from many people that 4 is the age when there is lots of curiosity and discussion about death. We have found that to be so true here - like a switch was flipped on the topic on her 4th birthday. It has been interesting because you never know when you will suddenly be in "that discussion".

Today was one of those days, and coincidentally, I had been thinking about how some of our family history might be shared earlier in the day. On the radio, there was an interview with one of the actresses who played a part in the series "roots". She was talking about how powerful it was to share the family stories with one another and pass them down through the ages, whether good or bad, happy or sad, and regardless of how disturbing they might be.

On the way home from school, the kids began to ask about my dad.
Who is your daddy?
His name is James.
Where is he?
He is not alive anymore, he died.
Why did he die?
Well.
He was really sick.
How sick was he? Was he really really really really sick?
He was so sick he did not want to live anymore.

And then it was quiet.
I said, "Everyone worries that their moms and dads will die." and Peanut said "I worry about that sometimes." So we talked a bit about how we both (mom and dad) want to be alive and are healthy and will be here as long as we can be.

And then the conversation moved on to other things like what Pumpkin ate for lunch.

Honey and I know that we have history to share, and while sometimes it may be worrisome or scary, it is important to us to be honest and tell our stories to our children as fully as we can. We also try hard to talk at the right level for their ages, so I know this will be a cyclical thing as their understanding increases. Honey has already had this discussion with Peanut before, and each time a new layer unfolds. It seems to be therapeutic for me in a way, sharing small bits of information, thinking about how best to clearly answer before I blurt my initial thoughts out. Their curiosity helps me sort out my own self. Parenting takes you places you didn't realize were out there, doesn't it?

Working Mama

2011-10-06T06:30:00.000-04:00

One of the really suprising things with this new transition back into the world of work is how much fun I am having. I really love my job. I truly enjoy figuring out each family and child. It's a little like a puzzle. What works best, what does everyone really need, how will this child learn best, how can we help them, and how can we clarify what we are doing? It's refreshing to focus on one child and one family in an objective and constructive way for an hour. And then shift gears to the next family for an hour. I get the chance to solve problems and bring up issues, and reflect with people all day. And of course, I get to play with babies! And, I'll pat myself on the back and say that I'm good at what I do. I feel competent at work, so on days when I feel like I am clueless at home, I can be good at something in the world and feel better about it all.

The bonus of all of this problem solving, reflecting, planning, and creativitiy is that I can relax at home and just have fun. Of course, I also drive around the county all day, so I have a chance to just listen to the radio or stop and log into the free wifi at the coffee shop too. So all my needs get met during the day and I recharge my engine. Filling my cup makes it possible for me to be a better parent. By the time I pick up ther kids in the afternoon, I am just ready to hear all about their day and do whatever they want to do since I've had all day "to myself". It's so funny how that works - that having fufilling work makes the rest of the week better and easier. So often, we assume work will be awful and boring, and for some people it really is. I wish everyone was able to do what they love all day long. I am so lucky really.

What to do with bottle caps...

2011-10-05T07:00:00.000-04:00

Why do we even get sucked into buying toys? Toy manufacturers jobs are to make us parents feel as though our kids need to have this or that so they will be smarter, do more, get ahead...etc. It's mind boggling. This time of year, I start to get questions from clients about the best toys for their child for the holidays. There is inevitably some relative who thinks that the child must have the latest talking robot alphabet learning signing fine motor classical music development toy.

Day after day, we find that less is more in our house. Magda Gerber espoused the idea that an active toy makes a passive learner and a passive toy makes an active learner. So true. We are a home of non-battery operated things, we have few toys out at once, all the art supplies are accessible to small hands at anytime, and the kids find ways to make complicated games out of the darnedest things. This morning and last night the big hits were a bunch of bottle caps and sweepers. Kept them occupied for a looooooong time. And they were cleaning up! Of course, dumping the caps back out again to clean them up, but still...

Those Crazy Kids

2011-10-04T06:49:00.000-04:00

I love my kids. Of course I am biased, but I think they have the funniest personalities, and I love to see them let it all out.

Inspiration

2011-10-03T06:39:00.000-04:00

At the kids new school, we have community work days where some of the teachers and parents get together to work on whatever needs doing. It seems that these days are inspiring us to finish projects at home as well! Yesterday we worked all morning at both school sites, and got back here with energy to spare. I cleaned up the tomato beds and finished a little planting that had been abandoned. The garden is now somewhat ready for the onions, kale, lettuce, and whatever else I can get in before it is REALLY too late to plant. Honey came back from the workday and completly cleaned up the utility and tool room. Then, he put Peanut's name on her bed in wooden letters that I painted like two years ago with the intention of putting them on her door. We felt like we had a super accomplished weekend and it was only Saturday!

Honey went to the first work day last month, and build a bird feeder garden there that I just loved. Of course, I wanted to build one here, and so a couple of weeks ago, we all set out to gather the supplies and build our own. The kids worked along with us, and got so black with dirt and mulch that we had to dip them in the tub and then drain and refill it before actually giving them baths. The garden turned out great, and we have lots of birds coming to visit. I think we have mostly thwarted the squirrels as well since we used only seeds they don't like or feeders that shut down wne they pounce! It's hard to see, but there is a tiny Japanese maple in the garden as well as a few herbs that needed dividing from our herb garden.

I wonder what next months work day will inspire us to do?

Blue

2011-10-02T06:24:00.002-04:00

For a while, I've had the idea of blue hair. In high school, I did the whole sun-in thing. I sat outside with beer, or lemon, or tea, or whatever was the "thing" that would make my hair super shiny and blonder. I used color foam with red sparkles. I did some random highlights and even later some actual hair dyes just for something different. I never went too far beyond my actual hair color though, which has changed naturally from strawberry blond, to blond, to red, to brown. So I had been thinking about doing something new, and blue streaks in my hair seemed just the thing. Months and months have gone by, and my hair dresser said no way, Honey just raises his eyebrows. I've done nothing really to satisfy this little rebellion in my head. Well, I did paint my nails blue and green but really.

So this week, when Pumpkin met me at the driveway of school with this fabulous blue head of hair, I was once again thrown into a spin. He seemed pleased with it, and checked himself out in the mirror when we got home with a big smile on his face.

I think it was the exuberance that went with the hair that I most envy. Maybe it is not the color at all, but the excitement and boldness of just running blue paint all over his head that I need to imitate. I was even a little reluctant to wash it out. He told me he "painted a lot with blue!" Yeah buddy, you sure did.

Anything

2011-09-17T20:08:00.000-04:00

From the back seat of the car, in a very sure voice I hear: "I'm going to be a mommy, doctor, mermaid, princess, dinosaur project, climber, team." Wow. Do you remember thinking things like that? I want to and can be anything at all. And even all of those things at one time. Why couldn't you be a rock climbing paleontologist mermaid? Or a doctor princess? I love it.

Fun!

2011-09-15T22:43:00.002-04:00

Well, after last week of being a sad boy at preschool, Pumpkin made a concious decision to enjoy himself this week. He told me he was going to have fun and he wasn't going to be sad. Not in the kind of conversation where I feed him lines and he agrees, but the kind of conversation that he starts completely on his own and I just listen and interject some "oh's, uh huh's, and mmm's".

On Monday, Honey drove Peanut to school, and Pumpkin was incensed that he was not going. He stood outside in his Bike helmet and underpants and cried and yelled that he wanted to go too. I wish I had thought to take a photo, but alas, you will have to image it. It was as amusing as it sounds.

So by Wednesday, he was pumped up. He had a great day playing, and today, he barely looked back to say goodbye. I had to ask for a hug and he reluctantly turned back for one. I need to plan on all my hugs and kisses as we get out of the car it seems as I am certainly not going to get them once we are inside! He told me all about his day and the other kids, and is excited for next week already. Whew.

Here's my boy as we killed time between Peanut's drop off and his - he can get really dirty in about a nanosecond...

Short

2011-09-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

It was overwhelming. There were hundreds of people, standing room only. He was 59, and running a triathlon when he felt ill. Within a very short time, he went into cardiac arrest. It was totally unexpected. During the service, people laughed and cried, smiled and winced. This man had touched so many people's lives - there were huge groups of people there from every connection, all stunned and sad. Over and over he was lauded as a man who made other people comfortable. A man who smiled and talked and spent time with and for other people. As I sat there, experiencing the rituals that comfort so many of us, and looked upon this sea of people, I couldn't help but think about my dad. Another man who touched many. Whose funeral was standing room only. Who worked hard to make other people comfortable. Who loved his children. Life is short people. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Smile. Listen. Be.

Disengaged

2011-09-11T21:07:00.003-04:00

The detachment of the present day human is amazing. Our family went together on some errands this afternoon. We went out to lunch, to the pet store, shoe store, and grocery store. We spoke with one another, via actual vocalizations, eye contact, gestural communication, and body language the entire time. I'm quite proud of that considering what was going on all around us.

There was a little girl, maybe 2 1/2 who was standing by the fish tanks in the pet store. She looked to be by herself, but Honey told me that he had seen her mom just a second ago texting while the girl tried to tell her something about the fish. Peanut and Pumpkin were enamored by the fish too, so we all stood there for a while and the girl started talking with us. We had a nice discussion about the orange fish and how they were like Andrew's (She seemed to feel we would understand that) and the minutes ticked by. No sign of mom or dad. I looked at Honey wide eyed. "Really?" Finally, her parents came around the corned and we laughed about the conversation I was having with their child. Ha Ha Ha. It's super amusing when your toddler talks to total strangers because you won't listen to them and you have left them alone in a store while you text.

So on to the shoe store. I used to think the little benches with the mirrors were for sitting on while you tried on shoes, but alas, I was mistaken. Those are the spaces for people who want to cut themselves off from the folks they are shopping with to text or post on facebook. I have never seen so many people sitting down and just typing on their phones in one store before. It seemed really weird to me. I guess you can still try on shoes while you text... As I rolled Pumpkin's stroller through the aisles, people were completely oblivious that they were taking up the whole aisle and we could not get by. More than once I turned back and headed around another way to get through the store. Seriously, do we need to be so focused on the little tiny boxes?

I'm sure there are sometimes when you really feel that you need to pull the phone out and text, post, email, whatever. But please, consider how your children perceive that. Consider how necessary it really is. Consider how you may be using it to avoid others. Consider how you may be neglecting what someone else needs. Consider how you may be seen as rude, or self absorbed. Consider the lost opportunities to be a social being. Pay attention to the people around you. Please.

Noah

2011-09-11T19:33:00.003-04:00

The rain last week was unreal - flash flooding, nonstop pouring rain for several days, roads closed, cars underwater. I kept singing songs from camp in my head - "It rained and poured for forty days-y days-y, drove those counselors_ nearly crazy crazy....." Well, it is drying out now and we have had no ill effects here, so we are very lucky. I went out today to get on the garden clean up, and decided to pull some of the seed heads off the marigold to save for next year. I've never seen anything like this - the seed heads got so much rain that the seeds in them started to sprout! Beware of what may grow in the next few weeks!

Sad sad boy

2011-09-08T21:55:00.001-04:00

Pumpkin and I have not had very much time apart in his two years. Yes, he spends part of a day each week with a nanny while I work, he's been to lots and lots of playgroups, has been in coop preschool with me while I taught or assisted, and has been (rarely) with other coop moms while I taught or assisted. He has not ever been dropped off with adults and children that he does not know for any length of time.

Peanut, as you know by now, is going to an amazing school that matches her personality really well and has already drawn her out of her shell. My thinking is that 1) I'm going to work to help pay for this, so I'd like to work at least some of the days she is at school. 2) It seems awfully silly to have the kids at two different schools or to have one home and the other in school. 3) He'll love it!

So my plan is that he'll go two days and she will go four. I'll work the two days they are both at school as well as the two other days I currently work. We'll continue with our nanny, and I'll have time with the kids in the weekday afternoons as well as Sundays, and I'll have time with just Pumpkin on Monday and Tuesdays. This all seems doable, except that he is super sad at school so far. I know I know, it's only day two, but his little sad face in the pictures from today is just killing me! He separated easily and I could leave without issue, but it looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown in all the pictures, and when I picked him up he was so very sad. I mentioned that our nanny would be here tomorrow and he even said "mommy I need you here with me!" which is unheard of as he loves when the nanny comes.

Now of course I am second guessing it all. Alternatives are flying around my head. Should I move all my Friday clients to Wednesday so I can be free to hang with the kids Fridays? Should I just keep him home for longer and not worry about working more? Should I just have him home and have a nanny two days while Peanut is at school? Should I carry on and hope that he will feel more comfortable next week? I feel like we should go on trying since it's so new, but still, my heart is in knots for the boy. Oh my sad little man. Sigh.

Maybe

2011-09-07T21:43:00.000-04:00

If there is one thing each of us can do each day to help the world it is to "be where they are". Whoever "they" are - your spouse, kids, the guy on the train, the checker at Trader Joe's, your best friend, your nemesis. We are constantly looking to make people do what we want, understand what we are saying, follow our lead or direction, be faster or slower, more or less accurate, friendly, whatever. It's all about us. What if we made it all about them? What if we went through the day, or even through a very small part of the day, with them in the front of our minds? What if we strive to understand, to listen, to really hear, to validate, to acknowledge, to smile with open eyes and hearts? What if we try to be where they are instead of make them get to where we are? What would it hurt? What would it help? Really how long would it take? I think we might all be surprised at how much slowing down, accepting and waiting might do to improve relationships, and really, your whole day. Try it now - try it tomorrow. When you find yourself becoming frustrated or anxious, or your breathing starts to speed up, or you find you are holding your breath, rolling your eyes, tapping your fingers, or heavily sighing, take a deep breath and change your perspective from how much this is all annoying you to what the other person may be feeling or thinking. Maybe that guy tailgating you has a kid at the hospital he is trying to get to. Maybe the checker is slow because she was up all night with her best friend who is getting divorced. Maybe the child kicking the back of your seat on the airplane just left his best friend in California. Maybe the waiter who got you meal all wrong is preoccupied waiting for test results from his biopsy. Maybe we can all cut each other some slack, and try to imagine that we are all doing the best we possibly can.

The First Day

2011-09-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

The first day, and I know I was more frazzled and wary than she was. I had been working all weekend on a million forms to fill out, snacks to bake, errands to run, breakfast and lunches to pack... Since this first week is all 1/2 days, Pumpkin and I are finding activities close by school, but that means I'm packing for a full morning for all of us.

With Peanut, we took it really low key - no photo ops, just some easy conversation about school starting. We talked about the kids who would be there and some who would not. We talked about how the teacher she had connected with this summer would be a mentor to the other teachers and she wouldn't see her as much. We talked driving there, and when I would be picking her up. All was well, and everyone was calm but anticipating the day.

She slept fine, got up snuggly, and as she got dressed, she got a little apprehensive. Suddenly, those pants were too small or too big, and she didn't want to wear them, and she didn't want this or that... I could have been annoyed, but I know she was concerned about it all. So I sat down and held her and talked about how most kids are worried on the first day of school. Most kids don't know everyone in their class or their teachers. I reminded her that she knew and liked some of the children, and she knew and really liked some of the teachers. I reminded her of the farm animals, the dragon tree, the space where all of her extra clothes will be, how she really enjoyed all of the outdoor time, and how she would surely get to use her new raincoat today. We found a new pair of pants, and she was ready to go.

She was slow to smile when we walked in, but the text I got in an hour or so said she was happily talking about her new bunk beds at breakfast. She was happy when I came to pick her up, and had drawn a picture of our playground at home for me. I heard about the rain, playing outside and getting her crocs all muddy. Not much, but I know I will hear more tomorrow morning on the way back to school.

We all crashed hard this afternoon - I even turned on the tube for the kids to veg since everything else seemed to be such hard work. Remember the last party you went to where you didn't know anyone? Remember how much work it was to make smalltalk and remember who was who? It drains you. Imagine how hard that must be for a little kid. We forget how much energy it takes to do this school thing, especially for someone who likes to be in comfortable, known situations like Peanut.

On to the next tomorrow - Pumpkin has his first day too. I'll stay for a bit, and he will have a shortened day to start getting used to the idea. I'll have to keep in mind that although I expect he will be fine and jump right in, I'll need to be patient and support him as well. Having two kids with such different personalities can throw you for a loop sometimes. We shall see what the morning holds!

Lots and Lots

2011-08-23T22:11:00.000-04:00

So it turns out that a side effect of eating really good food - and by that I mean real actual food that is unadulterated - is that what passes for many as a good meal out is rather disgusting. Since we are on vacation, and have been running about as tourists in our own backyard, we have been having lunch and dinner out. Our tummies were in an uproar the first two days especially (coincidence that we were in the land of biscuits, gravy, and fried, fried and more fried?), but these last two I've been really focusing on my menu choices and have been feeling much better. Less is more on the menu I think, and it is shocking how much restaurants seem to feel that more is more. My first chicken salad was gross - the dressing was super sugary and the lettuce was limp. My first night of shrimp was also gross - tasted like a whole packet of Lipton soup mix was on them. The next day was better, but still too much food, and a weak too light salad with "veggies" such as cucumber and tomato. Hmmmm - that's a regular salad. When you advertise veggies, I think you mean more. It's amazing what a difference the food makes. Today, we ate at the Museum of Natural History and it was the best chicken I've had so far (and I may have had chicken at most of my meals). They use real food, and make an attempt to use local and organic when possible. I am feeling better already with a day's worth of real food in my body.

I've also noticed that the kids menu choices are all things that I'm OK with the kids eating every once in a while, but certainly not every day. When deciding what to order, we've been editing our discussion of the menus a bit, seeking good kids options in the appetizers, and finding meals we can eat that they can have some of too. I'm generally pretending that there is no grilled cheese or pizza anywhere. Our waiters are getting used to me asking to "replace the F-R-I-E-S with some kind of veggie or fruit please". I've found it interesting that since our kids usually eat so well, we are able to use food as a drug. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that I have used sugar in the last few days to pump up their energy and get a bit more exploring out of them. But honestly, if they usually ate that kind of thing it wouldn't work! Using a sugar high to hike up a big hill - I think it's a valid choice.

Of course the major thing about eating out is the portion sizes. Who the hell eats all that? I've had two dinners where I ordered an appetizer as my meal, and one was way too big for dinner and the other was just about right. The meals themselves are enough for several people. The 1/4 chicken and two sides I had for lunch today got split between me and the kids and there were leftovers. Last night, we had the kids split a kids meal, and split a serving of yogurt and fruit between them. They ate a lot, but still didn't finish it all. I'm finding that when I order a salad with chicken on/in it, there is more chicken than a portion size - way more. Maybe you all already knew all this, but we eat out so rarely that this is all hitting me at once. I can't imagine that I could avoid putting on pound after pound if we continued on this way. It's clear to me where much of our obesity problem is being created.

That's a touching good story

2011-08-21T06:53:00.000-04:00

We tell a lot of stories here. I discovered the power of stories when Pumpkin was still very new and Peanut was struggling with all kinds of fears. We had the fear that animals would crawl into the mitten that Pumpkin lost while we were walking at the lake one day. We had the fear of a fox at the front door and a wolf at the back door. We had the complete and total non-participation at soccer and ballet class, which I assumed was some kind of fear at the time. With each of these, I became better and better at the stories.

Each night at bedtime, Peanut would ask for a story, and I'd make one up for her. Usually we would make the main character an animal or a little girl, dealing with the same kinds of things she had been having trouble with that day. We had a story about a fox who came to our garden to eat lettuce, and so we taught him how to grow his own garden in the woods. We had an alligator who was really worried about playing soccer, and didn't like the gym because he couldn't hear with all the echoing in the room. We had a nice family of bunnies who used a mitten as their home. We had some general stories about fun stuff too - a girl named Simone who played in the snow and then came in to have cocoa with her mom. Lots of stories about preschool...

At some point, she began to ask for particular stories, and then she began to develop the story with me. "Mama, tell me the Simone story." "Mama, tell me a story about Samantha going to school and Max's mommy picks us up." "Tell me a story about a fox." "Mama, tell me a story about Samantha playing in the sandbox all day." She'd pick things that she had either struggled with or wanted to do, and I'd start the story asking her clarifying questions along the way - "Did Samantha's mom and brother drive to school too?" "Did she play in the sandbox and the pool?".

Often, these stories have shed some light on what was a confusing mash of feelings and behaviors. You know, sometimes kids have all kinds of turmoil about stuff we just don't think twice about. Last night, Peanut was done with her diner (some food still on the plate) and went to ask her brother if she could have some of his chicken. She politely asked, he said no, and she asked again. He said no again, this time not so sweetly. I chimed in with something about him having already said no, and that she still had some food on her plate if she was hungry. She turned and with this very angry face started telling me that "You don't say anything! You don't get to read me books! I'm going to bed!" and stomped off. A few minutes later, I went into her room and she was tucked into bed with a sullen look on her face. I started to tell a story. "Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a little brother. She mostly liked him, but sometimes he really got on her nerves. One night..." When I got to the part about her being so frustrated that her mom and dad always took his side, her eyes grew big. When I got to the part about her mom coming into her room after she had stomped out of the kitchen, I got a little smile. When I got to the part about the little girl being the light of her mom's life, and that her mom was working really hard to make sure that everyone in the family gets what they need and knows they are loved, I got a hug.

A few minutes of very powerful stuff. Try it - you might be really surprised at where it leads.

Another chapter

2011-08-20T22:23:00.000-04:00

Honey has been doing his masters degree at night, and I have filled up my evenings with lots of tasks in order to keep myself busy and not constantly bother him. Well, he is finally done with school, and I haven't yet wrapped my head around the fact that I will have a husband once again! I am so used to my routine, that I am not even sure how it should change or what I can let go in order to create more "us" time. I do some work at night that I could move to a bit earlier, and of course the time spent on random computer tasks can be cut pretty easily. Some other stuff needs to be thought through - food prep can maybe be done during the day with the kids... But clearly, I will need to streamline my evening to take advantage. It seems a bit crazy that I'm even thinking about this, but really, I'm worried we will continue to sit back to back at our computers and I'll not want to bother him since he's "working".

To help make the transition, we are taking a whole week for just our family. We'll be doing some day trips and touristy things around the area - things that we have been talking about for a long time and never gotten to do. It should be great fun and very exciting, but since we have never really done this, I'm a little apprehensive about all of this togetherness. It's too early in our children's lives to have gotten so wrapped up in their stuff that we completely forget about ours - like empty nesters who no longer have anything to talk about when their kids move out. On the other hand, we have had a project of some sort (together or individually) for most of our marriage, and this will be the first time that we are project free and are just living. I wonder if we will get back to those deep conversations like those late nights early in our relationship. I think I'd like that.

So this week, we have crazy plans - all kinds of dinosaur related outings, zoos, hiking, butterflies... we are trying to cram it all in, have fun doing it, and continue our potty learning journey (day 5 I think of underpants!) with Pumpkin all at the same time. We even have a night out just for us planned mid week. I think we are asking for a lot, but as long as we can all relax and remember that this is a vacation and if we just don't make it to all of the planned stops, it's totally OK. We've already decided that if we miss some stuff we really want to do, that we will actually plan it for another time. I think it just seems like we have to get everything done in this week since we never have had any other time to do these kinds of touristy stuff. I need to remember that we will not have the issue of Honey having to get home and write a paper or whatever. It seems crazy to be stressed about all of this - OK, it doesn't seem crazy - it actually is crazy. I'm going to go lie down and breathe and relax about our vacation!

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-08-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

Perfection

2011-08-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

This morning during Bikram yoga class, I had a little revelation. I was in Savasana or corpse pose, and the instructor started talking about how in the pose the urge is to scratch the itch, wipe the sweat, fix your hair or clothes or mat, and tuck and pull and reorganize, but that you are supposed to just be and rest and allow all of the urges to go unchecked. For whatever reason, at that moment I understood that unconditional love is just that. Accepting all of the things you have an urge to fix, and loving what is instead of what could be with one more little nudge. Cognitively, I knew this already, but today it hit me at a deeper level, and I've been thinking about it all day.

Why do we try to be perfect? Where does the idea come from that it is at all possible? I know I am a perfectionist in some (OK, many) ways, but is it just inherently who I am? Did I learn it somehow? Can I change it? Can I accept myself and love "what is" perfectionism and all? I'm struggling a lot with this lately not just for myself, but for Peanut. She has a tendency to want to "do right" and becomes pretty tiger like when something goes wrong. I wonder if I am helping her become that way. I wonder if she will be 40 before she understands that it is not necessary to be perfect or right all the time. I'm hoping both of my children know unconditional love, and can move beyond perfect to be themselves.

Mmmmm

2011-08-09T14:31:00.000-04:00

We do an awful lot of eating around here. For two pretty small kids, Pumpkin and Peanut can really pack it away. So it's no surprise that their favorite games are all food related. We usually have a few baby dolls joining us at the table for real and pretend meals. Very often, there is something being brewed in the kitchen downstairs that we all must try. We now have a restaurant called "Restaurant Peach". I had a lovely meal and the service was excellent, although some of the meal preparation practices are questionable. Do try it if you are in the area.

Proof that it gets better

2011-08-09T14:19:00.000-04:00

A friend with a 4 year old and one on the way recently asked me if it was really hard at the beginning. As I began to answer, I realized that I was really downplaying the troubles, and when I first started talking, I even said that it wasn't too hard. Mid sentence, I had waves of memories washing over me, and had to start my answer all over. It was hard. So hard that I am just now coming out of the fog, and feeling like I am begining to have some fun again. So hard that I still cry over the things I said and did in those early days. So hard that I am amazed we are all intact and loving one another. So hard that I still have trouble forgiving myself for not having enough love to go around, or enough patience, or enough time, or enough energy, or enough...anything.
The thing is though, that while I wanted to tell her it would be fine, because it will, I didn't want to gloss over it all. So I did say what was hard for me that I hadn't expected, and what I think I would have done differently if I could go back. I wish I'd had more of that, and I wished I'd listened and understood. I just don't think you can though until you are there. I had a pretty easy time with just one child - really - it was all roses and rainbows. Yeah there were hard moments, but overall, I was a competent mom with a great kid, a fun flexible job, some time for myself, and time with my Honey. Who knew that once we added another bundle in, I'd become so stressed, un-fun, overly emotional, overly protective, and just generally blah? Some people seamlessly glide into having multiple kids. Maybe my friend will be one of them - I sure hope so.

The silver lining here though is that my first response to her was that having a second child was not that hard. I never thought I'd be in a place where all of the difficulty faded enough to allow me to remember the positives first. Well, here I am and thank goodness for that.

Buzzzzzzz

2011-08-07T21:55:00.000-04:00

Our sun room will be awesome someday. Right now, it is a very hot, not at all insect proof mess. We have all kinds of animals show up in there. We've had several sparrows, some hummingbirds, lots of bees and wasps, moths of course, a butterfly or two, and plenty of interesting spiders.
Recently, we have been noticing (how can you miss the really?) cicada killer wasps flying around in there. I haven't yet found their nest, but there is at least one by our windows every day. I think they are getting stuck or else they are already on their last legs since it seems that they drop dead within 24-48 hours of being in there.

This week, there were two or three in the sunroom at once, and it seemed that they were attacking a butterfly that had gotten waylaid as well. The drama outdoors makes for interesting viewing - thank goodness it has given us something to do when it is super hot in the afternoons!

A Big Decision

2011-07-25T21:33:00.000-04:00

being the "Princess and The Pea"

I'd do anything for this little person.

So when after a few days of camp at the fabulous nature immersion Reggio Emilia based school I have been lusting after, we realized that she was happy, more excited, more creative and direct at home. During camp, she was talking more with the people there in four days or so than with some folks she has known for years. We had to lay it on the table. This was an excellent match, and soon other things dropped into place to make this an unavoidable truth.

The kids at camp did a lego project when it was boiling hot outside, and she talked about her creation for a full 4 minutes (it was recorded) while there were a lot of other conversations going on in the room. There are lots of people who have never heard Peanut talk for this long. Maybe not even more than one or two words at a time. This is a big deal. Then, after Honey dropped her off at camp on Friday, he told me it was "a really cool school! I'd like to get a tour next time!". Ummmm.....I have gone twice for an open house and waxed poetic about it. When I mentioned this and asked him if he thought I was just getting excited about a regular school he said yup. So - note to self - next time be more forceful with things that are awesome.

We signed her up for another week of camp, and then sat down to discuss the future. We talked with Peanut about her playgroup and homeschool preschool group, and how she felt about missing those things if she went to school. She was fine with it all, and adamant that Pumpkin could do all of those things while she was a school and it would be just fine with her. Wow. After lots of pros and cons and questions and answers emailed back and forth from the school, we couldn't deny it. We needed to send her.

So life, it is shifting. With a big change in our daily routine, lots of help and support from Peanut's grandma and goose (great grandma) as well as me adding some more hours at work, we are going to make this work. How could we not?

Bounty

2011-07-25T21:03:00.001-04:00

What happens when zucchini hide...

Our first melon of the season. We've been waiting and hoping to get to it before the squirrels...

It was really good too!

Black eye peas - labor intensive but easy to grow.

My solution to the squirrels that are eating all of our tomatoes before I can pick them. I'd prefer vine ripened but I will take whatever I can get right now.

Oh Love!

2011-07-25T10:13:00.000-04:00

There are so many small moments that I want to remember - I can sort of understand why people do the reality TV thing. I'd love to have a camera crew around at all times to capture that one small moment that just makes your heart melt, or causes you to burst out laughing, or makes you realize how much your children have grown.

This weekend, I pulled the little guy into bed with me when he woke up in the wee hours. He (and his Bitty Baby of course) snuggled in between me and Honey, but he had no intention of going back to sleep. He started talking, and at some point, he started pointing to my eyes and nose, and labeling everything. We giggled back and forth for a while about how many eyes or noses we had, and just made goofy faces. Then he said "I like yours eyes. I like your nose. Mama, I like yours everything." and gave me this big floppy grin. Oh, the love. Remind me to read this when he is 13...

Superhot

2011-07-20T21:57:00.001-04:00

It's icky sticky and hot. Even at 6am, just laying on the ground doing crunches I have sweat dripping off me. It's quite gross.

So it seems like the perfect time to cool off in the pool or the sprinkler. Yeah, well, our pool seems to be a mosquito larvae haven, and after a few days the water just gets nasty anyway. That will teach me to buy a kiddie pool that is big enough to need a filter. Peanut loves the big pool, Pumpkin does not. And we don't have a neighborhood pool, so going in the "big pool" means inviting ourselves over to someones house. The sprinkler is another story - Pumpkin is completely distressed about the sprinkler and won't go near it even when we are just watering the garden. Peanut likes the sprinkler, but is pretty choosy. She is at camp this week, and the kids were running through the sprinkler when I got there to pick her up. Well, all the kids aside from her that is. She told me that she "that sprinkler was different and I only like our sprinkler". So she was pretty hot when I got her in the car. She decided to ride home naked, and then climb a tree. Funny way to beat the heat!

The New Babies

2011-07-20T20:51:00.000-04:00

Our kids know that stores are places where people buy things, and the know that we are not going to every purchase everything (or anything for that matter) that they are drawn to as we shop. We've routinely gone out and had folks comment on how amazing it is to see little kids walk past toys and dolls without a tantrum, saying "oh - someone else will buy that".

So when Peanut discovered the American Girl catalog in the mail, we were a little wary, but not really concerned. She and Pumpkin thought it was a book about babies for several days, and then someone spilled the beans. Once she learned it was a store where you could actually see and purchase all of those beautiful girls and babies she was completely smitten. The two of them spent the next several days discussing which baby they wanted ( they had narrowed it down to the babies rather than the girls - thank goodness since they are like half the price!) and making sure Honey and I were well aware of their wishes.

At some point, Peanut began a campaign to convince Pumpkin to want a certain doll, clearly since she planned to do a friendly takeover once they got them home. We were having none of that though, and nipped those discussions in the bud. We did agree to go over to the store on Saturday to look at the babies, and I thought she would fly she was so excited to hear it.

Honey and I discussed what we were willing to do, and decide that if each child wanted a baby doll, we would allow it. I just hate being a lemming, and to me, this seems like a fad that "everyone does" just because. It's like the Cabbage Patch kids when I was a kid, the Tickle me Elmo nonsense, and whatever other crazy stuff kids "have to have" every Christmas. But, Peanut was truly excited, as was Pumpkin, and who are we to take that joy away from them? It's not like we go out and cater to every commercial whim they have. And babies are the be all end all for my little girl - she could play babies all day long.

So off to the store, and it really couldn't have been any more wonderful. Peanut had brought one of her other babies, and as she said goodbye to her, she told her "When I come back, I'll bring you a new friend!". Once in the store, She picked out her baby right away, and was beaming. I asked Pumpkin if he was interested in one too or if he just wanted his sister to get one. He clearly wanted his own baby and chose quickly. We paid, went to dinner, and the kids had the babies out of the boxes in the car. They snuggled them and played with them all the way home, the whole next morning, and every spare moment since then. This is the first item that Pumpkin has allowed in his bed as a "lovey", and he cares for his new baby "Tiny" beautifully, changing her diaper, keeping her safe, taking her on walks, and introducing her to friends. Peanut has named hers Emily Samantha, and has been very focused on her well being. She has had a birthday, gone to the doctor, and has her own bedtime routines. All in all, a purchase well worth making.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-07-15T07:00:00.000-04:00

Boot Camp

2011-07-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

Boot Camp. Yes, that is the current plan. Why? We have a full gym in our house! We have a neighborhood with sidewalks! We have hiking trails all over the place! We have almost every workout DVD known to man!

Well, it's because I've gotten pretty lazy really. I know I could get up and do P90X or jump on the elliptical, or run with the dog, but I'm not doing it. I'm coming up with all kinds of rationalizations to let myself off the hook and just lay there. I was getting pretty disgusted with myself, and I saw this deal from Groupon for a month of boot camp... and voila!

The first day (I did a demo class two weeks ago to be sure I really wanted to do it) we ran. We did sprints, hills, and all kinds of things that reminded me of high school track practice. I was also reminded that I ran around 7 miles a day in college for fun without anyone telling me to. For God's sake I was a freaking personal trainer/aerobics/pilates/step instructor until a few years ago! All this running was really hard, but I wasn't the last one finishing up, and was pumped up to do more.

I'm finding that I can do way more than I thought - I'm actually pretty strong and fit - I'm just carrying around some extra fuel in case I might need it in a crisis. Every day is a bit different - bands, sprinting up and down stairs, push ups, crunches, leg throw downs, whatever.

What's been interesting is that I work way harder for one trainer than the other. I've got two trainers who alternate days, and I've realized that with one of them I slack off quite a bit. As I thought about it, they have different ways of teaching, and different ways of speaking - one says "take another lap!" hands me a weight while I'm doing crunches, adds a step into an exercise I've got down pat, and otherwise throws an extra something at me. The other says "I'd do another lap", and sees that I'm doing an exercise right and leaves me alone. So I end up relaxing in one class and surprising myself with what I can do in the other.

As I thought about this on my way home this morning, I realized that I am working hard for them - the trainers - and I should be working hard for me! The point of this month is to get a kick in the pants and remind myself how great it feels to work out hard, not to create a dependence on someone telling me what to do. Starting tomorrow, the work is all for me. I'm adding on, pushing, and modifying as I need to and want to to make myself work as hard as I can so I'm impressed with myself. The hell with impressing anyone else. Ah, the psychology of body conditioning - so interesting. I'm learning things about myself in the oddest of ways...

Thinking long Range

2011-07-10T07:21:00.000-04:00

I've realized that I am just plain scared of emotions. Mine, my kids, people in general. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say or just don't want to deal with it so I ignore them. It's funny, because at work I am the first person to identify and discuss the emotional components of raising kids, and am more than able to help families to problem solve their frustration, anger, sadness, etc. Of course it's way easier to see things objectively when you are not one of the main players.

Lately, I've been realizing that in order to be a better mom, I need get more than OK with being in the muck of a mess of emotions, and get used to figuring out my own emotional responses to every ones feelings. I'm pretty decent at validating feelings, but my own crap definitely gets in the way of going any further than that. My first inclination when I hear crying or whining is annoyance. Partly because I have learned that if it is coming from one person in particular, it means that a dress is too hot, or the baby doll's diapers don't fit right or the pillow has fallen, or she needs a tissue, or something else that could easily be done without an adults assistance, but for whatever reason must be giving the blessing of an adult. I go back over our early years as brand new parents and try to figure out this helplessness and I keep coming back to the rules we set. Many of them I think made it hard for her to see what she could do on her own, and in fact "broke" her of her independent streak. But clearly, there is some element of personality there as well. I also know that before the kids were truly talking, I had way more patience for all of it. I was easily able to translate, validate, support, empathize. Once they could talk though, my expectations increased. They should be able to say what they want, needs, feel, etc. Of course I know that is not true - really who can even do all that all the time as an adult?

So the past few weeks have been a learning experience. I had this crazy set of personal, public, and random events all at once, that has caused things to come together for me on so many levels, and pushed me towards making some changes. With me, there are always a few books in the mix of any change, and this is no exception. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is one that had been recommended so often I felt it was a necessary read. I had just read The Work a few weeks ago, so Aldorts ideas were not new, but they helped translate The Work to parenting for me. The basic idea is that you are in control of your own thoughts which are what make you feel bad or good. It's not that other things or people make you feel one way or another, it's all you. I've been asking myself "is it true" about all of my self talk, and finding that mostly, it's not. You can decide how you want to be and who you want to be that is not who you are with your "story" - the old assumptions, roles, traits, etc. that you played in your family growing up, at work, or wherever else you might have been labeled one way or another. With Aldorts version of the Work, you as a parent, teacher, mentor, help children process through their feelings and thought in a similar way. You give voice to their feelings without creating added drama or putting your own spin on it, and allow them to do what they will with them.

Allowing kids to have and live through their emotions. That's pretty messy. Not putting your own hat in the ring. Really hard. And hearing what comes up when you do this - super super scary. We've already had several discussions about dying, a few about wanting to be a baby again and hating one's siblings. One really really long day where it came out that Peanut was afraid that I didn't love her anymore after Pumpkin was born. A big blow up about hating home school preschool, and some other smaller things as well. It's all on, all the time. The upside is that we are all talking more and allowing ourselves to feel. Of course, that can be a downside as well, since we are really opening up all kinds of vulnerabilities.

This is all a ton of work, but really what is my goal. Mental health for everyone. Skills at conflict resolution, standing up for oneself, compassion, empathy, comfort in one's emotional and the ability to listen to what you really want and need. I've said before (only maybe half joking) that I want my kids to be able to be on the couch later in life talking about something other than what I talk about on the couch. I at least want to move them forward rather than hand over my stuff to them. I'm feeling like we are headed in that direction.

Still Here...

2011-07-10T06:43:00.000-04:00

I've clearly been away from blogging lately - but I'm still here! I've been struggling to get back to some version of myself and it's taking a bit of my time. I do realize though that blogging and writing in general as pretty therapeutic for me, so I'm expecting you'll hear a bit more from me now that I am starting to get back into the swing of it all.

So what have I been up to?

I started "boot camp" this past week - I'm getting up before the rest of the family to join a bunch of other people in a parking lot so we can work out as the sun rises. I'm loving it, but it has created a whole new schedule and system for me so lots of things have gone by the wayside - some intentional and some not.

I also have been really focusing on spending time with the kids. Yeah, I am home with them most of the time, but I'm talking about really being with them. Playing on the floor, discussing life and their worries, helping them negotiate with each other and be kind. I've been trying to make light of stuff I would have been annoyed with in the past, and just loving my babies.

I've been reading :)
I have had so many great books in my hands lately, fiction and non, and I am remembering what it is like to be so immersed in a book that I walk around the house with it hoping for a moment to read another few pages.

I've been considering who I am and who I wish to be. The parts of me that has fallen away that I wish I'd kept, and the parts that are still here and I'm wondering what possessed me to maintain that. I'm recognizing (seems like a bit of deja vu) that choices can be made by me or for me, and everything is a choice.

I've been dealing with a friendly bunny who insists that our string bean teepee is his cafeteria. Thank goodness we have planted a bit more than we need...

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-07-01T07:00:00.001-04:00

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

A little polish

2011-06-28T13:56:00.000-04:00

I was always that annoying person who would say things like "if you are not enjoying yourself, then you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you are doing" and "just smile and you will feel better". I used to just do all kinds of things because they made me happy - lots of art, outdoorsy stuff, reading, learning new things... I was always seeing how people who took themselves too seriously get into a mess of trouble and stress. I do have a tendency to be over analytical and serious, and clearly being a parent has pushed me over the edge. I've gotten so focused on parenting that I've all but given up on my own interests, and lots of things are just a chore for me or have just gone completely by the wayside. I haven't been hiking in forever, can't remember the last time I went to hear live music, I have no clue what is going on in the ice hockey world, and haven't picked up more than a magic marker for art in some time. I do still garden, and while I used to love home improvement projects, I got a little burned out on those.

I realized the other day how dire the situation actually is. Peanut came up to sit on my lap while I was reading this blog post which had me hysterically laughing. She watched my face carefully, and started to smile too. Then she kept asking me to go back to the picture of the big chicken and laugh. Later that day, and then again the next day, she brought up that "funny metal chicken" and wanted me to laugh again. I realized then, that she was trying to get me to laugh that hard again because it is such a rare occurrence lately. Really really sad.

Yesterday, I felt like I just wanted to rebel. I'm 40, but I had this huge urge to go out and get a new piercing of some sort, dye my hair magenta, and just do all the things that this "good girl" never did. So it's clearly time to put the fun back into all of it and stop being so serious. Last night I actually went out for drinks with some girlfriends, which is priceless. Just being able to sit and relax and talk about anything without being concerned about little ears is a magical thing. This morning the kids and I painted our nails - they got the nontoxic calmer colors and I broke out my old greens and blues. It was amazing how much a little blue polish and some New Order (yep - it was a cassette tape!) playing in the car can do to make me smile. After a morning of splashing with the kiddos at our friends pool, and now with two kids napping soundly, things are looking up.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-06-17T07:00:00.001-04:00

Neat and tidy

2011-06-12T20:14:00.000-04:00

The weeds had been taking over the yard for a while, and we were trying to keep it under control, but it was a seriously losing battle. We finally decided to hire landscapers to cut and mulch new and old garden beds to make our yard more cohesive and yes, give us far less grass for Honey to mow.

The kids got to watch the big machines (Pumpkin really loves these big trucks, big dirt, big mulch, and the big guys) all day. I loved that Pumpkin wore butterfly wings as her shouted about the big truck and Peanut made mulch with paper scraps that she cut up and strew all over the house.

So now I am chomping at the bit to expand my perriennial borders and add some more fruit trees :) Had it not been so freaking hot today, I suspect I would have come home fromt he garden center with a truckful of new plants! I'm so excited to fill all this new space and so pleased with how neat and professional it looks! I kind of can't believe it is my yard!

Be free Tripod!

2011-06-12T20:03:00.000-04:00

We spent a good part of Monday afternoon looking for turtles. We found a goose, and a catrillion lily pads, but nary a turtle. Luckily, the kids babysitter had a box turtle crawling around here yard, and she brought him to visit on Friday! He has three legs, and thus was called Tripod. Friday while I was at work, the kids had him swimming in the pool and crawling on the playground. When I arrived home, there was a turtle in the kitchen, and the kids were really, really excited about him.

So he hung out here for a few days, getting pampered with apple slices, blueberries, lettuce, parsley, egg shells, and a bit of chicken. I knew it was time for him to go though when he hoisted himself up into the broccoli bed in the garden to hide - that's serious - it's like 8 inches high. We had had several conversations about where turtles belong and why it is sad for them to be captive when they were previously wild. Everyone agreed to release him in the pond nearby, although Pumpkin said he was "sad about Tripod turtle" with his little pout. Off to the pond this morning, and the kids waved as he swam out to meet new friends. We will go visiting I'm sure...

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - turtle hunt

2011-06-10T21:35:00.000-04:00

Feelings

2011-06-09T21:01:00.000-04:00

I am an emotional person. I cry at the drop of a hat - commercials, songs, books, blogs, any kind of ceremony or ritual, I am overwhelmed by emotions (happy and sad) that make me cry. I have been wondering about this lately. Why? Why do I cry? Why in a room full of people who seemingly feel, am I the only one leaking? At a child blessing ceremony the other day, I was overcome with tears almost the moment it began. I feel as if I let myself cry, it will be one of those loud sobbing cries rather than a dignified friendly cry, so I try to hold it all inside. And therein lies the answer. Holding it in, makes me more primed to cry as it were.

As I've been thinking on this, I've realized that a huge part of my emotionality has to do with what people are saying. I'm so blown away by the things people say out loud. Things about their beliefs and how they want to raise their children, and how they see the spiritual and religious worlds meld with their parenting. I'd feel so vulnerable if I were saying things like these to a room full of people, and I am in awe of their comfort and freedom in doing so. I've always felt like a very sensitive person, but can put up a pretty good front so that I look unflappable. I think these occasions where I hear others saying what I do not, give me an opportunity to come as close to stating my feelings out loud as I ever have.

It's not that I don't like or honor my feelings. I love stumbling upon a song whose lyrics speak to me, and let me know that I am really not the only person who has ever felt that way before. I love reading a passage in a book that beautifully states how something looks or feels. I love music for musics sake, and can find myself crying with just a hauntingly beautiful melody. There are prayers and religious songs that touch me as well, even if I don't understand the words, the tune literally strikes a chord. I've just not ever been comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve so to speak. For a long time, I was the girl who does what is expected of her, happily or begrudgingly, but not often with an open discussion of why I did or didn't want to do it. It's been a learning curve to acknowledge and identify that I want or need or feel something other then what I "should", and clearly still a larger leap to be public about it. Baby steps. Right now, I'm just trying to unclench my jaw and let whatever comes out come.

Strawberries

2011-06-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

last year berry picking

Last year, I went with Peanut and some of her friends to pick strawberries while Pumpkin stayed home with Daddy. She was surprisingly good at picking the berries and putting them in her basket vs. her mouth, and we got a huge take - enough for plenty of fresh eating, smoothies, and yogurt toppers for quite some time. The farm was as natural and plain as we could get - a big field of berries and weeds with a little farm stand - that's it. We picked, we picnicked, we went home. She still talks (fondly!) about the ants crawling all over her feet when she stepped on the ant hills to pick the biggest berries. It was totally my speed - just one activity, nice and chill.

Come on!

This year, we had the opportunity to go with friends to a big, busy farm to pick our berries. I'm not one to pack a ton of activities into a day - I like to take it easy and focus - but this place had a ton of other stuff to do. There were animals to see, a big jump pillow, a spot to get lunch, etc., etc., etc.. I figured we'd go and pick some berries and see how we were all feeling about doing anything else. Well, it was ridiculously hot, there were a ton of school field trips, and we had to wait for almost 45 minutes to get a hayride out to the field. That's after waiting in line to pay the entrance fee and to buy a few buckets. Crabbiness set in, Pumpkin started getting clingy, and I thought about turning around and heading home. Once we got on the wagon though, we had renewed interest in the day.

mmmmmm!

empty bucket, messy face

In the fields, Peanut continued on her previous streak of picking and saving from last year. She could have filled several huge buckets in no time flat, but me trying to maneuver two kids and many pounds of berries on a hayride was not my goal. Pumpkin on the other hand would put a few in his bucket and then stand there eating them. I encouraged Peanut to fill Pumpkins basket too, and soon we were all filled up. With the heat and the rapid berry picking and eating, we were done with this pretty quickly. We caught the wagon back, paid for our berries and decided to stick around for lunch. During lunch the kids climbed up a a little wall to see some emus (maybe?) and ran around a bit in the fields. My two were winding down, and we bailed before they could get any ideas about the jump pillow or whatever else there is to do out there. I'm glad too, because the act of getting out of there complete with a diaper change/potty stop along with the several buses of school children almost made me lose my cool. A sweet mom at the bathroom door reminded me to breathe - thank you mama. Once in the car and back on the road, our pace went back to normal and we enjoyed the scenic route home.

It's interesting to me that I have such an aversion to things like this. The rushed pace rubs off on me - just hearing people hurrying their children along causes me to hurry even though I have no where I need to be. Dealing with the hayrides causes me to be unfocused, keeping one eye and ear out for the wagon instead of being present in the moment. I get easily annoyed and overwhelmed by it all, and keeping tabs on both kids in a little craziness never helps. I think this gives me a little more insight into how Peanut sometimes sees the world. I can understand how she just has to turn it all off for a while. I am glad we went though, as I've felt funny not wanting to go somewhere that so many people seem to really love. I think I will stick with my fields of berries and weeds though.

Sweet

2011-06-05T20:07:00.000-04:00

It's days like these that I wish I had my camera crew! We spent the whole afternoon outdoors, me and Honey working in the yard and the kids playing with their babies. Watching them create and imagine is always fascinating, but today they were particularly sweet, holding hands and snuggling their babies throughout whatever they were playing. It looked and sounded like they were driving to a play date at the park and maybe to the doctor. I'm sure if I had gone in to get the camera it would have ended, and really how much of that can you truly capture? So here's a sweet picture from the farmers market last week instead - that same sweetness I've been seeing all day!

testing, testing

2011-06-02T19:25:00.001-04:00

It's nearly impossible to not think about why I would be asking each question, what I'd be thinking with each answer, and analyzing the reasoning for each method or tool they are using. It's really tough to be sitting in another room while total strangers administer evaluations and tests, and not wonder how much she is or isn't doing, and whether they are making assumptions (of course they are) about her actual ability based on this one moment in time. It's hard when you have to lay out your whole family history on the table and the evaluator says "wow". As much as I know, about kids, about this process, about myself and my child, there is nothing I can do to make this easier. This whole thing is making me analyze and over analyze everything, which of course is not at all helpful to anyone. My child is my child, and remains the same child regardless of the words and numbers that are put on those pages. I've been on the other side of that table and I know they have her best interests at heart, but boy does this put all the evaluations I have done with other families in perspective. Humility. The word of the day.

Broccoli continued...

2011-05-27T13:20:00.000-04:00

I have to follow up on the broccoli...
So we ate that wonderful broccoli for dinner on Wednesday - it was delish - and as we ate, we talked about how broccoli must be harvested before it blooms. Peanut was curious about it so we continued the conversation about how we eat the buds before they become flowers. Suddenly, she jumped up from the table and said she was tired and ran into her room. Honey followed to help get her ready for bed, and I heard her crying and crying. He came back and said she only wanted to talk to me, so I went into her room and sat with her. I asked her why she was so sad all of a sudden, and she said "I don't want to eat that broccoli!" oh so tearfully. So I said, that she didn't have to, but it looked like she had enjoyed it and I wondered aloud what happened to make her so sad and upset about eating the broccoli. "I don't want flowers to bloom in my stomach and make holes!" she wails. Well. It was all I could do to keep a straight, concerned face, as I comforted her. Oh the terrors of being almost four!

We pulled out her "body book" (I got it at a yard sale for free! It has layers of the different body systems and she loves it!) and looked at the digestive system. I told her about how her stomach churns and squishes food to get the nutrients out and send them off to the other parts that need them. I said that once food gets into your stomach, it stops growing and starts feeding you. She began to giggle about plants growing in her belly and all was right with the world.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Joy

2011-05-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

Books, Books, and More Books!

2011-05-25T15:17:00.000-04:00

At any given moment I am probably reading around six books. I've always been a voracious reader, and love to not only lose myself in a good novel, but love to learn new things from books as well. I'm in a book club that has been meeting every month for about 15 years - yes, that's 15 YEARS. It all started as an excuse to drink wine and eat cheese, and we surprised ourselves with how much we had to talk about related to the book. Our one rule for the book club is that the picks must be fiction, so I have to do my non fiction reading on my own time. Anyone who knows me knows that I'll often say "I read somewhere..." in response to almost anything. Base don one book recommendation, I'll read all of the other titles by that author and then the books they recommend as well. And so it goes. At least I've switched over to mainly library books, as it was getting pricy to be a bookworm. I've been getting some books on half.com as well. I am a little curious about Honey's Nook though, and even though I said I'd never use one since I like the feel of a book, I'll admit that it is really cool. So anyway, I thought it might be fun to see what is currently on my nightstand... What are you reading right now?

Usually the ones on the top are current reads - I'm probably part way through 3 of these right now and finished with the one on top - The Postmistress - since it is a bookclub book and we meet tomorrow.

Front of the middle shelf - stuff I have started and put down, or know that there is something I want to reference for later...like Carrots Love Tomatoes

These are in the back of the middle shelf - reference books, magazines, books borrowed from others...

More reference books - with a small person's foot on them :)

Broccoli!

2011-05-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

Here's the first one! Woohoo!

And there are several more heads growing - my first successful broccoli!

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Babies

2011-05-20T06:30:00.001-04:00

Really Important Things

2011-05-18T21:16:00.003-04:00

He is on a mission...

Searching

2011-05-13T15:50:00.000-04:00

I grew up in the Northeast. Fast talking. Busy. Very important. Always trying to get ahead. Art was in museums. Only the best ones. No one listened to country. Few people I knew went regularly to church or temple. I felt like believing in a religion, in God, was beneath me somehow. Like I was "better than" because I wasn't following the herd, even though, of course, I was in that I wasn't - see?

After some trials and tribulations that were bound to come with the choices I made, I went off into the woods and found my religion. The sunrise in the Smokies, the towering pines, the mist underneath me when I was on top of a mountain. The awesomeness of it all made me feel small and shrunk my troubles to a manageable size. I believed then that I was held. Protected. Loved. The closest to God that I have ever come.

I am feeling a need to experience this again. To feel safe. To believe. To give over everything and be free of the thinking. To walk for miles, days, and listen to the world. To see beauty in everything. I've been here for almost 20 years now, and while I am certainly not in the true South, I am influenced by the people, music and culture here and beyond. I'm thankful for it's (relatively) slower pace. I have found myself listening to country and "feeling" it. I'm drawn to the way people see God in nature. I'm wanting I guess, some magic. I know it is here, perhaps I just need to open my eyes.

Up he goes!

2011-05-13T15:27:00.002-04:00

What is a mama to do. He is scrambling!

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Blooming

2011-05-13T15:22:00.002-04:00

Playing together!

2011-05-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

We have reached the moment - the kids playing together - really playing together and coming up with imaginary games and rules and roles - that I have been waiting for. I'm hoping it will continue for a while and not be a fleeting moment of bliss. They have been playing "shop" under the barstools. One sells to the other for "cash and money" and then they switch. Their store sells clothes, treats, food, and all kinds of other stuff.

They have also been doing lots of play with their baby dolls. This afternoon they had them out playing chalk and learning to walk in the front yard. The other day they were teaching them to use the potty.

It's really amusing when Peanut tells a story about what her girl likes or doesn't and then ends with "ah, I didn't know that about her!" as though her girl is unfolding her personality the way my little ones seem to be.

Every Day

2011-05-08T15:59:00.005-04:00

I really dislike the idea of setting aside a day to celebrate moms. Really, I am not of fan of most of these kinds of holidays - they imply that we need a reminder to appreciate what we ought to be celebrating every day. Of course, we are also supposed to buy cards and flowers and go out to a pricey overrated brunch. So is Mother's Day actually for me? I think not. It does make me think about mommy hood though, and about my beautiful children, without whom I'd just be dreaming of some day being a mom. As much as I love children in general, I had no idea how much my heart could hold. Love you babies.

Victorious!

2011-05-08T14:47:00.005-04:00

My strategy has worked. I have tried growing broccoli several times now, and never been successful. The plants I have now are the most advanced version of cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower I have ever managed, and by golly I'd like to keep them going! We picked several cabbage worms off the broccoli and cabbages this week, so I began a daily inspection. I started putting the worms in a little bowl on the side of the garden bed to entice the birds to do their part. I just caught a cardinal and his mate having a fabulous mother's day buffet in the brassicas!

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Cabbage Worm

2011-05-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

Thank You

2011-05-05T13:16:00.003-04:00

I haven't written about gratitude in a long time. It seems that I ought to, as it is something I am working towards incorporating into my daily life. I do understand why I haven't written too much as it's been hard for me to express gratitude. Like everything, I continue to learn and grow. So here we are.

It's relatively easy being grateful for the wonderful things in life. Husband, children, lovely home, the ability to choose work...the list goes on and on. I am blessed for sure. You just smile, say thank you, and go on about your day. It's harder I have found to be grateful for things that on the surface seem like they are hurting your life. But really, that is what it's all about - learning from failures, mistakes, crummy relationships,your kids temper tantrums, overbearing (or incompetent) bosses...it's all for good. All of the valleys, if you use them to your advantage and really take a minute to reflect upon them, are there to help you grow.

So thank you for providing an opportunity for me to become a better me. Thank you for the chance to reflect upon the words that come out of my mouth and consider how they will be received. Thank you for the lump in my throat, the tear in my eye, the clench of my jaw that alerts me to my inner issues that need to be examined. Thank you for each and every part of my life that has brought me to this place today. I am grateful.

Good Reason

2011-04-29T14:08:00.003-04:00

It always seems as though I have such interesting ideas about what I want to write, but never get to the computer in time to get my thoughts down. So frustrating! But really, a clear symptom of scatterbrainess.

I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately about simplicity. The more I think about simplifying, the more I realize how complicated I can make things. Or maybe not complicated, but difficult. Or maybe just tedious. And so easily too! I think part of my issue here is that I always thought I could be and do anything I wanted, so I've just taken on everything that has been presented to me. From a pretty young age, I thought "the only way to get it done right is to do it yourself" and have worked pretty hard to get rid of that mindset. But it is still there, no question, hovering in the back of my mind, waiting for an opportunity to say "see! I told you! You should just do it yourself!". I'm also reticent to pay someone to do things that I can do myself, even though there are clearly times when I just can't do something because there aren't enough hours in a day.

So as projects and tasks come up, my automatic response is to take it on as long as it sounds interesting. Simplicity says no. Decide where you want to spend your time, what your passions are, and say no thanks to everything else. This whole thing is making me really think about my trust that others can do things, as well, and maybe even better (gasp!) than me. Of course I know that is true, but still, it's fun to become proficient at something new. It's fun to know a little about a lot. It's fun to have some random skills and talents. It's fun to imagine that I am the worlds greatest (fill in the blank here). It's fun to dream about new ideas and endeavors. But it's true, it is no fun to have a million things to finish, start, or plan and feel overwhelmed by it all.

I think for me, simplifying needs to be more about narrowing my focus. It seems I have spent a lifetime learning to say no, but I still have to learn how to say yes to myself. I have yet to discover how best to honor my passions and talents that really makes me happy, instead of doing things I know I am "good at". I have yet to truly put my needs first as a mom of two and make sure I am taken care of before thinking about the rest of my family. I think I was on a pretty good path and once I had two kids my whole life shifted. Priorities changed, and down the list I slipped. It feels funny to me sometimes to just take time to myself to take a walk. Maybe that is why I am enjoying working so much - it is a "good reason" to walk away and be an adult who is competent at something. I think I have to learn that I am a "good reason" all on my own.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Hike

2011-04-29T14:02:00.001-04:00

Spring Rituals

2011-04-23T20:51:00.004-04:00

We are celebrating spring. I love to see the new shoots and buds coming up, the birds doing their crazy little mating dances, and just noticing everything being "new". In lieu of focusing on the spring holidays of Passover and Easter (both of which I'd like to loosely celebrate, but have yet to get my act together on that) I've been starting a practice of doing lots of spring related crafts and activities. Our main activity lately has been the garden of course. The kids have their own little garden space as well this year where they have planted some flowers. We built a little teepee that will have bean and morning glory plants all around it by the summer and will be a great little hideaway. We made our nest baskets already as we did last year, and this morning we colored our eggs. As we were coloring the eggs, Peanut and I had a funny conversation about why we were doing this. We talked about what comes from eggs, chicks, crocodiles, bugs, dinosaurs...and somehow came back around to "new baby animals come out of eggs, and we celebrate the new animals being born in the spring". Whew. So we will hide them tomorrow in the yard, even though Pumpkins are already cracked and half peeled as he only knows that eggs are good eats. We are hoping to do a short hike as well and take in the beauty of the season. Happy spring to you. Smell the earth, watch the clouds, and be thankful for it all.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - OK, yes, it is Saturday...

2011-04-23T20:29:00.002-04:00

Found It!

2011-04-20T19:58:00.003-04:00

We have an owl we have seen a few times sitting on our back fence. We spied him a while ago - you can see and read about him here. I've been hoping he lives close by so he can take care of any would-be garden predators. The other day, the kids and I went looking for his lair. We went tree by tree around the yard, all of us craning our necks to see to the top. Really, I did not expect to find anything, but there it was! Or at least I think it was! So cool!

Simple

2011-04-20T15:00:00.005-04:00

One of the Holistic Moms mentioned "Simplicity Parenting" as a possible meeting topic for the fall. That suggestion could not have come at a better time. I'd read Voluntary Simplicity and Your Money or Your Life some time ago, and felt like we had done a decent job decreasing the amount of "stuff" we had (although with kids that is a never ending task) but we never got past that part. So I picked up the book (Simplicity Parenting) at the library and did some searching online for resources.

As I read, much of it was familiar territory. Many suggestions in the book are ones I have given many times over - decrease the toys, limit or remove all of the toys that "work too hard", create routines and spots for kids to release pent up energy... I knew all this. What resonated with me though, were the discussions about schedules and about limiting "adult" conversation.

I listen to NPR in the car most days, and while it often doesn't strike me as being inappropriate for small ears, I have had moments where I was surprised by what Peanut picked up on and some where I clearly needed to turn it off. Beyond that though, the discussions we have in front of the kids about our worries and concerns are liable to make more of an impact than I had really considered, and if you know me at all, you know I have considered that.

The schedule discussion though was what I needed most right now. I have twice visited the most incredible nature based Reggio Emilia inspired school (pre-k through second grade or so) that I have ever seen in my life. My children truly deserve to receive that kind of education. So as I am thinking about this, wanting this for my kids, I found myself considering the ways we can make it happen. It's a 40 minute drive without traffic. The day starts at 8:30am and ends at 3:30. Peanut would need to be enrolled for 4 days a week, full time, and Pumpkin could go half days, but that wouldn't make sense to drive twice a day to pick the kids up at different times so he would go full time four days as well. So two kids, full tuition. I need to go back to work full time then. And I need to be close enough to the school that I am not driving hours to and from school and to and from work. And of course all of this means that we have to rush out the door by 7:30am, when we are currently slowly and leisurely eating breakfast. I'd have tired, dirty kids in the car for another hour in the afternoon, get home in enough time to give them a bath, make and feed them dinner and get them to bed. Yeah, we'd get an hour or so to play, but compare that to what we have now.

Yes. I was actually thinking that this was all doable for about 24 hours, until I thought it through some more and realized all that I would be giving up. I realized how complicated I'd be making everything. I'd be creating chaos every morning, all to go play outside. Yes, the teacher facilitation of activities is second to none at the school, but hell, we can learn to do at least some of that here. And I really don't want to go back to work full time. I love my work, but I love the flexibility it provides me, and giving all of that up seems crazy.

So I am back on the path of simplicity. We are on spring break this week, and all I can think about is how great it will be when preschool is over and all of our weeks can be like this. We took a walk this morning, had our playgroup outside, and made nest baskets for the birds. We'll probably do a little more art, head over to the library, and maybe back out to the garden this afternoon. I'm loving it, and so are the kids.

Breathing

2011-04-16T18:06:00.004-04:00

I want to send my kids to public school. I really really do. I want them to learn from children who have different life experiences from theirs. I want them to learn from teachers with different ways of presenting material than mine. I want them to learn to interact socially, understand and follow directions, develop tools for learning and exploring, and continue to be curious. I want them to ride the bus and go on field trips. I want them to play sports and join a team or club if they want to. I want to have some time for myself. I want to relax and know that while we are all learning together at home, each day they go to expand that knowledge while I have time to regroup and be me. I want to get back to my hobbies and reconnect with pre-kid friends. I want to have the flexibility of going to the grocery store by myself or actually perusing the library shelves without rushing through and picking up a million books to skim at home because both kids are pulling books off the shelf willy nilly. I want to try clothes on in the store before buying something. I want to enjoy a quiet house for a few minutes each day.

I believe in the idea of public education. I’ve worked in the public education system. I understand how it works and it’s goals and requirements. I understand that the system is serving a huge number of children with a tremendous variability of skills and needs. I know that the teachers are doing their best and most have the kids’ education at heart. I know there are classrooms and even whole schools where education has been preserved in the face of the testing hype. I know there is creativity to be found. I understand that managing a class of 30 kids requires some rules and regulations that may otherwise seem overly restrictive. I understand that following a curriculum to the T may not allow much time for experiential learning. I understand that educators may not have the time to read and integrate the latest educational research. I understand that teachers are limited by the size of their class, the caliber of their administrative leadership and support, and their legal requirements. I understand that in our state testing is somehow king. I understand that schools need money and can find creative ways to raise funds that may include marketing to my children. I understand that being active on the PTA does not mean that I have a say about what or how my child is learning or being taught. I understand that fitting it to the social structure of school is not always a good thing.

I understand that I am afraid.

I know that I haven’t got all the information I need to make the right choice for us. I may never have enough. I know that I still have time to consider all of the options. I know that we can always change our minds. I know that how my kids go about their learning and education can be an ongoing conversation with many different questions and answers. I am learning still that perfection and the absolutely correct decision are figments of my imagination. We will all do what is best for each of us and it will all be fine. I am breathing deeply.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Truly Free Play

2011-04-15T06:11:00.001-04:00

Piece of the Puzzle

2011-04-13T13:50:00.003-04:00

I know I've talked about the troubles we have had with group classes and activities for Peanut. We did ballet, soccer, a music class...and it always seemed as though she was going to the guillotine. I'd work my tail off trying to encourage her to participate without pushing (or sometimes maybe with some pushing) and leave frustrated and annoyed that we were spending money on her standing there. She would then come home and do the whole class routine for us, so I knew she was paying attention, and she'd say how much she was enjoying the activity, so we thought it was all just personality. She and I had a few discussions about how it was hard to hear the instructor with all the other noise - I chalked it up to sensory processing after a good deal of being frustrated. Since it was so stressful to me, we decided we would not enroll her in any more classes after last fall's second try at ballet, and that has been working out fine.

Since then, she has continued to lay low in larger groups, especially when there are kids she does not know well. The time it takes for her to warm up is really really long - like an hour or two. I've often noticed that Peanut looks like she wants to engage with other kids she doesn't know well but does not know how. And when other kids approach her to play, she often uses gestures and body language that stop the interaction rather than interacting. When the group is children she has known her whole life, it is all fine and easy. Just one new kids causes her to cling to me, lay on the floor and roll around, hold her doll tightly, and otherwise look like she has gone boneless.

So of course all of this concerns me, but I also know that her personality and temperament is different from mine and that my anxiety about it all is not helpful. So I've worked on relaxing. A few weeks ago, honey and I both noticed that we were having trouble getting Peanut's attention. We'd call her name over and over with no response. I told her that it seemed like she was having trouble using her ears, and asked if she felt that we should see a doctor about it. She said yes, so I took her in to have a look at her ears. After Peanut's ears were deemed "clean and clear" they did a brief hearing screen. Once Peanut figured out the "raise your hand when you hear the sound" thing, she raised over and over on her right side. The nurse switched the left and the hand stayed down. Obviously down. So obviously down that the nurse didn't say anything and the doctor returned with a "well, we need to refer to audiology and ENT". Which of course I had already scheduled.

We are not yet through all the evaluations, but the consensus so far is that she has a high frequency hearing loss. That means she hears people talking but can't make out what they are saying, especially in a loud or echoing room. It's harder to hear higher tones, so ballet teachers, little girls, sweet gentle music...

So, this changes everything. It explains so much. While it is a big deal to discover a hearing loss, I'm glad to have figured this out. I think she is too. I understand so much better my little Peanut; her personality, her time to warm up, her need for clear directions, her taste in music. I have concrete ideas to give to her teachers and to our friends in order to help them help her participate. Speaking with a little girl who you think is shy vs. speaking with a little girl who may not have heard part of what you or her friend said because the music was on is a whole different thing. The strategies to engage her are different than what we had been doing, assuming she was shy. After sharing this story, someone said, "Oh poor baby!" and I got pretty miffed. I don't feel like this is a "poor baby" situation at all. Clearly, this is a part of who Peanut is, and I am grateful to have listened to her and my mama instinct to figure it out. We are on a path to see the specifics and how best to proceed, but I am already feeling more competent as a parent knowing this piece of the puzzle.

Letting Go

2011-04-10T21:57:00.008-04:00

A few weeks ago, the kids and I were at Target. Whenever we go there, Peanut (and Pumpkin really) likes to walk through the "girl aisle" to look at the baby dolls. They both hold and look at the dolls, and when they are done we say goodbye to the dolls and put them back with their friends. This time, Peanut says that she would really really like to have a set of baby doll twins that she has been holding. I said, "honey, you have a lot of girls at home. Let's think about it a little more and we can decide later."

So we left the store, and in the car she says, "I know! I will give all of my girls, except my special girl Big, to someone who doesn't have any dolls and then I will get the twins!". So I said "wow, that would be very generous. Let's think about it and the next time we are at Target, if you still want to do that we can." Of course, I love that she is thinking this way, and I love that she is so cheery with her generosity. I'm glad that she sees our example of donating, freecycling, and sharing and wants to emulate that, but I figure she may not really mean it or know what she is doing and she needs to think on it a bit.

So this weekend, I was at a work meeting most of both days (oy) and she went to Target with daddy. By the time I stopped in for lunch, she had a new girl (not the twins) and was packing her old girls in a bag. She told me that she was ready to give them to someone without toys. I almost cried she was so pleased about the whole thing. So now I am looking for a way that we can donate them with her there to see where they will go.

Well, today when I got home from the conference, she was carefully washing Big with a baby wipe. She told me that she was getting Big all cleaned up so she could give her to someone else. Gasp! What? She can't give away Big! So I took a deep breath and said, "gosh, that's a big decision. Do you think you will miss Big?" and she said "no, I don't think so. I only want one girl." So this has yet to be resolved because I realized that I have a fear of letting Big go and I have to deal with that before I can help Peanut figure out the best plan. She has had that doll with her every day and night since she was born. I mean, she could give her away and then freak out one night about it, right?

I think I will just let it sit for a while, wait for her to bring it up again and see what happens in the meantime. I'm so glad to be raising a generous daughter, and one who is clearly teaching me how to let go.

Catching up with the kids

2011-04-08T20:55:00.002-04:00

Every picture tells a story, and at the end of a busy busy week, a photo montage will just have to do.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Spring!

2011-04-08T20:45:00.003-04:00

Quitting

2011-04-08T08:18:00.002-04:00

It's one of those days. I woke up with my head still spinning with all of my "to do" list that I fell asleep thinking about. Of course, much of it is related to things I have chosen to do. Some is stuff I have committed to without thinking it through. And some is just stuff that blindsided me. With the way things are going lately and the complete disorganization I am feeling, I just want to throw in the towel. Ever feel like that? Like taking the easy road? Yeah, we take the easy road sometimes, but I am talking about all the time. I woke up wanting to take my kids to a fast food place for breakfast, let them climb in the germ infested tunnels, and get myself some greasy non-food with a really big soda. I want to pour week killer all over my yard. I want to get some majorly toxic bug killer too and dump it all over the garden. I want to be the parent at the mall play area who lets her kids run wild while I play games on my phone. I want to let them play at the train table at the bookstore while I wander off to read something mindless. I want to only shop at big box stores and buy everything in a box you just add water to or pop in the microwave to create a meal. I want to dress the kids head to toe in branded characters, send them to a daycare mill, and go work full time. I want to quit.

The kids wake up, and my mood changes with the very first snuggle and "hi mama". It's not that I want to quit mommying, I want to quit all the nonsense that somehow gets tacked on to mommying. I just want to enjoy my little ones without worrying about it. Without stressing about the small stuff. Without expecting perfection from anyone, especially me. I want to do it all though - I love my work, and I love my kids, and I feel passionately about the way we live and the choices we have made. It's a hard road to take, but I'm taking it.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual - Love

2011-04-01T07:10:00.001-04:00

Construction

2011-03-31T19:36:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking about homeschooling a lot lately. As we approach the end of the school year, everyone wants to know what we are planning on doing next year, and honestly, so do I. We have had a few missed school days for various reasons lately, and I have really enjoyed having both kids home, just going with the flow, and not trying to get anywhere in a big hurry. It hasn't hurt that our streets are being paved this week and we have spent literally watching the crews out the front window.

The children are completely enraptured by the whole thing and we get to talk about how the crew works together. How they can tell who the foreman is. What kinds of hand signals they are using with each other. How they know the right amount of material to use. How they keep their trucks lined up the right way. Whether the asphalt is hot or cold. Why the workers wear hardhats and hard shoes. What the trucks are called. How many guys there are. What a manhole is for.
So it makes me think of homeschooling, because they are curious and interested and the directions we could go from this one event are limitless. So this week, I'm on the homeschooling train. All because of a little construction.

Tile is up!

2011-03-25T15:39:00.002-04:00

I finally got up the courage to tile the back splash in the bathroom. I've had the tile for a while now, and had just been anxious about actually doing it. It's just the glass tile that freaked me out a bit - the adhesive has to be perfect in order for the glass to look right - any issues on the wall will be seen right through the tile. Well, it came out OK. I had some issues with the tile sliding so it is not as uniform as I'd like. I did panic at about midnight when I was sure I'd wake up to all the tiles in the sink, but it turned out better than I thought. I still need to grout, but here it is so far!

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-03-25T08:30:00.001-04:00

Mail Call!

2011-03-22T15:37:00.005-04:00

Mail and mailboxes have been an ongoing theme in the house for a few months now. We finally settled down to install the kids mailbox by their rooms, and what a hit! I had help to screw it into the wall - the kids thought the drill was quite cool - and they spent about the next 45 minutes sending mail to each other. Every night since, I've been earnestly instructed to "make sure you put mail in my mailbox when I am asleep". Next is the mailbox for me and Honey so we can get little notes too!

Owl!

2011-03-22T15:29:00.001-04:00

We have a new friend in our yard, and I hope he (or she) does her job well! An owl came to see us one morning last week and was swooping down from our fence to eat some small critter that would otherwise ravage my garden I'm sure. we were all spellbound watching her until she moved on to another yard. I sure hope she stays close!

Milestone...

2011-03-22T15:01:00.006-04:00

It was Pumpkin's first visit to the emergency room (well aside from when he was born) and I'm still catching my breath. Pumpkin splashed some (supposedly less toxic than the run of the mill stuff) household cleaner in his eye this morning, and after trying to flush out his eye (as it says to do on the bottle and on our handy dandy emergency card) we realized he was an uncooperative almost two year old and most likely we were out of our league. I called the doctor, who said it would probably be fine, but to call poison control. Poison control sent me to the ER.

Our morning was crazy, me on the cell phone and calming Pumpkin, Honey on the house phone making preschool arrangements and getting Peanut ready. Once everyone got where they were headed, things calmed down a bit. The ER was quiet; we barely had to wait. All of the hospital staff were patient and wonderful with us. Once we had a plan, the Physician Assistant explained what she would do and how I could help. I explained it all to Pumpkin, and helped him understand that he would be uncomfortable, but it was necessary and I'd be here the whole time. She had to put drops in his eye, stain it and then look at it with a light to see if there had been any damage. She tested the pH of his eye. She looked in there again, she put some more stain in to see the other side...

So basically, he had multiple things going in and shining in his eye for like an hour. He complained, but he bounced back after every prod with a little snuggle, binky, and a snack. Just an aside -the staff was super intrigued with his bento box lunch which I thought was pretty funny since everyone I know uses them, and were thrilled at the healthful meal choices inside. Makes me wonder what they usually see. Pumpkin was fascinated by the pulse oximeter, and loved the little red light on his toe. He kept hiding his bracelets inside each other, and he loved looking at the fun pictures on the wall, especially the monkey.

When all was said and done, he was diagnosed with a corneal abrasion - he probably rubbed the cleaner into his eye when it first hit. We were given some ointment and we have a follow up with an ophthalmologist tomorrow. As we got ready to leave, the PA complemented me on how well Peanut did, and how I interacted with him, telling him what would happen and helping him stay calm. She was effusive in her compliments, and even said what a great mom I am, which really almost made me cry. After your kid gets into cleaning supplies, you do question your ability to parent to some extent, and hearing this was just what I needed. For a day I had always dreaded, the first (and hopefully last) trip to the ER was clearly a success. I'm so glad it's over. And yes, the cleaning solution is back safely in the closet where it belongs.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-03-18T08:49:00.002-04:00

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-03-11T12:29:00.004-05:00

I'm following along with SouleMama - in her words:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

We Have Been Up To....

2011-03-08T21:44:00.005-05:00

Check up at the dentist - I couldn't get a picture of Pumpkin since he was on my lap the whole time, but my little rock star was happy with her shiny teeth!

Enjoying the warmer moments outside - lots of time has been spent on the playground.

It's so fun to watch the kids learn from each other.

Look - an airplane!

Nooooooooo! My car!

Faster, faster!

We are looking forward to more of spring!

Big Dirt

2011-03-06T20:16:00.006-05:00

When you build raised garden beds, you have to fill them with something. Dirt, actually. And while we have plenty of dirt, digging it up from other spots in the yard to fill the beds would create some serious valleys. We decided a full truckload would be plenty to fill up those beds...and it probably is, but boy is it a lot of dirt. I arrived home after running an errand on Saturday morning just having missed the dirt truck. The kids and Honey were still in the living room staring at the humongous pile on our driveway. When I walked in, Pumpkin said "Big Dirt! Truck! Outside!" and was super enthusiastic about the whole thing. Honey said the kids were enraptured by the dump truck - it had become *the* activity for the morning.

Well, we knew there was rain in the forecast, so we got right to it. I finished screwing the sides of the raised beds together while Honey started shoveling and hauling dirt to the garden. Four hours later, he had made a good dent, but we still had 2/3 of the pile left on the driveway.

The kids "planted" their own garden in one of the beds, using everything they could find. They are growing paintbrushes, boxes, and ADT sign, and garden tools.

Peanut had a grand time climbing the "mountain" while daddy shoveled, and Pumpkin loved using the socket wrench (and trying to say "ocket ench").

We went out to dinner, and when we arrived back home a kind neighbor had put a tarp over the pile for us so it wouldn't become a mud slide when the rain began. Have I mentioned that I really like my neighbors? it was early, and I had apple pie for dessert, so I went out there for another hour or so in the dark and hauled some dirt, again making some progress.

This morning, Honey was at it again - a few more hours of shoveling and another big dent in the pile.

Pumpkin watched from the window, saying "Dada work hard!". Yup, he sure is.

All of the garden beds are full, and the blocks to build the rest won't be here until Tuesday, so all this dirt is just getting piled up behind the garden now. I think we will have enough to fill all of the beds and start adding dirt around the fence line so we can plant all kinds of smelly herbs to help deter the deer.

There is still a big pile of dirt in the driveway - there's only enough room for one car right now. We had hoped to get it all in the backyard this weekend, but once it started raining in earnest, the pile had to be covered back up. This week we should see some sunshine and hopefully that pile will dry out a little so we can finish up this project and I can get to planting!

40

2011-03-04T19:43:00.002-05:00

So you may have noticed that it has taken me a week to write about turning 40. It's no accident really, I'm just getting used to the idea. I did a full day at the spa which was truly lovely (thank you Honey) and then had a party thrown for me that night when I was all gussied up (thanks A!). I remember turning 30, and 25 and having big dinner parties at very hip spots, drinking a ton of wine and dancing the night away. This was a little more low key than all that, with some twists - a sushi chef in my kitchen (!) and some fabulous little cakes made to look like sushi made by a friend. I felt like a million bucks, and got to chat a little with people I barely get to finish sentences with on a daily basis. It was really lovely to see people as "friends" and not *just* moms (and dads).

40. Well, I am wise, and have some lines that tell you how much I have laughed and cried. I half joke that I have had nine lives. I can look back over the years and see the many incarnations of myself, or who I would have liked to be or who I thought someone else wanted me to be. At 40, I am me, an unapologetic me, and know enough to know that I have much to learn. There was a time when I really thought I knew it all, and now I know I'll never get there, but I will always try. In some ways I've mellowed with age and in some ways I have become more of a tiger. I can share my ideas and feelings in a way that doesn't (always) completely shut out those who might disagree. At 40, I accept that I look like someones mom, and am proud of that. I feel like I am finally settling into my groove, the real one this time, and it feels really nice.

This Moment - A Friday Ritual

2011-03-04T07:13:00.001-05:00

I'm following along with SouleMama - in her words:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Staples - Part 3 - Yogurt

2011-03-03T20:44:00.006-05:00

We eat a lot of yogurt. After buying tons, and continually hearing how easy it is to make, I finally decided to give it a try. I got an inexpensive yogurt maker (which is not necessary, but makes it easier for me) and we make it about once every two weeks. I'm giving you the way I do yogurt - there a re a trillion ways and lots of opinions about why one way is better than another. This is the only way I have ever made yogurt, so I don't have any opinions about the other ways, but you can google the heck out of it and find videos and step by step instructions for just about every possible scenario. So just try it!

I use organic half and half or cream, or cream line milk, or whole milk. Anything less than whole milk makes a really runny yogurt. I prefer milk from a farm, with as little processing as possible. I have discovered the hard way and then had it confirmed by research, that ultra pasturized anything will be hard to turn into yogurt. So if you do get store bought milk, try to find one that does not say "ultra" anything.

I take about a quart of milk (or cream) and heat it on the stove (stirring occasionally) to about 180 degrees or until it starts to climb the sides of the pot. It should go without saying, but all of your cooking utensils should be really clean before you start. It would suck to add some random crummy bacteria into your yogurt.

While that is heating up, put two tablespoons or so of starter yogurt in a glass measuring cup.

This is to bring the yogurt to room temperature. You can use any yogurt, as long as it is not flavored. I prefer to use either a little of the yogurt from the last batch (which I never remember to save) or plain thick yogurt from the farmers market. I'll use Trader Joe's whole milk plain yogurt as well. I always use whole milk yogurt.

Once your milk reaches 180, pull it off the heat and let it sit and cool. I let it go to about 95-100 degrees.

Then take a cup or so of the milk and add it to the yogurt in the measuring cup. Gently mix it with a spoon or spatula, then pour the mixture back into the pot and gently stir it all together.
Pour the yogurt/milk mixture into your yogurt cups - my yogurt maker came with glass cups which again makes it easy. Load the cups into the yogurt maker and turn it on.

I leave mine for about 10 hours. Any less and it is too runny for me. I usually start yogurt at night after the kids are asleep. Then I get it into the yogurt maker before I go to bed and it is done when I get up. Once it is done, put it in the fridge with lids on the cups for a few hours - 3 or 4 at minimum.
I usually add fruit or nuts (if I add anything) when I serve it rather than try to flavor it before it gels. I would like to try adding some vanilla bean as it cooks, but I just haven't gotten to it yet. My kids eat this like crazy and it is not a sweet yogurt - it actually has quite a tang to it.

A space for me too!

2011-03-03T20:20:00.004-05:00

A while ago, my mom's boyfriend gave us an extra computer. We had plans to set it up for Peanut, and then it just sat in the corner collecting dust. Lately, the kids had started to pretend to send email and type on the keyboard, and we finally decided it was time to get it turned on. Honey and I found a desk with adjustable legs that exactly matches our desks at the Habitat For Humanity Restore for $10 (!) so we lugged that home - well, Honey lugged it home - and got it set up in a corner of our office. The computer has a real home, and the kids can turn it on and off. It doesn't "do" anything yet, but that's the fun of it - they are imagining and expanding on their play, pretending to do their work. The height of the desk is perfect and they pulled some little stools from the playroom in to use as their desk chairs. They love it - Thanks Ron!

The seedling massacre

2011-03-03T20:15:00.002-05:00

Part of gardening that just pains me is thinning seedlings. I know it must be done, but I really have a hard time with it. Last year, I ended up with about a trillion tomato plants because I just couldn't get rid of all the extra seedlings that came up both in my seed starting flats and volunteered in the garden. I re potted them all and tried to give away as many as I could. This year, I decided that less is more, and a sacrifice of a few small seedlings really does benefit the garden in the end. Man oh man, is it hard to actually tear those little guys out though! My seedlings are thriving, and in each pot I had two or three really good looking plants. There is only room for one, and so the others had to go. The pile of rejects was just so sad to look at, but I know it was the right thing to do. I'm growing as a gardener. Sigh.